1) The birthday.
May 26th will be my last birthday in the 40's. And I just realized today how depressed I am about that. I knew I was down about it, but I am seriously depressed about it. Not quite as bad as when I turned 40.... I haven't cried yet, and I did then.
I have a friend/coworker who works in the ER who is 6 days older than me. I asked her if she was depressed about it, and she said she isn't. I told her and another coworker how down I am about it, and can't imagine how bad next year will be....50. My friend said next year we should go out to celebrate, and then goes "Oh, but you don't drink." I laughed, and said maybe my next birthday will change that.
And I AM kidding about that. :)
2) Eagles
This IS random stuff that has been on my mind.....I discovered I may like the music group the Eagles. I have one song on my iPod by them, and discovered there are a few other songs I like that they sing, and I was not aware who the artist was. They have an awesome sound. I wonder if they have a Christmas CD.
3) Why Can't We?
No one, possibly with the exception of my best friend, has a clue how hard I am on myself. I still beat myself up over dumb stuff I did years ago. It is almost like a recording playing over and over in my brain reminding me of the dumb and bad stuff I have done, and beating me up over and over.
This may be a bad thing to admit, but I have a difficult time forgiving people...... and myself most of all. I can't let the stuff go. I am sure it isn't healthy, but I have years of doing this and years of things replayed in my mind.
A song came on this morning when I was playing my iPod on the way to work. It addresses this issue of forgiving....oneself, and others.
He lies awake there all alone most every night
Looking back on all of his mistakes
Wishing through the tears that he could just go back
'Cause there's a lot of things he'd like to change
He just can't forgive himself and forget
Even though God already did
If He can love someone and find the good within
In spite of what they've done, no matter where they've been
If He can let it go and set the debtor free
If He can keep forgiving you and me
Why can't we
There've been times I've been so hurt by someone else
I didn't wanna give a second chance
I let all the bitterness take control
And took grace into my own hands
But even Jesus said, "Whoever's done no wrong
Let him throw the first stone"
If He can love someone and find the good within
In spite of what they've done, no matter where they've been
If He can let it go and set the debtor free
If He can keep forgiving you and me
Why can't we
4) Lied about
Which brings me to the next thing on my mind. I had a fellow hospital employee give me some attitude recently, and my mouth got me in trouble as usual. The worst part, is she reported me to my boss and quoted me using a curse word. Even though my boss knows I don't curse, I am not sure she believed me when I told her I didn't curse.
I should be used to being lied about after this last election, but it isn't fun.
5) My Brazilian friend
I have a guy from Brazil who added me as a friend on Facebook several months ago, possibly over a year. We disagree theologically..... he is Calvinist, and I am far from being one... but I have gotten to know him as well as one can via social network. He is a great guy, and he told me something a while back that should bother any Christian reading this. If it doesn't bother you, then it is just proof that politics has indeed become too important to us.
His comment? He told me that Christians in Brazil are horrified at how Christians in America defend, excuse, and support Donald Trump. That is coming from someone watching America from afar... not someone here in America.
6) Music
As I am blogging, I have my country playlist playing on my computer. There are 229 songs on it.....as opposed to the 3950 Southern Gospel songs. And some of those 229 songs are hymns or Gospel songs recorded by country singers.
I have sat under preachers who preached against listening to country music - well pretty much any secular music....and even heard some speak out against Southern Gospel. Yeah, I go to a very conservative church, which is why the political stuff is bothering me so much.
Anyway, music is an area I had to find my own path on. And my music tastes have gotten a little more variety than the days I only listened to Southern Gospel. My iTunes contains a lot of Southern Gospel, some Christian Contemporary, a lot of Christmas, Saxophone, piano, and even some bluegrass.
This is my personal belief: I don't believe it is wrong to listen to some secular music, though we should be careful about what we listen to.....but Christians should definitely listen to more Christian than secular music.
And below is one of my favorite country songs:
7) The stupid people
I know, I always bring up Trump in these posts....but this IS on my mind.
Back during the election, I had a lot of people refuse to see/admit that you could be against both Hillary Clinton and the guy who said she'd make a great president. (That would be Donald Trump). And these people still refuse to admit you can be a conservative and oppose Donald Trump. It takes a pretty stupid person who can't understand the fact that you can be against both candidates, and that just because you are a conservative it does not make you a liberal to oppose DT. Seriously, it is like dealing with liberals on this stuff.
