The gay cross

**I wrote part of this a few years back anonymously. I have added to it, and am posting it here. I didn't edit it much, so I may repeat myself with adding to it. I debated about posting it, as it could be controversial - like that stops me other times - and covers something most evangelical Christians are uncomfortable with at best. But I decided to post it.

Part 1, the new content:

  We have things pretty easy here in America. We can worship as we please, and most of us don't deal with persecution or even much push back if we serve God. We are heading in that direction, especially if we stick with what the Bible says about sexuality. That does not please the world.

   Christianity has become all too shallow in America. Denying yourself, sacrifice,  and crosses aren't things we like to hear about. We don't like to muddy the waters, and we try to live a Christian life that doesn't offend anyone.....but if we truly live by the Bible, we are going to offend people, and we will not be loved by the world.

 We like to be comfortable, and want a religion that doesn't inconvenience us. What God requires of us and how we should live looks amazingly like what we want to live like as a Christian. All too often, we interpret the Bible so we can do what we really want to do, not what God wants.

 The cross has become a gaudy decoration or something we wear around our neck. They are worn by everyone from church goers to porn stars, and gang members. It holds no meaning to many people wearing it, and many have no idea what it means to truly serve God and carry a cross.

  The things in our lives that we call our crosses are not truly crosses, but irritants and inconveniences.

"My husband always throws his dirty clothes on the floor, but that is my cross to bear."

"My teenagers are so unthankful and never do what I ask. That is my cross to bear."

"My boss is a tyrant, but that is my cross to bear."

  No it isn't. Those are just things you deal with in life. A cross is something that is going to make your life tough because you are a Christian. The baker losing his business because he stood up for his convictions and the gay bullies took him down.....he knows something about a cross. The man watching as Muslim radicals rape his wife and daughter because they dared convert to Christianity....they know what carrying a cross is all about.

   I read a story in a devotional I have called "Extreme Devotion" that stirred me. A man was being beaten and tortured as evil men tried to get him to deny Christ. He refused. They then brought in his teenage son and started on him. The man couldn't take it, and said he would deny Christ. His son interrupted him and told him not to, and said he did not want a coward for a father. So the father watched as they beat his son to death in front of him. That is a cross.

  Crosses. I read that if the Christians in the first century could see us wearing crosses around our necks, they would be horrified. The writer said it would be comparable to us wearing small electric chairs around our necks and hanging them on our walls.

 The cross was an instrument of torture and death, and if any of us were truly acquainted with them as they were used then, we would not want to even look at one, much less wear one. In fact, the word excruciating came about to describe the pain one went through on a cross. The truth of the matter is this: if we are truly following Jesus, we will carry a cross. None of us are the exception. If we have no cross, then we aren't a Christian, or at least where we should be with God.

   Many years ago when I was a teenager living in Pennsylvania, someone had a youth service on crosses. If I remember correctly, the idea was that people would come up to this table full of crosses after they had become a Christian, and the person at the table would give them their cross to carry. I don't remember much, except for one thing. One of the "new converts" was given her cross, then started looking over the other crosses. She laid hers down and picked up a more attractive one, and was immediately chastised and told that she could not pick her own cross, she had to take the one she was given.

  Oh, but how wonderful it would be if we could. Maybe. The problem would be that if we could pick our own cross, most or all of us would pick the most attractive one. The smallest one that we could hide if we wanted, and certainly not a heavy one. God in His infinite wisdom doesn't give us that choice of a cross. He offers salvation to us, and if we choose to serve Him, then we must surrender all, deny ourselves, pick up the cross He gives us, and follow Him.


Part 2, the old content:


   I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.

   Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. And we have areas we are tempted in, that it seems natural to take the easy way.

  Making my battle all the more difficult was struggling for so long to believe God loves me. Thankfully, in the last few years I have come to fully believe God does indeed love me and have come to know Him as I never have before. And I finally did what Jesus commanded of all of us: I took up my cross to truly follow Him. By the way, another "perk" of dealing with same-sex attraction: we are more likely to struggle to believe God loves us.

   What does it even mean to carry a cross? Obviously it isn't a physical wooden cross like Jesus carried, but Jesus had to mean what He said. Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. Oh, it isn't a drudgery, but it isn't going to be hunky dory 24/7 365 days a year having the world loving us if we truly live for God.

   So for me, denying myself and taking up a cross means denying what comes so naturally - being attracted to other guys and giving into those attractions and desires - and instead following God and finding my identity in Him, not my sexuality. It isn't easy. I'd like someone to love...we all do. Unfortunately, that doesn't look like what "normal" guys think of when they think of love. There are still Christians who look at guys like me in disgust. There are others who think I am nuts for denying my sexuality and living a celibate life. The openly gay crowd hates guys like me for even daring to suggest that someone may not want to be gay, that change is possible or necessary, and that homosexuality is indeed a sin and wrong in God's eyes. In fact, there are probably people reading this who have low opinions of guys like me, and others reading it who wish I wouldn't talk about it.

  It all adds up to a pretty heavy cross to carry.

   I don't think heterosexual people get it. For we who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The one dealing with same-sex attraction never can......if he is truly living for God. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is OK, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.

    All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for. They sit in the church pew week after week wishing they could tell someone, but afraid to do so.

   And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged to what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.

    Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner. I figured it was best to keep hiding in the shadows and keep my mask in place. I fought my battles in private, all alone.

   Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking at church, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my heart.

   More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to "those perverts", that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. One guy even said he'd rather have a murderer around his kids than "one of those perverts." As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt. Is it any wonder gay people hate the church and Christians so much?

  Since I first published this post almost 7 years ago, the subject has come up a few other times in my Sunday School class, and with much better results. There were no negative or hateful comments, but it was discussed in a loving and intelligent way. It may help that the ones who were so hateful the first time do not come back to my class anymore, and there were several people in attendance who know I struggle with SSA.....

 ( I have also finally "outted" myself. I have another blog where like the show Cheers, "everyone knows my name" and who I am...... and I have done several posts now where I admit what I deal with. I don't get too detailed about my past or sexual activities, as people don't need to know all of that.)

   And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change. There is a bill up in California, that if passed will make it illegal for someone like me to seek help.

  So we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.

  Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There was a time that  many people in my church or circle of friends had no idea what I deal with.

  The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry...... but it is worth it.  I have the assurance that God loves me and that I am living a life pleasing to Him. I am striving not to be "straight", but holy and like Jesus.

   And Jesus asks no less or more of me than anyone else. Whoever we are, whatever our sin or struggle, we must repent of it, deny ourselves, and follow Him.