Invisible

    I had an interesting experience this week while vacationing in  Ohio's Amish country. I stayed Tuesday-Thursday, and came home late Thursday afternoon. 

  Tuesday was a rainy dreary day, and I spent most of it going to the several thrift stores i the area. There are at least twelve, including a Goodwill. I went to nine of them on Tuesday.

 On Wednesday, I mainly went to souvenir and touristy shops. When the weather is nice - which it was - I like to park my car at one end of Berlin, Ohio and just walk the main street, checking out the stores. 

 After checking into my second place I stayed at - I couldn't get the same place for two nights - I decided to got to the thrift store that is out of the way in Wilmot, OH. There is a restaurant there, The Amish Door, that I ate at a couple times a few years back. They closed, but reopened in a bigger building in the same lot. I decided to go there for supper. 

I walked in, was seated right away and given a menu. The place is huge. I was seated at a table in the one section of the restaurant that had booths and tables, mostly filled. And I sat. And sat. There were waiters and waitresses walking past my table, and no one acknowledged me. There was a waiter that stopped a couple of times at the table beside me that I figured was my waiter, but he never even looked at me.

Finally after at least twelve minutes, I chased down an employee at the salad bar who looked annoyed to be bothered. I told her I had been waiting over ten minutes with no one taking my order,  and asked if I had a waiter or waitress. After checking where I was seated, she headed off. A couple of minutes later, the guy I assumed was my waiter came to my table and apologized for not noticing me. I got the buffet/salad bar, and had mediocre service from him.

While eating my first plate of food, I bumped my glass of pop, knocking it over. I tried to get the attention of a couple of staff walking by, but they just kept walking. So I mopped up the mess as best as I could with napkins, pushing the ice cubes on the table onto my empty salad plate, and kicking the ones on the floor under the table. The same girl I had bugged earlier went by busing tables, and dropped one of her cloths and it caught under the wheel of her cart. I tried to get her attention to tell her, but she just kept going.

I felt invisible for most of my time in that restaurant. I am not exaggerating. It was as if the staff couldn't even see me sitting there, even when I made a mess. I was embarrassed, but no one even seemed to notice. 

I used to feel weird about eating out on my own, especially when asked "Just one?" But I got to the point it doesn't bother me. Much. I tip well for good service, and don't camp out at a table. But sometimes I do feel like I am being an inconvenience since I am just one person eating out. 

But this experience...ugh. I am guessing that if I had three people with me at the table for four, or even one or two, I would have been noticed faster. Maybe.

It seriously was a weird experience. I have never felt so un-noticed and invisible in my life. Oh, I am sure there were other times, but this was on steroids. 

It made me think. 

Years ago when I worked at the Christian bookstore in Salem, OH, the owners had a speaker come to talk about customer service. They treated us to supper, then the guy spoke. He told a true story that has stuck with me about a young man who committed suicide. I can't remember if the speaker gave many details about what was going on in this guy's life, but this is what I do remember:

In his his suicide note, he said how lonely he was, and how invisible. He walked into a Christian bookstore hoping someone would approach him. No one did. No one even asked him if he needed help. He went home, wrote a suicide note, and killed himself. 

I am not excusing his suicide. I know in my personal experience of dealing with depression that there are all kinds of thoughts and feelings one deals with. There are times I am lonely, but a lot of the time I enjoy solitude and enjoy staying home avoiding people. I have battled bad thoughts, but know what the answers are and are not. 

But how many people are out there feeling invisible. Lonely. Unnoticed. I think my church does pretty well with visitors. They all aren't like me, who rarely approaches non-family members, and escapes the church as soon as the song leader stops holding us hostage after church is over. (I might explain that at the end😀) There are cards to fill out, and I know my pastor and assistant pastor go out of their way to speak to visitors and even visit if they leave information.

I am sure though, that there are many churches where someone could slip in and out without people noticing them and speaking to them.

And not just churches. Everywhere there are people who go un-noticed. They are invisible, maybe because of their appearance, or maybe they stink, or have other issues that make people avoid them.

There is a shirt I have seen on line, and one came up for review on Amazon that I missed out on recently, so I bought one and have been wearing it. I have a couple of hoodies coming that say the same thing. (Got a fairly good deal on one, then they popped up an offer to get a second one cheaper. The shirt says on the front: You are enough. The back says "Dear person behind me....." The company that started it advertise them as a suicide deterrent, and have testimonials. Could a shirt like that deter suicide? I guess it is possible. I wore mine Tuesday when I was on my trip, and had a few positive comments. The first took me aback a bit. I was looking at clearance books in a thrift store, and a guy probably a little older than me fist bumped me. I was wondering "what on earth", then he said "Thanks for making me smile with the message on the back of your shirt." Hmm. Cool. 

When I am out in public, despite wanting to avoid people, I try to smile at people and say hi or good morning if they make eye contact. Who knows what people are going through. Maybe they feel invisible, un-noticed, unloved. It might not make a difference in their life....but what if it does?

Jesus noticed people. There are a couple of Bible stories that stand out to me regarding that:

1) The woman with the issue of blood. I won't go into the whys, but she was a social outcast because of her issue. She was untouched. People avoided her. But she thought if she could just touch the hem of his garment, she might be healed. I am sure she thought she'd touch it, then scurry away without being noticed. She never was, so why would this time be any different.

But oh, how wrong she was. Jesus immediately asked "Who touched me?" He knew who had, but He wanted her to voice it and why. Maybe He wanted her to feel noticed. His disciples told Jesus someone in the crowd probably bumped into her, but He persisted. So this woman spoke up and admitted it was her. Then Jesus told her that her faith had made her well, and to go in peace. 

