Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Saturday, February 27, 2021

February thoughts

  Here I am blogging again. What is this world coming to? I have some free time, so I decided to write a little, and see where my mind takes me.

 It actually isn't a very positive post. I'll try to do better next time


Conspiracy theories

    I am becoming increasingly bothered by how many Christians are buying into conspiracy theories. They seem to be coming from the Trump camp, and there are some really outrageous ones out there. Jeffrey Epstein is alive and has pictures of Biden and his son with little kids......Hillary is dead and has a double, Michelle Obama is really a man.....and there are others that are even more far out than those. A few years ago, I met a younger guy for supper to chat about politics. He talked a lot about a conspiracy guy called Q - of course my friend didn't consider him that. I cannot remember everything he said in regards to Q, but I do remember some of it: The reason Trump got in was to head up a massive investigation into a so-called Deep State. They were going to be handing out indictments for the Clintons, Obamas, and more. Obviously that never happened, and I doubt much - if any - of Q's predictions came true.

 Now there is a guy named Lin Wood who is coming up with some far out stuff...such as the Epstein theory, and even more far out stuff.

  There is guy who reads my blog some who I have been emailing back and forth some recently. He said this in his last email, and I think he hit the nail on the head. I had never thought of it this way, but it makes sense:

Conspiracy theories scare me. I get the appeal of them. They're comforting to people who feel like they have no control and no power. There's something nice about blaming all the problems of the world on one person or a small group of people, when the reality is always more complicated. The worst part of conspiracy theories is you can't disprove them. Everything becomes evidence for the conspiracy. The neo-Nazi guy I knew was a conspiracy theorist if that says anything. It's one of the main things people use to fill a hole that faith in God should fill. A lot of conspiracies are ridiculous, but they also bring meaning into people's lives. That's the problem there. It's really hard to argue the moon landing really happened when someone's structured their entire sense of self around the moon landing being a hoax.

 A family member sent me a video (link here if someone wants to check it out: The plan to save the world), and she told me to watch it with an open mind. My best friend, who I consider more intelligent than me watched it first. This is part of his reply: "The whole basis of the film is anti-biblical and a perfect propaganda piece for the anti-Christ to arise as the "good" leader who will save us all from the bad guys. The Bible doesn't teach that most people are good and if we could just get rid of the few bad ones we will be free. The Bible teaches that we are all hopelessly bad and only God can save us."

 I watched about 5 minutes of the 13 minute video, and couldn't handle any more of it. I am honestly not saying this to be rude or to come off as some perfect person, but I am truly worried about family and friends who are so into Trump that they are buying into these conspiracy stuff. Is it possible that even the most conservative and mature Christians can be deceived and sucked into things that are not any good?

  And I am not saying that all Trump supporters are into the conspiracy stuff, or that all Trump supporters are the same.

Trump, morals, me, and all things gay

 Speaking of same-sex attractions and me....one battle I have had the last 4 years is how evangelical Trump supporters either swept Trump's moral issues under the rug, or outright defended them. 

  Morals have always mattered to the religious right, and they have used moral failings against a lot of politicians in the past.

  To recap:

1) Trump cheated on at least 2 of his wives and bragged about it. He even said he had done nothing he needed to repent of.

2) He had strip clubs in his casinos

3) He bragged about grabbing women by (insert vulgar term), which is sexual assault 

4) The woman he cheated with on his last wife was in lesbian porn.

  Any of these would have been an issue if he had run as a Democrat. Instead, he was compared to David, Sampson, and others. If you pointed his moral failures out, you were the bad guy, even though the same people would have taken major issue if he was still a Democrat. We were told "we are not electing a pastor." 

  As I have said before, a friend of mine has 2 atheist friends who were disgusted by Christians so eagerly supporting and defending Trump. At least one of them made the statement "I don't want to ever hear a Christian talk about morals again." And quite honestly, I don't want to hear Trump supporters criticize gay people or talk about homosexuality again. A preacher I was friends with on Facebook posted a rant about gay people and what an abomination they are....yet he was an over the top Trump supporter. I commented and said something to the effect that yet he had no problem with Trump's adultery and other moral failings.

  And this isn't about people who voted for Trump and even think he was an OK president. It is the ones on social media defending every single thing about him, attacking anyone who dares criticize him or hold him to the same standards we have held other ones to, while trying to shut up anyone who does speak up. 

  To be honest, my struggles have gotten worse these last 4 years. It may sound crazy, and no one may understand it....but as I have watched Christian after Christian either defend Trump's moral failings or outright ignore them, and go after anyone who dared point them out.....it just seemed like a double standard. I know what kind of reaction I would get if I decided to openly live the gay lifestyle. The same people overlooking or defending Trump would be horrified. Prior to the 2016 election, I had commented about some of this stuff and questioned why so many Christians were suddenly OK with adultery. A lady from my church who barely knows me commented "With your past, I am surprised you would have a problem with it." #1 she evidently knows I am attracted to other guys, but that is all she knows - she doesn't go to church enough to know me. #2 my issue wasn't as much with Trump's adultery as it was with Christians defending and being OK with what they never were before.

  This would horrify anyone from my family or church, but I have become more pro-gay over the last 4 years. I cannot imagine me ever believing it isn't sin to engage in sex with the same gender, but I have always felt a bit antagonistic - I guess would be the right word - towards  gay people in general, which may sound weird since I am SSA or gay, whichever term one would use for me. It is just something the conservative church has so demonized as the worst sin, that I guess it influenced me and even caused self hatred because that is me.

 But I am pretty much OK with gay marriage at this point. If people can divorce and remarry and do all that Trump has done and still have the adulation of so many Christians, then is gay marriage any worse? My main issue with gay marriage all along was the fear of what has happened - forcing Christians to go against their beliefs. I can totally understand a gay couple wanting to marry and have an official joining of their lives.