And to be honest.... it is insulting when you are opposing a man you view as a liberal and bad guy, and you are labeled a liberal for opposing him for being a liberal. In what reality does that make sense??
And yes, I know these people were only using manipulation when they refused to admit you could be against both candidates.
8) A life of vegans
Vegans are not only against eating meats, but any animal products..... no milk, eggs, or butter. Imagine a world run by these people. There would be no farms, for why would anyone keep cows if there was none used for meat or milk.... cows and chickens would be running around wild like any other animal. Weird.
9) Top of the World
Top of the World by the Carpenters just played. How is that for random information?
10) The embassy
I have seen several people claim the embassy in Israel to Jerusalem is a fulfillment of prophecy. Yep, it is right there in Matthew 30:11: "When the United States embassy in Israel is moved to Jerusalem, look up for your redemption draws nigh."
I pointed that out on Facebook, minus the sarcastic fake verse. Someone commented "Shut up Hollywood and CNN". (the same guy who says I am like a liberal when I point out Trump's liberal past..... I still can't wrap my head around THAT)
Here's the deal: I think this was a good move, no matter who is responsible or why...... but no, it is no fulfillment of prophecy... and I challenge anyone to give me a verse who claims it is. Anyone who has studied prophecy and end times events will tell you no one can find the USA in end times prophecy. If that is truly the case, our moving of the embassy is definitely not a fulfillment of prophecy. It is arrogance to think our country moving an embassy has anything to do with prophecy.
11) 83
That is how many songs on my country playlist are either hymns, Gospel songs, or a song that could be classified as Christian. I just counted them.
12)Birthday perks
There are businesses that give you something for your birthday. O Reilly's auto parts emailed me a coupon for $5 off a $5 or more purchase. I bought wax for my car and a sponge to wash the car.
A young guy waited on me with a unique name I have never heard for a first name: Lock. Different, but cool. It suited him.
Fin Feather Fur Outfitters sent me a $10 coupon by mail. That is where I bought my pistol. I bought ammo for my gun, which was $11.99.... so I paid $1.99 for it. Good deal.
Texas Roadhouse emailed me a coupon for a free appetizer, so I ate there and got a cactus blossom. If you have never had one, you are missing out.
14) The "Royal" Wedding
A lot of people are excited about the wedding of Prince Harry. I honestly am not interested. I hardly care about weddings of people I know. :)
The last wedding I attended was my little sister's. They will have been married 18 years in October.
I have never admitted this publicly, but since I freely talk about this stuff now, I may as well say why that is: It is painful for me to go to a wedding. A part of me still wishes I could fall in love and marry, but I know that is not going to happen... and even at this point if God suddenly turned me into a heterosexual, I can't see marriage being for me...... but it still hurts to attend a wedding and see what I cannot have. I don't begrudge the couples, but I don't want to sit through that.
I did see a few pictures and was impressed with the dress. Evidently the bride didn't feel the need to show her breasts, arms, and shoulders to the world to show everyone what her husband is getting like too many brides do.
15) Why I talk about "it"
As I mentioned in another blog post, talking about the gay stuff can be uncomfortable for some who don't understand it or are fearful or antagonistic towards all things gay. There are a few reasons I do so:
1) It is freeing. When you struggle in secret and no one knows, the battle is more difficult.
2) To give people an idea of what it is like, and to show them we aren't freaks and are their family and friends.
3) To give others hope. I honestly cannot imagine where I would be if others had not gone ahead of me, told told their stories, and opened themselves up for whatever came their way. To know others deal with this, that I am not alone.... to meet others and befriend them who carry this same cross...you can't imagine. Had there been no books from a Christian perspective, had their been no ministries for people with same-sex attractions, there is a good chance I'd have killed myself.....it is that difficult of a struggle. But thankfully, there have been people to step out and admit their struggle, write books, speak, start ministries, etc.
Just today, I posted a rather long blog post titled "The gay cross". I sat on the article for at least a week, debating on whether to post it or not. In addition to my personal Facebook page, I also posted it in a couple of groups I am in for SSA people. A married friend of mine commented. I am not sharing his comment to make myself look good, but to show how important it is to talk about this stuff:
"I just finished reading the article. I read most of it to my wife, who said she now understands why I want to continue the support group and counseling with Daniel. You said things that I have never been able to express to my wife or very few other people. You should also send this to HFW discussion page. A lot of guys and ladies will probably be weeping like I was."