Thread of Hope by one of my favorite groups puts it like this:

The woman needed healing of that dreaded disease
Her money brought physicians but only Jesus could bring relief
And though her last thread of hope was worn down to a strand
Her heart held onto faith til she could touch him with her hand 

Cause when you're hanging by a thread 
Still you can climb life's mountain
Though the cliffs are rough and jagged you can cope
If you should slip and reach ropes end
You'll find the hem of his garment
So don't let go of that last thread of hope

2) The woman at the well. This one really gets to me, in a good way. Jesus told His disciples that He needed to go through Samaria. A people looked down on by the Jews. There's a song Karen Peck and New River recorded several years ago. The first verse talks about her:

She could not believe
He would come to her city
Come to a Samaritan well
But He offered and got her
To drink livin' water
Now she's got a story to tell

To make a way
He went out of His way
Came to me
Left Heaven one day
He took a journey alone
Left a Father and home
To make a way
He went out of His way

The Jews just did not like the Samaritans, yet here is Jesus going out of His way to see a woman that was a social outcast even among her people. She had had five husbands, and was shacking up with at least a sixth guy. But Jesus asked her for a drink. Her response was "The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?”  (John 4:9 ESV) She was shocked that He noticed her, and would ask someone like her for water. But He went out of His way to let her know she was seen, noticed, loved, and in need of a Savior who loved even her. 

Jesus always sees us. Notices us. Loves us. No matter how invisible we are or feel we are, He always sees us. And may all who claim to be followers of Him do the same.

In closing....

The hostage thing. Several years ago, they started something at my church. After the closing prayer was said, the song leader would sing lead out in a chorus to give my pastor time to get back to the door to shake hands with people as they leave. For several years, we were in a rut and did the Doxology. Now, the song leader picks a song or chorus that has something to do with the sermon. Here's the thing: Church is over. I want to leave, but I have to stand there while we sing. And sometimes all the verses of the song, or repeat verses and the chorus. So I kind of view it as being held hostage. 😃

Secondly, I absolutely do not recommend the mentioned restaurant. The food on the bar wasn't that great. I am guessing it is under new management. 

Now go out and do your best to make sure anyone crossing your part does not feel invisible. 

Make their day

I work as an ER greeter in a 36 bed emergency department, plus 2 trauma rooms and 4 behavior health holding rooms. It is an interesting job, and I never know what it is going to be like. We might be overflowing in the 60's or 70's, with wait times 7-8 hours...or even 12. Then there are days like last Saturday when we stayed around 13-15 til around 2 pm, and got up in the 20's.

The busier we are, the more attitude I get. But there are also a lot of nice people. 

Something happened recently. Someone very close to me that I love deeply did something that hurt. It still hurts. And they may not even know that I know. 

  There have been a few times lately that someone said something that work that made my day and lifted me out of the funk I have been in:

Two different guys on different days complimented me with some very nice words about what a good job I do. Both had been in the waiting room for a while, and had been observing me. They made my day.

Then last night, a lady came out from the back and went to the vending machines. She then asked me if there was a store in the hospital. I asked her what she was looking for. She wanted a bottle of ginger ale for her husband (the patient). I told her I could get one from the kitchenette in the back. When I handed her the can of ginger ale and a straw, she thanked me and told me I was an angel. And thanked me again later. 

Back up til yesterday morning when something happened that prompted this blog post. I had gotten some really nice pens to review from Amazon that were different colors (the pen, not the ink), and had sayings on them like Make a Difference, You can do it, You are awesome (I kept that one). 

I had given a few out to coworkers. Then two ladies came in, dressed nicely, very nice in actions and words. Their coworker had come by ambulance, and they were going to hang out and see her when allowed until her husband got there. 

This urge came over me at one point to give them one of those pens. Nah, might be weird. The urge stayed, so I went over to chat. I asked them if they could use a new pen, and explained. I told them I thought it was really nice of them to come to  the hospital with  their coworker. They both seemed very happy, and each picked a pen. Then one of them told me I made their day. They said they were having a really bad morning, and that helped a lot. They thanked me again when they left.

And you know what? It cost me nothing, and made me feel good.

 There is a way too popular post that makes its rounds on Facebook. It condemns people for paying for the drink for the person behind them at Starbucks, and says these people should do something like pay for kids' lunches at schools who can't afford it. 

Now I don't go to Starbucks, unless when shopping with family and they go there. And I don't think I have ever done or received in a drive thru.

But here is the thing: First off, I doubt the poster is giving money for lunches. Secondly, it makes people happy. It makes the person paying happy and feel good, and it makes the person benefiting from it happy and feel good. In fact, it probably makes their day.

There is so much sadness, depression, anger, hurting people in this world. What if we all tried doing something to make someone's day as often as we can? It doesn't take much. A candy bar, a can of soda, a pen,  a compliment, a cauliflower pizza from Pizza Joes. (Wow, that was oddly specific!)

I have depression, and it can be pretty bad at times. But no matter how depressed I am, little things people have done and said have made my day.

More: My favorite nurse and I both like Diet Coke. I have bought her one when we are busy and I know her day is going rough. And she has bought me one on occasion. Just a couple weeks ago, she came out to the vending machines and asked if I wanted a Diet Coke. I told her she didn't need to buy one for me, but she persisted. Then she went to buy another, and they were out. I tried to give it back, but she insisted on getting herself a different kind. That made me feel really good.

Rewind to Valentine's Day. I got a call on my desk phone at work, and answered "ER front desk, this is Mark". A lady said "Oh, you are there. I was hoping. We are going to swing by." I wondered who on earth?! A few minutes later, the lady who runs the gift shop and another lady who also volunteers - both around or over 80 - came over. They had a sandwich bag full of sugar free candy - Russel Stovers and Werthers. They both hugged me and said they miss me out front. (Until August, I worked out front and saw them all the time.) That truly made my day, or more like it....my week.

There are a lot of posts on social media about Jesus flipping the tables. But the truth of the matter is that was not His usual behavior. And He only did that because people were ripping off worshipers in the synagogue. His usual behavior was making people's day: healing the lame, causing the blind to see again, forgiving sins. He had no time for politics. He was too busy doing good, being kind, and loving people. 

