Nobody knows

  I rarely blog these days, and there is a reason for that: my depression has been really bad the last few months. I don't know why. My doctor even doubled my depression meds back in May, but I have gotten worse, instead of better.

 This is a post I am still debating about doing. I normally post the links to my posts on Facebook and Twitter, and I think most of the people who read them see the link there and follow it. This is a post I really don't care if people read, and kind of worry what people will think if they do......so I am not posting links to it. If anyone comes across it and read it, so be it. It is what has been on my mind lately, and I need to get it out.

Nobody knows.....

How depressed I am, and the thoughts I get bombarded with multiple times a day

How lonely I am, and how alone I feel

That I feel like a total screw up and failure

That my jokes mask severe hurt and depression

That I loathe myself and all that I am

How difficult it is to deal with same-sex attractions, and how much I wish I had someone nearby who understood

That I feel out of place at church, and wish I could just stay home

That as lonely as I am, most of the time I don't want to be around people

There are days I can barely do my job

That I so badly wish I had someone to love and to love me, but I'll never be attracted to women

I still cry sometimes because I so badly want kids of my own, and that can never happen

I hate what I see in the mirror

I feel friendless

I worry constantly......about all kinds of things

I fear truly being all alone after my parents die, and wonder if I can handle life without them

That after all these years, I still struggle to believe anyone actually likes me

I don't feel like I belong anywhere

I have a lot of hurt and anger inside of me

I feel like my family are the only people who are actually part of my life

I'm so scared of getting old and being all alone

I fear my normal for the rest of my life will be loneliness, my constant SSA battle, and this crippling depression