And another friend commented with this "Wow,, this is good. I had someone in my church ask a friend of mine if I was a child molester."
Even if it only helps and encourages this one friend, it is worth whatever people think of me for posting what I did.
16) Does it get worse?
Hopefully this stuff doesn't get worse: I often leave my cell phone in my car when I get home.... and only home. I never forget it in the car anywhere else. The other night, I came home from work and was changing clothes, and the thought hit me "Where is my phone? Rats, it is in the car." I came downstairs to go out and get it. As I walked past my computer desk, I glanced at it and saw the light blinking on my cell phone and realized I had a Facebook message. (Read that sentence again and think about it.) I walked out to my entry way, put on my shoes and went to get my cell phone from my car. Just as I opened the car door I realized what I had just done.......
17) Mowing
The riding lawn mower is still not working.. so I am mowing at least 2 acres with the push mower.....5 + miles of walking, taking at least 3 hours. And man, is the grass growing! The plus.... it is good exercise. I lost 3 pounds since the weekend, and I am guessing that plays into it. I can honestly tell my doctor tomorrow that I have been getting exercise.
18) A/C
My house does not have central air. I do have 4 window air conditioners. So far, I have only had to use the one in my room. The downstairs has been staying cool enough with a fan. That may change.
19) The loneliness factor
Yeah, another gay post. Several years ago, I read a great book by John Trent and Gary Smalley titled "The Blessing." In the book, the authors related the following story:
A Christian woman had an unsaved husband she had been praying for and trying to win to the Lord. He spent a lot of his spare time at the bar drinking, and had no interest in church or God. Finally one day, he became a Christian and began attending church with her regularly. After some time, he quit going to church, quit God, and went back to the bar. His reason? He missed the companionship and fellowship of the bar, and wasn't getting that at church.
Now one could knock that guy and wonder how deep his experience was with God, but that is not my point.
People with same-sex attractions that are living for God and not giving into their attractions and desires can live a lonely life. I see what guys post in the groups I am in, and they are all lonely... all ages. I am not sure if any age is worse than others, but it seems the older one gets the worse it gets.
Let me be blunt here: I know enough to know the gay community offers a lot to those living the gay life. Community, support, friendship, and more. People leave that, become Christians, and then face a life that can be lonely a lot of the time, most of the time, or all the time. Is it any wonder people like me have a difficult time staying true to God?
Let me be even more blunt: being gay is not all about sex. Even the young guys hooking up with a different guy every night for sex are after a connection. Sure, they probably like and enjoy the sex, but they could do that on their own......to be very blunt.....but they want to be with someone, a living person.
So people have this constant connection, friendship, and community........then they become Christians and lose that. There are some fortunate enough to have a circle of friends and/or support.......but many do not.
Day after day, they face not only the sexual temptations, but also the loneliness and temptations to fill that loneliness the way they did for so long.
And most go and sit in a church filled with people who don't understand them. Many fear them, as if they might "catch it". Worse, some view them as child molesters, freaks, perverts, and other lovely things. Often, they shoot the wounded.
Not many in this family of God takes time to befriend them, be there for them, offer a listening ear, try to understand what it is like to deal daily with this thing they didn't ask for.
I myself....yeah, I have lonely times. My best friend gets me, but he is 400 miles away, and there isn't exactly a line of people standing at my door wanting to hang out...... but that is OK. I have gotten somewhat comfortable being alone.... and there is always my nieces and nephews. I am writing this for other guys like me.
This whole blog post is getting longer than I intended, but I want to share something I ran across several years back, written by an anonymous man dealing with same-sex attractions. Read at your own risk. It is a letter to the church... and most of it can be identified with by guys like me:
Dear Church,
I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.
I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.
I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.
Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.
Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?
Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.
I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.
I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.
Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.
I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?
20) Jesus and Mama
And just to not end on a serious note, I'll share this: One country song on my iPod that has been playing some is one titled "Jesus and Mama". The chorus goes like this:
Jesus and Mama always loved me
Even when the devil took control
Jesus and Mama always loved me
This I know
I was reminded of something humorous from several years ago.....like 20 +. I was working at Dutch House, and was singing that chorus in the bakery. One of the ladies working on the pie table piped up "Yeah, but they had to pay your mom!" That still makes me smile all these years later.
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