WWJD.....Want to do what Jesus would do? Want to be like Jesus? Don't be political, don't try to win arguments. Love people, and do things to make their day. As often as you can. Don't limit it to a weekly thing. Or even daily. Try to make as many people's day as you can. And yeah, me too,

How political can and should Christians be?

I have sat on this post for a few months after typing it up. Today, a woman I like and admire a lot, and look up to, said something that really, really disappointed me. She said on social media "about time for a mean tweet!" I still have confidence in her, and I will never, ever be the mature Christian that she is......but why are so many Christians from the most conservative churches like mine, defending and missing something that is condemned by the Jesus we follow and serve? 

Sure, Jesus didn't specifically name out mean tweets, because Twitter was not around then......but there is plenty in what He DID say that any Christian worth their salt should know that a mean tweet would not be missed or defended by Him. So why do so many Christians defend mean tweets and miss them. By their guy of course. Obama did a lot of mean tweets, but I am sure they don't miss his. :)

The answer is simple: Christians have become too political. We would never admit it or think it, but politics is more important than loving people, spreading the Gospel.....more important than the Gospel. I have said it before, but it almost seems too many Christians toss the Bible aside when it comes to politics, other than to pull out Bible verses they can use against people.

So, onto my blog post:

A note to begin:

  I will say to begin that I am far from being perfect. There is term I have not heard for a while that was popular years ago: it referred to people getting into Heaven by the skin of their teeth. That will be me. I am not and never will be a Paul, Peter, Abraham, Noah. Were I in the Bible, I would be one of those insignificant people not even named, but just referred to as someone's servant, or by my livelihood. I am just as guilty of the next person about not having the right attitudes when it comes to politics, but am trying to do better.

How political can and should Christians be?

This needs to be said. I feel very strongly about that. Am I the right person to say it? Most likely not. But if I don't, will anyone?

This is not a Trump post, though in part it will be, because Trump is a symptom of a bigger problem. And it was finally brought about after months of frustration about a post shared and liked by even people in my own church, and unchallenged by anyone else...including the preachers on my friends list:

“True Christians will vote for Donald Trump”, followed by lengthier comments. This should have bothered even the most devout Trump supporter who professes to follow Jesus Christ. You are either a Christian or not. There are not any “not true” Christians. You are either a true Christian, or you are not a Christian. I cannot find anything in the Bible to infer there are Christians who are not "true" Christians.

So by this statement, are these people and the ones agreeing, saying that you are not a Christian if you do not vote for Trump....or any candidate?

  Do Christians even in my own ultra conservative church believe that one's Christianity and salvation hinges on your vote for Trump....or any candidate? They may not say that, but their silence and “likes” and supporting comments say that loudly. And many other Christians did so, not just in my church. It is their posting and support of it that bothers me the most.

That and what I have especially seen in the last six years or so, has caused me to question some things:
What I believe

What my church believes

If Christianity is truly better than other religions. (Oh, I know Jesus is the only way, but politics raises the question if Christianity is actually better...and yes, I believe in my heart that it is better)

And on my worst days: if I really want to be a Christian, and if God even exists. (toss in severe depression, anxiety, and other issues....not just political stuff)

And other questions:
How political can and should Christians be:

And be like Jesus

Not hinder their witness and the cause of Christ and the church

And be salt and light

And be peacemakers

Live by and obey what the Bible and Jesus teach?

Love our neighbor as ourselves?

I am a conservative. Always have been, always will be.

I was raised in the church, attended a Christian school K-12, and 4 years of Bible College.

I listen primarily to Christian music and read primarily Christianity books.

Yet I have never felt I truly belonged in the church. Partly because of struggles and something I deal with that those raised in the church are afraid to admit or talk about. (Ironically, some of the same people defending a man's serial adultery and saying "don't judge!" are quite vocal against my struggle and show judgment and no love there)

But never have I felt that way more than the last 6 years. To be a Christian and conservative and not vote for or support Donald Trump.....it is not easy. The very same people who should understand support you for not going against your conscience......did the opposite. It is not easy trying to do what you believe is right while Christians in your own church are trying to guilt and manipulate you into doing what you believe is wrong. (And yes, for me to have voted for Trump would have been wrong and going against my conscience would have been wrong. But they did not care. The very Christians so obsessed with doing things the Bible does not spell out, fail miserably at doing what the Bible DOES spell out:

Loving people, being peacemakers, etc.

I am not going to share everything, but a few things:

In the last 6 years or so:

Even though I stated I felt as a Christian I should not vote for Trump, and was voting 3rd party: Christians said my vote was for Hillary if I voted third party. That if I did not support Trump, I was for Hillary. (I view those as outright lies, and kind of wish I had called those people out for lying)
I and others have been told not to judge Trump, while his supporters judge everyone who has a D by their name, or who have an R and do not support Trump

I and others have been labeled a Pharisee for taking issue with things in Trump, speaking up, and not voting for him because of certain things....while his supporters do the same with the other candidates.

We were told “Why not pray for him instead of criticizing him?, while they criticize away if they don't like the politician

We are told no matter how bad we think he is, God put him in there......but not hearing that about Biden.

A friend of mine said Christian Trump supporters don't care how they make you feel, as long as they defend him and shut you up....and sadly, that seems to be true for way too many people.

There are people in my church who have messaged me that they agree, but are afraid to speak up around others in my church and school. Really? Oh, I believe them....but what a sad statement....and I doubt the average Trump supporter would care.

I attend a very, very conservative church. The same people who are so worried about certain outward things that are not spelled out in black and white, go against what is spelled out in black and white....they have tried manipulating and intimidation to try to get other Christians to vote like they want them to. A person may not believe in watching movies and TV, but takes no thought or care in how they treat people and react to them if it involves politics or their candidate. (Guess true Christians can do anything non Biblical if it is for the cause of their politician.)

Politics, party, our rights...they take precedence over everything else. It is more important to spread our political opinions and win people to a politician, than it is to spread the Gospel and win people to Jesus.

Jesus was not political. He was all about loving people and all about His earthly ministry.

