October thoughts, take 2

 Yeah, I actually have words left in me after that long epistle I wrote the other day. I promise this one to be shorter, but then the other one was a couple of posts put together, and was something I kept adding to over a few week's time.

1) Winter

  I really don't get people who like winter and snow. Seriously. Everything is so grey, dreary.....and cold. Now I will admit that I don't like being really hot, but it beats the cold of winter. On some of the hottest days this summer, I sat on my porch in the evening with my tiki torches and something cold to drink or eat, and loved it. Spoiler alert: winter evening are no different than winter days. I won't be sitting on the porch any time of the day.

 Everything is so much brighter and better in the summer. You don't have to clean snow off your car, shovel driveways, clutch your steering wheel in fear as you drive what should be the 40 minute drive to work.....but it is longer because the roads are bad.

  And here is another wonderful perk of winter: people who have depression are more depressed in the winter. Yay me! That is a fact, not something I made up to support my hate and dread of winter.

 It is frustrating to see people cheering about the same snow that I am dreading, knowing it will make my drive to work more dangerous and fearful at times.

 And then there are the people who say "if you hate winter so much, why don't you move to a warmer climate?" If they like it so much, why don't they move to a colder climate :)

 The odd thing: I am really going to miss mowing.

2) The Facebook friend

  I have had several people add me who also have same-sex attractions, often from Facebook groups that I am in. "Joe" is one such friend. He is 20 years old, and was serving God for a while. He even shared one of my blog posts that I was being open about my struggles, and was applauding me for my post and openness.

 I stopped following "Joe" several months back, and I am guessing he also did me. Anyone who knows me, knows I oppose Donald Trump being in office 100%, and I won't go into all the why's... that isn't the point here. Anyway, "Joe" had always been silent about politics. He suddenly came out of his political closet as even more anti-Trump than I am. That wasn't the problem....he started constantly praising Obama and saying how much better he was. If you know me very well at all, you know I was even more against Obama than I am against Trump. I finally got to the point I was tired of seeing those posts, so I .un-followed him.

  I hadn't thought about him for a long time until it popped up today that it is his birthday. I pulled up his page to wish him a happy birthday, and there it was......his profile pic. It was of him and a younger guy close together with a rainbow heart in the corner. I scrolled down, and there were several pictures of them showing they aren't just friends. I clicked on the other guy's name, went to the "about" section, and sure enough it said he was in a relationship with "Joe". There was even a picture of them together at a wedding of two females.

 I feel badly about it. I never met him, but it is sad to see someone go down that road. I understand it. God knows how much I yearn for someone to love and be with, but that is never going to happen with a woman, and it is wrong for it to be with a guy.

 People who don't have SSA have no clue how difficult it is to live with these desires and attractions. You know that same desire you have to have someone to love... and most likely you have that? I can never have that. I'll always be single and alone in a world of married people/people in relationships.

 So I get "Joe." I wonder if I should send him an email and try to say something helpful and warn him of where he will end up, or if it will just make him angry. I am still very much up in the air about it.

3) Marriage, an idol?

 I mentioned in my last post that I was reading two different books that has to do with gay/same-sex attractions. Both books brought up some interesting thoughts about marriage/relationships.

  David, the former atheist gay activist, put it this way (in my words) - gay/same-sex attracted people want someone to be with so bad, that it becomes a struggle for the one wanting to serve God. We must surrender that desire and love and want God more than we want a relationship and someone to love and be loved by.

 He and Christopher Yuan both brought out in their books that marriage and a relationship has become an idol, even in the church. Christians who are gay/SSA should not be the only ones surrendering their sexuality and desire for marriage and a relationship to God....though heterosexual people do have the option to have those, as we do not.

 However, even the church has adapted this idea that we must marry and have families. Marriage is set up so high, that we who cannot have that feel odd, left out, and are often not made to feel part of the church and society itself.

  David especially, and Christopher also may have, made the point that we can't find fulfillment in a person. Much is said about the endless struggle of gay people to find fulfillment with someone of the same sex, and it is impossible to do so....but not much is said about that being true of heterosexuals. Fulfillment is found in God and a relationship with Him. I was honestly wowed and envious of the place David got to with God. I have been a Christian most of my life, but my relationship pales in comparison to his.

