Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Sunday, March 31, 2019

March musings

  This is only my second blog post since December 20. I have started a few posts that I never finished, and this may be another such post. There is a reason for my lack of blog posts, if anyone even noticed my silence. :) I will get into that later. This post will be a random one, of things on my mind or in my life lately.

1) Libertarians

  I always thought Ron Paul was a lunatic. He is very libertarian, and the more he talked, the less sense he made. I commented to a libertarian friend of mine that I have this idea that libertarians want to legalize all drugs and bring our military all home to just sit here and wait for attacks. He replied with an amused comment that it isn't that far off.

 A newer Facebook friend of mine who is also libertarian posted last night that we cannot legislate morality. In the process of the following conversation, he defended legalizing prostitution by pointing out that the Constitution gives us the right to "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." He made that statement after I pointed out how much the sex trafficking industry is intertwined with prostitution, and how much that would worsen if prostitution is legalized. They are a strange bunch.

 I made a few points I haven't gotten back to reading replies on yet, as I try to stay away from arguing much: if their logic is followed, a lot of things should be legalized.....what if an adult male wants a sexual relationship with a 10 year old boy....isn't it legalizing morality to say he can't? Are not laws against murder, rape, child molestation, theft, etc, all legalizing morality? Sure, there is the consent point to make, but we are not talking about consent. We are talking about the right to do what we want, basically, and that he government should not tell us what we can and cannot do.

 We do have too much government control and too many laws, but you cannot just legalize everything. Drugs are already too accessible to kids. I wish alcohol had never been legalized...we'd be better off without it..but drugs? No way!

 We do need a third party option, but I shudder to think of a world where libertarians are in control. It sounds eerily like anarchy.

2) Amish getaway

  I had a Monday and Tuesday off last month, and went to Sugarcreek, Ohio for those two days. I got the package deal I have done before....$84 for the stay, my choice of 3 restaurants for breakfast and supper, and around 20 other free things at different locations such as jam, cider, cheese, ham, bread, etc. I had a great time and found a nice used bookstore that I spent a lot of time and money in.

 There is a restaurant, Mrs Yoder's, where I always get my free supper/dinner, but they were closed for some kind of maintenance. I drove about 25 minutes and discovered that. Choice #2 is a place I ate once and wasn't all that impressed, so I picked choice #3: Charm Family Restaurant in Charm, OH.....a small place you'll miss if you blink. I doubt I would have ever eaten there otherwise, but it was a really good meal and nice restaurant. I may go there again some time.

3) 50

 In two short months, I will turn 50. Turning 40 was rough. I remember crying before and after it for a couple of weeks......but 50 has been worse. I'll be bluntly honest about what I have been keeping to myself for weeks, other than sharing some with my best friend.

 This is the reason I haven't blogged. This is the reason I have been reading non-stop and have basically retreated from the world as much as I can and still go to work and church.....though I'd love to stay home from both and be by myself.

 I am on two depression meds, and feel I am more depressed than ever. Don't roll your eyes. It is so much more than "just a number."

 I am not saying this all to sound pathetic or try to have a pity party...this is stuff that is crushing me.

 With 50 looming, so much is hitting me.

I have always felt like a failure, but even more so at this stage in my life. I'm not like other guys. I'll never be like other guys.

The reality of being so alone is worse. I gave up on marriage.....I'll never be attracted to any woman enough to marry and make it work......but it still hurts. More than that, is the never having kids of my own. I still dream of having a couple of little boys to do stuff with...how I'd play sports with them just because I loved them. But the impassibility of such a reality crushes me......and I mean that. Maybe I'd be a lousy dad anyway.....it seems to me I am not good at anything else, and I only see failure when I look in the mirror.

 It may sound like a major contradiction, but I am lonelier than ever, yet I don't want to be around people. On my days off, I rarely have much contact with anyone, except people I see in stores. Some days, like today, I won't even leave the house.

 The end of my life seems too close now. I know, no one knows when they will die. But 50? I have most likely lived more years than I have left. OK...not most likely. I have. I won't live to be 100.

And I don't want to grow old alone, but that is exactly what will happen.

The gay crap is harder to deal with than ever. I find myself angry at God. No one chooses to be attracted to the same sex. If you think that, you need slapped hard....but no one knows how or why. Some say you are born this way.......could they be right? And if they aren't, then how? How can a loving God let someone have this curse where they have to go through life never being able to have someone to love...always having the desires and attractions for what they cannot have?

People who marry and divorce, who cheat on each other.....they bother me a lot. They have what I can never have, and mess it up. And too many of the same people who toss out what the Bible says on divorce and remarriage still think being gay is the worst sin.