I am not saying Christians should not be political at all, nor vote....but shouldn't we be more like Jesus and avoid being very political? Shouldn't we be concerned about how we are acting when it comes to politics? Shouldn't we be different from the world even in how we act and react about politics? Shouldn't Christians be BETTTER than non Christians when it comes to politics? Jesus avoided politic. He was too busy loving people and doing good.

Things have changed.......

Things have changed since Biden took office. It is now OK to judge away and criticize. I believe he is a horrible president, but have been shocked at what so many Christians say about him and how easily they make fun of him, call him a pedophile, etc.

I will be clear on this: I believe the Democratic Party is evil. They push the murder of babies, the sexualizing and exploitation of kids, and other evil things. (Hmm, then why did Trump support them so long? Had to say it!) I believe any politician is evil who supports and pushes for the cruel murder of babies in the womb.

But does that mean they are the exception to what the Bible says about how we are to treat others?

I firmly believe Nancy Pelosi is evil to the core, and is the worst politician our country has ever had. I saw a lot of  Christians laughing about the attack on  her husband a while back...but is that right to do? Would they have laughed if it had been on a Trump, or a person important to them?

Is there really a separate set of guidelines in the Bible for how we act towards people with a D by their name, and towards Donald Trump? (Even Republicans who do not support Trump are fair game, so I did not ask about a separate set of guidelines and rules for Democrats and Republicans). 

Oh, in case you don't know the answer: There is NOT a separate set of rules and guidelines.

I am guilty. Believe it or not, I said much more about and was much harder on Obama than Trump. I heavily criticized both men and Biden, but how much was right and wrong? ( I know what Trump supporters would say regarding him..... :) )

Here is the thing: Christians are not called to be political. We are not called to vote. We are not called to change people's opinions on candidates. 

We are called to be kind, to love, to have the fruits of the spirit, to win people to Jesus......and so much more that being very political hinders or makes impossible.

When we get to Heaven, Jesus is not going to reward us for how many people we won to our politics or politicians. What will matter is how many we won to Him.

Damage from being political

Picture this: 

“Mary” freely accuses Joe Biden of being a pedophile, and mocks him all the time on and off of social media. Makes fun of Mr. Pelosi being attacked.

“Martha” is her neighbor and follows her on Facebook. Martha is a Democrat and voted for and supports Biden. What are the chances of Mary getting Martha to go to church or win her to Jesus? You know the answer. Zilch.

There is a preacher who did a post on Facebook comparing Donald Trump to Sampson, and was using it to try to get Christians who were against Trump to vote for him. He further stated that a third party vote is a wasted vote. Several of my Facebook friends shared it, and one was even so kind to tag me. I was disgusted. Here was a minister of the Gospel trying to get Christians to vote how they felt they should not. A year or two later, my church got him for revival services. I kept seeing that post, and determined I was not going to sit under his preaching. And did not. He has been there at least another time, and I have no intentions of ever listening to him. Maybe that is wrong, but not as wrong as him using his position to do what he did.

I have been hurt, deeply hurt in these last 6 years by pro-Trump Christians. Sure, had I been silent, it may have been different....but part of me questions if they can be vocal, why can't I? - but if I, a guy raise in the church, and attended Christian school, Bible college - have been damaged by politicial Christians and it has caused me to question so much.......then what affect does it have on those who are not Christians, and have not been raised in the church?

It is easy to say a Christian is doing damage to Christianity, the Church, and the cause of Jesus if they have differing political views than you do....and if they criticize your guy.

  But the truth of the matter is, no matter your political views, you and I are doing severe damage by being very political. Whether you support or don't support Trump, whether you do or don't support Biden, whether you are conservative, liberal, libertarian, Republican, Democrat, third party, or no party.....our loud political views and attacks on politicians – and yes, over the top support in some cases - is doing so much more damage than good.

“True Christians” realize how close we are getting to the end. Instead of screaming how great or bad a politician is, and instead of using social media to spread their politics, they should be screaming that God loves everyone – even Biden and Pelosi – that Christianity is the best and only option. That Jesus is the answer, not politicians or politics.

There was a  wonderful lady I had the pleasure of being friends with on Facebook, and was blessed to eat and visit at her place once. She died from cancer last year. Avis was not political, ever...with the exception of once. A certain former president said something so arrogant that pretty much made him equal to Jesus, that she called him out. But other than that, she was all about spreading hope, encouragement, and love. She used her life on – and off – of social media for good.

And there are others. Not everyone is politically outspoken on and off of social media.

I do believe in voting for politicians who above all are against killing babies in the womb and want to stop that horrible atrocity. That is my main thing when it comes to voting, though there are others. I believe one should vote for who they feel God wants them to. I am not saying that is not important.

But Christians have made it too important. They view politics and politicians as the answer, when they are not.

I believe part of the problem is we have become obsessed with our rights and freedoms to the point that they and party have eclipsed God, dying to ourselves, and so much else that should be our primary focus.

Not that rights and freedoms don't matter. But it seems it has caused so many of us to lose our way. The devil can use anything to sidetrack Christians and cause them to fall away from what they should be. It isn't always the big things the Bible warns against like adultery and stealing. I believe politics has become one of Satan's best and most useful and powerful tools to divide Christians and the church, and to take attention from what truly matters.

Imagine if all the social media posts and fervor of the last 6 years – and more – about politics had been put towards things of God and the church? What a difference could have been made.

I have gotten a lot of crap over the last six years or so because I did not vote for the man so many others did, and that I have dared criticize him. I have found myself wondering how Christians can be so pro-Trump, and defend or ignore everything he does, such as gun control and vulgarity. I will never understand that. But the bigger picture and issue has been the focus of this blog post: how Christians can basically set aside what the Bible says about how we are to act, and then say things and treat people in ways that are damaging to the cause of Christ.

Our political posts on social media are never going to change anyone's minds. But they may change how they view God, Christianity, and the church. We will never win anyone to God with a religion of politics, but with one of love. And love is missing in our political posts. 