   And maybe many of ours would. I am not saying he is a super Christian, but the way he came to a point of surrender about his desire for a boyfriend, and realizing he had to fall totally in love with Jesus is truly an amazing and convicting story. How many Christians come to that point that they would rather have Jesus than love and marriage with a special someone? Should we gay/ssa Christians be the only ones to have to come to that point of surrender and love for Jesus?

 Don't get me wrong. Marriage is an awesome thing God came up with, and is for one man and one woman til death...not til they don't get along, nor is it for two men or women. I am the product of a great marriage, so I am glad my parents married. My 6 nieces and nephews are the products of marriage.

 But have we made to be too important, and idolized it? Single people should not feel isolated and the odd man out in the church, but many do.

4) Friend requests

  This may sound weird, but I have sent very few friend requests in my years on Facebook. I have 500 and some friends, and the majority of those have sent me requests. To be honest, I fear rejection and figure there is no reason a lot of people would want to be friends with me, even on social networking.

 I have made some great friends on Facebook, some of who I have never met, and may never meet...but I enjoy interacting with them.

5) The doctor visit

 I didn't have a good doctor's visit last week. One positive did come out of it though. He added to my depression meds, and they seem to be helping.....though there may be a couple of other things that have helped.

 A negative: I have never had high blood pressure, but it was high.....border line medication, according to my doc. I hoped that was a fluke, so on Friday I went over and had one of the guys in the E.R take it for me. It wasn't a fluke. The doc wants to me to start watching my salt intake in addition to my sugar intake. Life was more fun before diabetes and high blood pressure.

6) Mouse

 I still have a mouse. I had hopefully thought it left, as there has not been evidence for a few days...but there was evidence Friday morning. I have no idea how to get the annoying varmint. Someone at work suggested putting the glue trap on top of the stove since it is a bathroom stop for it...but can I say something very un-masculine? I am grossed out enough picking up the trap that is on a piece of poster-board from the floor. The idea of picking one off the stove makes me shudder. Guys can totally dislike mice also. Equal rights, you know.

7) Politics

  I honestly am getting weary of politics. I have several Facebook friends who constantly post political posts that outnumber anything else they post. I am not saying we should never post political stuff, but we are making it too important if that is all that is on our Facebook page.

 I seriously believe too many Christians in the U.S. are more concerned and focused on life here in America, to think or focus on Heaven. And this honestly has nothing to do with Trump...though I long ago wearied of the praise and worship of him by so many on Facebook.....no, there are tons of political posts about issues and congressmen, etc.

 For example, I have several friends who are posting multiple posts daily about this bomber guy, and how suspicious it is that he is claiming to be a Trump supporter. Seriously, how many times does one person have to post that?

 I doubt anyone has been swayed by anything posted on Facebook anyway.

8) Christmas shopping

 I typically begin my Christmas shopping before now, but I was late starting this year. I bought several gifts from Lakeside Collection's website. They had free shipping the day I ordered, so that was the main reason I shopped on their site.

 And ugh... I was just looking at my order, and discovered I somehow ordered 2 of something that was $13.98 that I do not need or want 2 of.

9) Christmas decorating

  It is most likely due to my depression, which has been really bad the last several months, but I have not been in the mood for Christmas music or decorating. Yeah, it is too early to decorate, but I was already dreading it and considering not even putting up a tree. Thankfully that has changed since I have been feeling better this week.

 The music....not so much. I usually start listening to all Christmas music in October, and often start in late September. I bought one new Christmas CD that I have listened to a few times, and have played some Christmas music, but I am barely listening to any so far.

 I do have a new Christmas decoration I am looking forward to putting up this year: a light post. It was an after Christmas clearance item.

10) Carbs

  I have been trying to do better about my carb intake. It is so difficult though. Everything I like is bad for me. The toughest things to cut way back on is bread and pasta.

 I had a large box of the small individual packs of combos. I checked the carbs the other morning, and was shocked to see there are 30 grams of carbs in one small bag.....so I gave them to my nephews.

 It will help if I lose more weight. I was down 4 pounds from my doctor's appointment in May til the one last week... and down another 3-4 pounds since that visit. I keep bouncing between losing 3 and 4. I need to find healthier snacks and foods. Snacking is the worst problem, but there are some that are not too bad carb-wise.

11) New med

 The new med that was added to take for depression is kind of weird. You have to work up slowly to a full dose, otherwise it could make your skin peel. I am to take one pill a day for 2 weeks....then 2 per day for 2 weeks, then take 2 twice a day. I am strictly observing that, as the results if I did not would not be appealing.......