I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life. Oh, there is serving God and all that entails.....but life is just working and paying bills and trying to survive. I honestly don't think I am selfish......I just have nothing to do with my life.

 Since I am being honest.....I wish I could do something to help kids. But I have no ideas. I really do love kids, and am very thankful that I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews who are such a part of my life and me of theirs...but they are growing up. The girls all work and are in college. The boys are in school and one works, plus they are an hour from me.

4) Trump

 I honestly can't see any possibility of me ever voting for the man or supporting him at all in this reality. I am actually working on a long post outlining why I still oppose him, so I will keep this part brief: I am not being dramatic or stupid, but I find it disconcerting how pro-Trump so many are. His supporters act like he is untouchable and defend him no matter what....... and worse, will never criticize him, and go after anyone who does. Quick example:

Any time Obama even mentioned guns, conservatives went nuts. "Hillary will take our guns" was something people told me when they were trying to bully me into voting for Trump.

But since Trump has been in office, he has instituted a bump stock ban that went into effect this past week. He wants to raise the minimum age to buy guns to 21. He told Republicans in congress to not be afraid to buck the NRA.

And conservatives were silent. The Trump propaganda machines Fox News, Sean Hannity, Limbaugh, Drudge, etc didn't touch it. Not one of my Trump supporting friends said a peep. But I'd stake all I own that if it was someone with a D by their name, these people would be outraged.

Trump nominated the first gay ambassador  and Pence swore the guy in with his partner there. Silence.

The man paid hush money to prostitutes and his Christian base don't care.

I am conservative, so of course I oppose Joe Biden...but the same people excusing and overlooking the horrible actions and words of Trump with women are already doing posts about Joe Biden being creepy with women. To be blunt....these people have a huge double standard, if not hypocritical, if they are so willing to overlook and excuse Trump for far worse.

And the memes are so over the top. It drives me crazy.

And he has done other stuff he shouldn't. The man had policies completely opposite to conservatives for years.......it should be no surprise.....but the silence of conservatives truly is alarming. He said he could shoot someone on the streets of Manhatten and not lose any voters.....I find myself honestly wondering if there is anything he could do that would get criticism from his supporters. I worry about the future of conservatism and evangelical Christianity.

 The Trump phenomena has really affected me negatively. No one seems to think my opinions matter since I dare criticize the man. No one says that, but that is the feeling I get. "Your opinion doesn't matter since it is different than us, so please shut up."  It is really frustrating......and though I haven't lost my faith in God, it has taken a hit as God's people have attacked me, tried to bully and guilt me into voting for the man and trying to silence me, and so many continue to praise the man far more than the God they claim to serve. It did almost destroy my faith, but I was very discouraged at election time......and not about the election. Well, I am still very discouraged.

 I suspect the whole Trump thing has also had an affect on my depression.

 I attend a very conservative church, and there seems to be a big disconnect about some of the seemingly small things my church teaches we should do, and the the way so many act about this man and those who dare oppose him. I have had Christians in my own church un-follow and delete me because I dare oppose DT....but they had no problem with me doing and saying far worse about Obama.......I have thoughts on that, but won't verbalize them. I guess I just expected people in my church to be different about politics and Donald Trump, and I am disappointed and disillusioned because so many are not.

 And no, I am not saying I am any better. Honestly, people have no idea what I think of myself. What I truly think....but it isn't very nice or good.

Vote for him if you feel you must. Support him. Acknowledge when he does something right....but please don't put him on a pedestal and never criticize him and try to shut up anyone who dares do so. He is not God. He is far from it.

5) Reading

 I mentioned that I have been reading a lot of books. I set a goal to read 200 books this year. In these first three months of this year, I have read 159 books towards that goal.....but I have been doing almost nothing but reading in my spare time. Due largely to my depression, I have a hard time doing more menial things...I have yet to put out my living room decor I put away for Christmas. I did take my Christmas decorations down, with the exception of the lights in the windows.....

 I do my laundry and dishes and take care of myself, but clutter gets the best of me and some days I don't even make my bed...something I always do. My dining room table and my coffee table are covered in books.

6) Facebook

  I have given serious thought to deleting my account. I have unfollwed and blocked so many political pages, yet am still constantly flooded with political posts I don't want to see. And there are some I can't block for some reason.....when someone shares a post from say "Americans for the abolishment of chocolate", there is usually a drop down thing you can click to block the page....but sometimes it isn't there. I don't know why.