I don't know where the line is. We should not be silent about concerns, but wherever the line is, many of us are so far over it we can't even see it. And sadly, people don't consider it, nor care what their political posts might do.

And there are Christians who are never political on social media, as I previously mentioned. I believe they are closer to being what God wants than we who are political. People don't need to hear our political opinions and bashing or defending politicians. They need to hear about Jesus, and that they are loved. No matter who they do or not vote for.

I don't want a political Christianity. I don't need a political Christianity. Nor does the world.

And lastly, I truly am bothered and concerned. I think being on the opposite side of so many Christians, and getting what I got so much of opened my eyes. I hope this post isn't offensive, and does what I intended it to do: make people think, and maybe wake some others up.

What the World Needs to Hear by the Booth Brothers.
(Video at end of lyrics)

There's a teenage mother who's left all alone

Waiting for someone already long gone

There's a lonely old man whose children don't care

And a black sheep that's knocking, but nobody's there.

What the world needs to hear is John 3:16

That God loves them just as they are

His grace is sufficient to bring them to Him

Wherever they've been, no matter how far

There's hope for the lost and the helpless

Faith will replace every fear

The Gospel of Calvary

That's what the world needs to hear

To the sinner who thinks he's too bad to save

To the dad who just put his young son in the grave

To the man with the bottle who can't let it go

To the wife of a soldier who will never come home

What the world needs to hear is John 3:16

That God loves them just as they are

His grace is sufficient to bring them to Him

Wherever they've been, no matter how far

There's hope for the lost and the helpless

Faith will replace every fear

The Gospel of Calvary

That's what the world needs to hear

Salvation's story of Christ

Is the solution for all

Whoever you are

He'll hear you when you call

There's hope for the lost and the helpless

Faith will replace every fear

The Gospel of Calvary

That's what the world needs to hear

Last words

 **This isn't the first post I did along these lines, but it is different from the other.

   I lost a coworker this week, though he technically was gone long before that. On the Wednesday before Christmas, on his last day as a security guard at the hospital, he had a heart attack and never woke up. After a month on machines, they unplugged him, and he passed away.

   Ever since it became obvious that he was not going to come out of this, my last 2 conversations with him have been going through my head. A couple of weeks prior, one of the afternoon shift guards had shown me a picture of a man to keep an eye out for who may possibly come in and cause trouble. I was over near the security office later, and Randy showed me the picture and asked if I knew about it. I affirmed I did, then he got a smirk on his face and kept looking at the picture and then at me, and said "hmmm".The guy also had a shaved head. I knew he what he was inferring, so I laughed and said "very funny, you're an idiot." He laughed and I went my way.

   A few days later, I was again near the office and he was in there with a couple of other guards. I walked in and said "Know what this blockhead did?" I related the story, and we all laughed, then I headed back to my work area.

 Last words. If we knew it was the last time we'd talk to someone, what would we say?

   I read something a lady wrote a few years back. She related that she and her husband made a pact that any time they parted, they would say "I love you." And they did. She said sometimes he would be leaving after a big argument, and she was screaming it at his departing car. He died unexpectedly - I think a car accident. She said it was a comfort to know that the last words she said to him were "I love you."

   I like to joke and tease a lot, and  this has been on my mind for a few weeks, especially this week. I eat lunch  in the coffee shop every work day I am at the Beaver hospital, whether I buy their food or take my own. The ladies like me pretty well, and I joke around with them a lot, and good naturedly pick on them. Yestrday, as I was waiting for my hot fudge Sunday, I told them I wanted to tell them something. It went something like this: "I am serious when I say this. There are people in this hospital who brighten my day, and you ladies are at the top of that list." I got some "awws" and similar replies. The boss lady asked "so we make you look forward to coming to work?" I laughed, and said "no, but it does help me not dread it......you'll just have to be happy with that."

  I walked out into the lobby and gave my housekeeper friend a hug, and told her she is one of my favorite people in the hospital. I tease her a lot. Yeah, there's a pattern there.

   These people know I like and love them, but if I knew I was talking to one of them for the last time, would I tell a joke, give a teasing remark, or........

   No, we can't be morbid individuals always acting morose like we will never see our family and friends again when we part, but how often are we unkind, rude, short, and other such things with people in our lives off line and on?

   And I am not experiencing any guilt over my last conversations with Randy. He and I were always joking around with each other. But it has made me think a lot about how we treat people and the words we say. How would we feel if the last words we said to a friend or family member were not kind words?

Lessons from a fiction book

**Not a book review. Those are on my other blog.

  I read a lot of Christian fiction. Some people may consider that a waste of time, but I enjoy it and have gotten a lot of encouragement and help from a fictional novel over the years.

   I just finished reading and reviewing the newest book this evening  by Colleen Coble, a favorite author of mine. Reading her new book brought up memories of her last book, which I read and reviewed back in August, Beneath Copper Falls. Beneath Copper Falls is one such book that stirred me and left me with the desire to be better.

   The book is suspense, as most of Coble's books are. The story revolves around Dana and Boone, and of course there is romance involved, but it progresses differently than most. The one side of Boone's face is severely scarred from a fire, and his fiancee had walked away from him as a result. He felt no woman could ever love him, and had given up on love and marriage......until Dana came along. She had to be the pursuer in the relationship.

  Yes, it is fictional, but the message of the book is not. This paragraph stood out and still stands out to me:

"Scars and all, his face was so handsome, so beloved. Her experience had taught her of how the soul was the repository of beauty. Unlike the Phantom (of the opera) who was as ugly on the inside as he was on the outside, Boone's scars hid an astoundingly beautiful soul. She had spent too much of her life worrying about the face she presented to the world, and much too little time on the character she needed to be developing every day."

   Why do we spend so much time worrying about what others see when they look at us? Women cake their faces with makeup to cover their natural face and beauty. Guys grow beards to hide behind. Many cover their bodies with tattoos and piercings. Others of us find ways to hide our true selves from the world, afraid no one might like us if they saw us as we see ourselves.