12) David Bennett

  I have discussed his book in a few blog posts already, but man this guy is a miracle. He was a young atheist gay activist who hated the church and Christians...yet God reached him and saved him. His story should give hope that God can reach and save anyone.

13) The church chairs

 I honestly don't think I will ever get used to the chairs my church replaced the pews with when we built on this past year. This morning I reached for the hymnal under the chair in front of me. I slipped through the wire rack and then I had to struggle to get it from under the chair. I miss them being on the backs of the pews. I miss the pews..........

14) Taking my germophobia to church

  I have become a germaphobe since I started working at the hospital 5 years ago. I sanitize often at work, use paper towels on bathroom doors, and wash my hands after entering church and shaking hands with people at the door. Then I hope no one shakes hands with me before I sit down.

 A few weeks ago, I had washed my hands and was standing in the vestibule with my oldest niece....and someone came up and shook my hand. I muttered to Steph that I felt like washing my hands again. Then a second person walked up and shook my hand, and I headed for the bathroom.

 This morning as we stood to sing in church, the song leader said to turn around and shake hands with the people behind you. I muttered "let's not". I glanced behind me, and the people behind me were turned around the other way shaking hands. I turned back around and the people in front of me were waiting to shake. I said I was a germophobe and got out of it.... and they know me well enough to not be offended.

 But seriously...ever notice how many people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom? Kids sitting in church picking their nose, people coughing into the hand they will shake hands with people after church....it isn't just shaking hands with one person, you are essentially shaking hands with everyone they did....yuk!

 I was at an all you can eat buffet recently, and took hand sanitizer with me. After every return to my table, I would sanitize before eating. Think about it - all those people licking their fingers, then using the same serving utensils you use....

 I would not say I am over the edge with this, but I am definitely more paranoid and careful than the average person.

 Oh, and I love it when stores have wipes to wipe down the cart handle. :)

15) The church

  I have thought a lot about the early church, and what it was like. I firmly believe we have drifted far from what the church should be. Too many churches don't have community. We truly don't welcome the outcast and "bad sinners", we don't love enough, don't truly love everyone, and politics has taken center stage and is more important to us than winning souls.

 Imagine what could be accomplished if the church was everything it should be. I shared something on Facebook recently that David Bennett had posted. Needless to say, it didn't get 500 likes, but I believe he is correct:

"Can you imagine how healing it would be for the church to acknowledge that it is just as broken and sinful as the gay community? Can you imagine the power in store if Christians were to humbly repent of hypocrisy before expecting others to repent?

When the church does not demonstrate radical discipleship that is willing and able to meet people where they are, it holds us all back. We become afraid to face head-on the questions that need to be answered if the church is to flourish and mature."

  Some personal thoughts here: If the church was everything it should be, no one should have to hide in the shadows struggling with what I have been for so many years...or any issue. Church should be a safe and loving place, and the family of God should act like that is what they are.

 And to be honest, I go back and forth between wishing my church did more in the area of fellowship and community, and in not wanting to be around people.

16) The prodigal son

 The sermon at church this morning was on the prodigal son, delivered by my former pastor who is at our church this week for revival services. I was reminded of a blog post I did 5 years ago. Up to that point, I had struggled for years to believe God loves me.....another "perk" of SSA. I had finally gotten to the point that I believed it - and still do - and that  was one post I did about it.

 One thing that helped was reading the book The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. His thoughts on the prodigal son truly changed my thinking and view of God:

While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with pity. He ran to the boy, clasped him in his arms and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). I am moved that the [prodigal son's] father didn’t cross-examine the boy, bully him, lecture him on ingratitude, or insist on any high motivation. He was so overjoyed at the sight of his son that he ignored all the canons of prudence and parental discretion and simply welcomed him home. The father took him back just as he was . . . We don’t have to sift our hearts and analyze our intentions before returning home. Abba just wants us to show up . . . we don’t have to be perfect or even very good before God will accept us . . . Even if we come back because we couldn’t make it on our own, God will welcome us. He will seek no explanations about our sudden appearance. He is glad we are there . . . [He will say, like the prodigal's father,] “Hush, child. I don’t need to know where you’ve been or what you’ve been up to.”

17) Facebook content

 What if every Christian used their social media accounts more for the good of the Gospel, than politics and other divisive things? I'm working on it to do my part.