 But to be honest, most of my social life is on line. I know, that sounds pathetic.....but I am a single guy about to turn 50. My real true friends are rare, and the people I hang out with are all related to me and call me "Uncle".....and yes, I do get with the whole family too. I sometimes already feel like a hermit, and if I deleted FB, I fear it would be worse.....but then on the other hand, more and more I wish I didn't have to be around people anyway, except for my family. I always want to be around them.

 There are benefits of FB. I keep up with people I normally wouldn't otherwise, I have authors I follow and keep up with, book review related things I take advantage of, and groups I am that help and encourage me...especially in regards to my same-sex attractions since there is nada off line for me.

 I guess it is almost a necessary evil. It has its good and bad, but without it I would feel even more isolated and alone than I am.

 My current friend count on FB is 606. There are a lot of those people who never interact with me, and some of them never post. Occasionally a birthday will pop up for someone I didn't even realize I was friends with. There are also several people who have un-followed me because of DT. I have gone through before and deleted anyone who had not interacted with me for several months. It may be time for another purge.

 And then there are the FB friends who only interact or comment if they disagree. It would be rude to delete them, but that drives me crazy.

7) The tree

  A few weeks back we had really high winds. A pine tree in my front yard fell onto the electric wires, and blocked a good part of  the road. The electric company cut it down and got rid of it. The tree blocked my front porch pretty well, and I am going to miss it in the summer when I sit on the porch.  At least the large rhododendron bush still blocks the neighbors.....and there is always the back porch for a little more privacy.

8) Weather

  I really do hate winter. It is so cold, I don't like the snow, I don't like driving on bad roads...I get tired of cleaning my car off, I don't like the ugly grey that is all around....I don't dare say much or people get on me about it....and it is a known fact that people tend to be more depressed in the winter. I can attest to that.

 My favorite attire is a short sleeved shirt, sandals, and jeans.....no jacket needed. I can't wait. It is also awesome to jump in the car and go without having to clean it off or warm it up.

 There was a fairly warm day this past week, and I drove home with the windows down and wearing sunglasses.

9) Weight

 I have come to a standstill with the weight loss, but have kept it down. It is amazing how many clothes I have. I have gotten back in 36 waist pants and jeans.....something that hasn't happened in ages. I am kind of in between on shirts. My 18 1/2 XXL shirts are getting too big on me, but the necks of my 17 1/2 XL shirts are still too tight to wear ties...so my overflowing closet has both.

10) Ties

 I have long had a hate relationship with ties. I was forced to wear them in Bible College...even to meals. If I was working or something else between meals, I had to get one on just to eat. Something I still think is really, really stupid....and something I think they may have relaxed on since....but for years since, I have hated to wear them.

 Then I get a job where I have to wear them. Ugh. Surprisingly, I have gotten used to it and have gotten pretty good at tying them. I do try to leave them tied for a while, but that is mostly a time saver. I have also gotten better at matching them with what I wear.

 I went out to eat at my favorite restaurant after work last month, and actually left my tie on. I even kind of surprised myself.

 I also have to wear a dark green blazer at work. I still don't like it, and doubt I ever will.

 I have a few novelty type ties I like to wear. One has cars, which I get tons of comments about.....one with a lighthouse, a safari tie, and a Noah's Ark. I'd like to get a superheroe's tie..preferably Captain America..... and one with antique cars like the one above....but people want too much for used ties on eBay.....plus I bought some Christmas ties that were junk and tossed, the quality was so bad. You don't know what you are getting online.

11) Vacation

 My whole family is going on vacation this summer to the Outer Banks. My oldest sister and her family has been going every year for around 20 or so years. We go every other year, and her in-laws go the years we don't. There will be 13 of us in a large 5 bedroom house that has 5 1/2 bedrooms. We get along great...I imagine there are a lot of families who couldn't do that: Me, my parents, 2 sisters, 2 brother-in-laws, 3 nephews, and 3 nieces. This year may be challenging. My parents have had mini vans for years, so we had plenty of room......but they sold theirs and didn't get another. They and I will be in a Nissan Rogue with a clamshell carrier on top. Packing may be challenging. My sisters still have mini vans, so they should have plenty of room. We take a lot of our food, and that takes a lot of room.....plus I always pack too much.

12) Work

 With all the negativity in my life, I am thankful for my job. I do like it, and have a lot of coworkers I like and who seem to like me. Yeah, I can't believe it either. They all work at the hospital I am at the most, thankfully. I am at the other one tomorrow, and only have a few people there I interact with much and who seem to like me. Another reason I miss hospital #1 when I am not there.

But I still love my days off....

13) Thankful

 I do know I have a lot to be thankful for, and that I could be a lot worse off than I am. I absoultely hate the struggles I have and ask God why a lot....but it could be something far worse than what I deal with on a daily basis.