 How does one have an "astoundingly beautiful soul?" Though Boone is a fictional character dreamed up by the incredible mind of Colleen Coble, the truth in her written words is not fictional. One can be not so pretty to look at, yet have an attractiveness that comes from within. Is it from God? Maybe, yet I know my share of Christians who I would not say has an astoundingly beautiful soul. Does one even have to be a Christian to have that?

 Ever since I read Beneath Copper Falls, these thoughts occasionally go through my mind, brought on tonight by reading another of the author's books. I don't view myself as having a beautiful soul, much less "astoundingly beautiful". I carry too much anger and hurts from the last year that cloud everything and have scarred my soul.

 Having the struggle that I have of same-sex attractions is not all bad. Yeah, it is a tough thing to deal with, but easier since I dragged it into the light and stopped worrying and caring what people think. Secrets have power, and when something isn't a secret anymore, it loses the power it had. But there are positives. I've talked before about not being the typical guy into sports, hunting, good at mechanical stuff, etc. Part of that reason IS because of my same-sex attractions.

 There is no mold for guys like me. There are football players that are attracted to other guys. Some  gay guys are lisping limp-wristed types, and some are ultra masculine who would never be suspected of being gay. The truth of the matter is many, if not all, carry traits one would normally associate with females. People joke about guys getting in touch with their feminine side, but that doesn't necessarily mean bad.

 I feel because of my struggles, that I have some traits and characteristics most guys don't have, or at least don't lean towards as strongly as some in my position. I am much more vulnerable than your average guy. I tend to be very empathetic and sympathetic, and have a compassionate side I try not to show too much, as it has always made me feel weak. I cry.... a lot. I cry in movies. I cry when reading. I cry when I am happy, sad, or just emotional.

 The sad thing is I have tried to squash these traits that I have viewed as weak........ but what if I embraced them and focused on using them more. Could that help make a beautiful soul?

 Why do we try so hard to be what we are not, and work at hiding who and what we really are? What if God gives us the traits and characteristics for a reason? No, I am not saying God makes anyone gay, or that anyone is born gay. I do believe we can be born with a predisposition to it, which means we are possibly born with these traits some of us view as weak and undesirable.

 If we all used  for good what God has given us, and how He has made us, instead of fighting it and trying to cover up who we are and attempt at being who and what we are not....it is beyond imagination what we might accomplish.

 In the book, Boone was a caring, compassionate, and selfless man. Though he had his own business that definitely took a man of strength, he was a softer man than normal where it mattered, brought on by his troubles.

 And maybe that is part of the solution to having a beautiful soul.....to not let the outward events scar us on the inside and change us for the worst, but instead for the better. An astoundingly beautiful soul? It is possible for all of us.

What is it like? Part 1: background

  **Warning: This post is going to be very personal, and I will discuss some things some Christians may be uncomfortable about. However, doing this post has been on my mind lately. This whole gay/homosexuality issue is something the church has gotten wrong for so long, and it seems many Christians really have no clue about it, how to deal with it, and how to react. I hope this post will help those who bravely read on after this warning, and that you will get a better understanding of people dealing with this issue.

Some background:

  The year was 1990. I was in my first semester as a junior in Bible college. In one of the classes I was in, Christian Ethics, we had to write a paper on some major issue of the day. I picked the Occult, and went to run it by my teacher, as we had to do. She said no. She told me that she had seen people get sucked into that just by studying it for good reasons, and asked me to come up with another one. I thought briefly, and asked if I could do it on homosexuality. She said that was fine, and she knew she had nothing to worry about with that one.

 I found some books on the issue written from a Christian viewpoint. As I started reading, studying, and writing down things to use in my paper, it hit me. I can still remember the sinking feeling in my stomach, and the horrified feeling as I realized "this is me". What I was reading described me. At the age of 21, I realized I was attracted to guys, not females.

  I was a naive kid. I grew up without a TV after the age of 12, attended a Christian school, and had no friends. I read a lot and kept to myself. I was picked on and bullied a lot at school, thought no one liked me, and tried to avoid other boys. I barely knew what homosexuality was. I barely knew what sex was. I always felt comfortable around girls, never realizing there was no attraction there, but a buddy type feeling that made me feel at ease around them.

 Boys were the mystery, the enemy, and I was afraid of them.

 I dated when I went to Bible college because it was the thing to do. Physical touch was discouraged there, so I never thought about why I didn't want to hold hands to kiss either of the girls I dated. Dating made me feel I was trapped, and it never lasted long.

 And now here I sat with the realization I was attracted to guys. Suddenly, a lot of things made sense to me.

Why boys seemed so opposite to me

Why girls seemed like buddies to me

Why when I saw a romance novel with a shirtless guy and a barely dressed woman, my eyes went to the guy

Why my eyes were always drawn to nice looking guys, and not pretty girls.

  I looked back over my teen years and realized these feelings had been going on for a long time, but I had not had a clue what they were.

Now I did.

I was going to hell.

  Seriously, I thought that. The Bible says that homosexuals were going to spend an eternity in hell. I knew the verses.

  I broke up with my girlfriend immediately, and went through the rest of the year in a bit of a daze. I needed help, but who to tell? I was living in a boys dorm on a very conservative Bible college. If I told anyone, it would mean getting kicked out of college.... even though I had done nothing.

 I made it through that semester and the two semesters of the following year, carefully guarding my secret, listening as the other boys made jokes about gay people, and made fun of them.

Telling someone

   The summer after I graduated, I finally did it. I wrote a letter to a friend from college who lived several states away. I had been a loner even in college, but he was one guy I had hung out with some. I can't remember how I worded it, but I beat so far around the bush that I am still amazed that he read between the lines and figured out what I was talking about. He sent a letter back, and assured me that I was not going to hell for having these attractions/feelings. We wrote back and forth for a few years, and for a long time, he was the only person who knew. I messaged him a few months ago and thanked him for all he did and said all those years ago. It helped more than he will ever know.

 Those days are long past. I really never dreamed that some day I would be admitting my struggle on a public blog....... well, I never dreamed we'd have something like the internet back then either..... but I seriously thought this would be something I'd hide for the rest of my life.

  Eventually I did start telling more people. I told my pastor, and eventually if anyone pressed hard enough on why I wouldn't date, I'd tell them. For the most part, the reactions were good. Either people weren't bothered by it as I had originally feared, or they covered it well.

 So what IS it like to be attracted to the same sex, and have to deal with that on a daily basis? If you're still reading, I will discuss it more in my next blog post, so as to not make this one too long.

2016, a year in review......and 2017, a year of the unknown

People have been bemoaning about how bad 2016 was because some self absorbed people, aka celebrities, died. That doesn't affect my year, as I am not much into what celebrities do or say...... but 2016 did have some bad moments. But it also had its good moments. Here is my year in brief:

Good: The Amish Country getaway

1) In February, I took my first 2-day trip by myself. I went to the Amish part of Ohio on a Monday and Tuesday, taking advantage of a package deal by an inn there. For $89.99, I got a night's stay there, my choice of breakfast and dinner at 3 different restaurants, and a lot of free things from different businesses all over the area: cheese, bread, and more. I visited 3 different cheese places, and did a lot of shopping.....it was a blast.

Bad: the hospital experience

2) March brought a surprise stay in the hospital. I passed out at work in the ER - a good place to do it - and was diagnosed with bronchitis and a pulmonary embolism. I also got a bonus diagnosis of type 2 diabetes. It was sooooooo much fun, but I did feel very close to God during that time.

Good: Family vacation

3) In the last few days of May and first days of June, I went to the Outer Banks with my oldest sister, her husband, my nieces, and my parents. Some of my cousins came down and stayed a few days, and we had a blast. I did something I never thought I'd do with my fear of heights - I climbed the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse. The only thing that would have made it better was if my other sister and her gang could have gone.

Very bad: election 2016

4) Election time was a disaster in my opinion. I still can't understand why and how so many Christians so eagerly supported a man like Donald Trump and passed over some very decent Christian conservative candidates to pick him. I was -  and am - as upset as when Obama won, and figure this will come back to bite Republicans in the butt. I don't see him as any better than Hillary or Obama. I still have a lot of anger over my so-called conservative party losing their minds, integrity, and everything else to nominate a man like him, and what it was like to go through the election as a #nevetrump person.....it wasn't fun, and I dread 4 years of this man as much as I did Obama......something you only get if you couldn't bring yourself to vote for him, even with the scary Hillary monster stories. And I really have had some harsh things said to me, even by people in my own church. I know... I am too outspoken, and God forbid I criticize DT because he has an R behind his name and was considered the lesser of two evils by so many and the Republican Messiah by so many others.........

Good: meeting the authors 

5) In early November, I took a trip over to Amish country to meet two authors: Kimbery Woodhouse and Tracie Peterson. I enjoyed meeting and chatting with these two lovely ladies, and it was a definite highlight of my year.

Good: Christmas

6) I had a difficult time getting into the spirit and mood of Christmas this year. The disastrous and joke of an election has had me down, added to it by the pressure from family and friends to keep my opinions to myself of a president I despise as much as Oabama, but had no one tell me to keep my opinions to myself about him.

 Disappointment over my house deal falling through is still heavy on me, and discouragement and depression have been hitting hard. I did come out of it enough to enjoy Christmas and had a great one with my family.

Mostly good: the new job

7) I accepted a new position that will be with the hospital, instead of being outsourced as I have been. It has its pros and cons, but I am looking forward to it. One of the biggest pros is a $3.68 an hour raise, and 3 days off a week instead of 2.

Bad: house buying

8) One of my many flaws, is I don't deal well with disappointments.... and this house buying has had a lot of disappointments that I am letting bother me more than I should...... but it is very frustrating.

Bad: Sickness

9) I had a cold for a couple of weeks, and then just when I started getting over it, it came back in the form of bronchitis. I was miserable for the latter part of November and much of December with it.

Good: Family time

10) I had a lot of fun times this year with family, and spent a lot of time with the nieces and nephews I love so much.

    I view myself as a realist, leaning a bit towards the pessimist side, if I am honest. As bad as it sounds, I have been looking at the prospect of a new year wondering what hurts and disappointments this new year has in store......not a good way to look at it, I know. We are getting a new president who I don't consider any better than what we have had for 8 years, so I am not even looking forward to Obama leaving office. To me, it is the end of one error, and beginning of another..... made worse by the fact that the so-called conservative party nominated and voted this one in, so I can't blame the liberals for this one.

 I have had it up to my gills with house hunting and disappointments in that area. I have been tempted to just rent a small apartment and cram everything I own into it..... but I don't want that.

 I haven't done New Year's Resolutions for a few years, and don't really like them..... but I decided to make some this year:

1) Buy a house and move into it.

2) Be more positive. (that may be my biggest challenge)

3) Make the world happy by going into my anti-Trump closet...which will mean doing my best to ignore his existence..... and a lot of Facebook posts. I already stopped paying attention the news, and that helps. (check: THIS may be my most challenging)

4) Read more books....my depression has been so bad  this year, it affected my reading habits.

5) Laugh more.

6) Be a better Christian and man.

7) Pray more, and read my Bible more.

8) Lose weight, and watch my diet better.

9) Stop caring what people think of me.

10) Have more fun.

11) Think more on the good things

12) Register as an Independent and get out of the Republican Party. (yeah, I am serious about that)

13) Become more comfortable in my own skin, and find more purpose as a single.

Other 2017 stuff:

 Devotionals

I have so many devotionals, that I usually read two per year..... one in the morning and one in the evening. For my morning devotions, I will be reading One Year Worship the King, and for evening The One Year Impact For Living Men's Devotional. Both look very good, but the first is one I have been looking forward to using since I got it earlier this year.

Purpose

  In #13 of my resolutions, I mentioned becoming more comfortable in my own skin, and finding purpose as a single. I have been doing pretty well on the first part, but not so much on the latter. As part of the latter, I'd like to become even more open about my issues with same-sex attraction, and discussing things related to it. The church needs to learn to deal better and more compassionately with this issue and with those who deal with it..... and maybe, just maybe I can help a little in that area, and even more importantly than that: be a help and encouragement to others who deal personally with this very tough issue, especially those who may not be as far up the road as I am.

 It really can be tough being single at my age, but I am dealing with it far better now than I have in the past. I'd also like to better address single issues in this coming year. The church has really dropped the ball with singles, and emphasizes marriage way too much in my opinion.

God

  As I stated before, I don't deal well with disappointments.... and it is something the devil uses to discourage me and bring me down. No, I haven't backslidden (a term Calvinists won't get), but I have definitely not been up to spiritual par lately. The election crap, Donald Trump. being told to "shut up" about DT, having a house deal fall through, striking out over and over on houses, depression, being sick for so long and wondering if I was going to end up in the hospital again, missing a whole month of church and having no one check on me other than my pastor and his wife and my Sunday School teacher,  winter, and all kinds of other stuff have piled on til I feel buried in discouragement, depression, and disillusionment . The devil doesn't care how he gets us, as long as he gets us..... and he has found this tool of discouragement a success with me over and over. I am doing better than I was, but I haven't climbed completely out from under the pile yet.

The book:

Country singer Brad Paisley is credited with saying it: that today is the first page of a 365 page book, and to write a good one. I want to do that. Unfortunately, I don't have control over everything in that book, and there will be good and bad, and plot twists that I won't see coming...... but I serve a God who isn't surprised by plot twists, and can use them to make my book a good one no matter what happens. There are still 364 pages unwritten in this book of mine titled 2017. I hope and pray that whether I keep all of my resolutions or not, I will be a better man and Christian by page 365, and that in spite of Donald Trump and his supporters, church, houses, jobs, sickness, or whatever else 2017 holds, I will keep the faith and have a stronger faith when the last page of my year is written.

A new job, self confidence, and the boy no one liked

   

   My current job has been very good for my self confidence, something I have been lacking for most of my life. If we truly understood what bullying does to people, maybe....just maybe parents would do a better job of making sure they don't raise bullies. But then, millions of Christians just helped elect a huuuge bully for president, so maybe there is no hope of that.

    It is very hard to get away from, the effects of bullying. I grew up seriously believing no one liked or loved me, even God Himself. As I look back over my life, it brings me a lot of sadness and heartache as I see how much bullying has affected me. It hindered me from getting decent jobs, and even from applying for many I wanted. It hindered me from making friends, and to this day I have a difficult time making true friends and believing people actually like me.

  It has even most likely played a big part in my having same-sex attractions, or at least triggering them.

  The ways my childhood bullying have hurt and affected my life are possibly endless and too in depth and numerous to go into here. And there are ways it affected me that I may never share with anyone other than God.

 There may be books written on the subject how to get over and past the effects of bullying, as there are books written on everything. I have yet to see one that deals with it in such a way to effectively help one conquer all of it, and I definitely don't have all of the answers.

   I have worked for some difficult people in my life, and those individuals have left their mark. But this current job position I have has done wonders for me in this area of self confidence and self image, possibly more than I may ever realize. I can't count the times I have been complimented on my job performance, nor can I count the people who have complimented me: co-workers, my supervisors, nurses, nursing supervisors, visitors, patients, and more. My boss gave me a $50 gift card for doing such a good job, and more recently nominated me for employee of the month, which I got. The hospital gave me a special recognition for doing a good job last year. As I have done this job for the last 2 years and 9 months of Emergency Department Greeter, my self confidence has slowly grown and I hardly realized it.

  The hospital is starting a new position they are calling concierge. It is going to be a very visible position in the main entrance/lobby of the hospital. Duties will be greeting people, making sure they know where they are going, and offering assistance where needed. I applied for it, and wasn't sure of my chances. I am an outsourced employee, and not an actual hospital employee, but this position offers more money and I have wanted to work for the hospital. My boss said I'd be a shoe-in, and not to expect any recommendations from him because he doesn't want to lose me.

   First was the phone interview. It went well, and the lady doing the hiring said she liked my answers. Then the face to face interview with three ladies. I imagine the fact that I knew all 3 of them on some level helped, but I was the most relaxed I have ever been for an interview.

   And then the human resources interview. This one was different because the lady interviewing me was deaf and read lips. Again, it went very well and I was relaxed.

 Then I got the call with the job offer. I, Mark Buzard.... the kid nobody liked, was offered this very prestigious position with the hospital.

 There are pros and cons.
The cons:
 I have to work every other Sunday..... and I don't like to work Sundays.
I will also bounce between two hospitals, and the other one is further away.

The pros:
I will be working for the hospital, and can bid on other jobs later if I want.
I will be making more money...... at least $2 more an hour, but it will be more than that when my experience is added in....... so I am guessing it will be $3 or $4 more than what I am making.
I will work 4 days a week instead of 5 days, 2 12's and 2 8's.

  The news got around fast that I had been offered this position. I have lost track of how many people have congratulated me, told me they were happy for me, that I am perfect for this position,  and that I deserve it. And no, it has not given me a big head. It has, however boosted my self confidence even more and caused me to look back on my life and realize just how far I have come.

 There is such a thing as sinful pride and thinking too highly of oneself. God condemns that. However, the opposite is not good either. Hating ourselves, having no self esteem or self confidence does not make us a better Christian. In fact, I can see where it has hindered me from being the Christian I should be, and from being used of God in the ways I could have been used.

   I have likely lived over half of my life already, a very sobering thought. I have many regrets as I look back over my 47 years, and this is one of those regrets: that I let the actions and opinions of some bullies so long ago - and also more recently -  influence how I saw myself and how I felt God and others saw me for all of these years.

 However, I am thankful that God has used this current job and those I work with and around to finally help me in this area. My best days may be ahead of me.