 Maybe it is because I personally struggle with the issue myself, but I honestly believe any Christian who has defended Trump's abysmal moral issues and tried to shut up criticisms of it, and went after anyone who dared bring it up - those people have no business condemning gay people.

 I'll admit after what I have seen and experienced since 2016, I am a lot more tempted to ditch the church and Christianity and just go gay. It is such a tough and lonely thing to deal with. This may sound pathetic, but I so badly wish I could have a relationship and someone to love......but I am not attracted to women, and it is sin to have that with a man.

 And while I struggle alone, my family and others rail against me for daring to criticize their guy.

 And really, after so fully supporting Trump and defending everything about him, how could they rightly stand against voting for a gay conservative candidate..which is likely to happen some day.

Facebook experiment

  A lot of the frustration and crap I have dealt with has come from social media, and pretty much exclusively Facebook. There is still so much conspiracy stuff, and so many posts about Trump - even people insisting he will still be president for 4 more years.

 Something happened a few weeks ago.....it hurt, and I won't say what it was on here, but I decided to take a little break from Facebook.

First, I went through the 704 Facebook friends and deleted 180 who never interact with me. Then I started using the option to snooze people for 30 days on everyone - well, except my best friend and authors I follow and am friends with. I am also going to try to refrain from posting for the same length of time. There are groups I am in and pages that I follow that I want to keep up with. 

 I also use Facebook for a lot of book review related things. I am currently on two launch teams for new books - launch teams are more than reviewing books. They often have things to share on social media to help spread the word about the book, etc.....and there is always a Facebook group to keep up with.

  After a few weeks of not doing much, I am back on posting fairly regularly.

Is it a cult?

   There is a fairly large faction of Trump supporters who truly do seem to act like they are in a cult. There are a couple of things that have bothered me this week - well, one has been longer than a week.

   It is not an exaggeration or hyperbole to say I have never seen such over the top adulation and defense of a politician by Christians and conservatives. Sure, we like Regan, and I consider him to be the best president of my lifetime - of course Trump's most loyal supporters claim Trump is better......but even Regan didn't get what Trump has gotten, and still gets.

  Josh Mandel
Josh Mandel is a 43 year old Republican, former military who ran for Senate in Ohio a few years ago and lost. He is running again, and I started following him ages ago, but his recent posts bother me. A lot. He rarely - if ever - posts anything about his platform, policies, and what he personally wants to do if he wins. He constantly - and I do mean constantly - posts about advancing Trump's policies, talks about his support for Trump, etc. Even if Trump was still president, it seems ludicrous to run on a president instead of your own policies. 

  These posts I took screen shots were all in just a few days. His page is filled with posts like this:

   I commented a few times saying he needs to drop the Trump stuff and talk about his own platform and policies, and finally just quit following him yesterday. No matter how much a person likes Trump, it should bother them that he can't come up with any of his own ideas. Maybe that is why he lost last time. 

  And Trump is NOT the leader of the Republican Party.

The statute
   I truly haven't considered CPAC very conservative for some time, but they did something over the top this year. They had a 6 foot tall golden (I doubt real gold) statue of Trump. To be honest, as much as I joke about people worshiping him and he being the Republican Messiah, this took me aback. Yeah, we have monuments to some great presidents, but those were made long after those men died....and they truly did great things...but to put a statue up 4 months after his defeat at a convention he was speaking at.....yeah, that does truly enforce the idea that he has become more than he should be to many Republicans.

  I did a post about it on Facebook with a verse from Daniel where they were commanded to bow to the golden statue of Nebuchednezzer when the music played - hey, I can't help stirring the pot occasionally. :)  After I posted that, I saw a post by my favorite satire page, The Babylon Bee: Three Republicans Thrown Into Fiery Furnace For Not Bowing Down To Trump Statue. I guess great minds do think alike. :)

 And are they truly wanting him to run again in 2024?


  (Yeah, I talked about my job last time..but it never gets better)

  My job truly does drive me crazy any more. I dread work days, and sleep poorly nights before work. I love my days off even more, and hate even more when asked to go in on my days off..I feel guilty for saying no, yet have no desire to go in when I am off.

 I am so weary of people getting mad and giving me a hard time for trying to do my job. I have been cursed at, told to go to hell, called a "King James donkey hole"...only the guy actually said the word. Another man called me "the big fat bald guy at the front desk."

 Just this week:
1) There is allowed one visitor at a time, multiple during the 1 pm-6 pm visiting hours, with no waiting inside for the other people visiting the same patient. A lady insisted she had been allowed to sit outside the patient room while her aunt was visiting because her aunt was hard of hearing the day before (my day off). I called the nurse - I cannot make those kind of decisions, and the nurse said no. The lady kept kicking up a fuss, so my coworker who was helping out a bit called a supervisor and eventually got permission as I kept screening other visitors,

2) Last night, a young guy walked in with no mask and didn't stop. I tried to stop him and he kept walking, so a coworker caught him. He cursed me out, gave me a hard time about the mask - said he didn't wear one the day before - refused to say where he was going and claimed his "pap" was dying, so I just let him go. 

3) I have to know where people are going. If anyone goes to a patient room when they are not supposed to, or when there is someone else there already, I am going to hear about it. Sometimes I can tell if they have paper work and head for outpatient testing, and just by asking "can I help you with anything", a lot of people will say where they are going. But others, I have to actually come out and try to politely ask where they are headed, and explain why I need to know. 

 So this lady walked by with her elderly mother long before visiting hours headed towards the corrider where the patient rooms are. I walked over and asked if I could help them, and got a snappy "no thanks". So I asked where they were headed, and she came back with "Do you really need to know all of my business?!" 

 I replied that I kind of had to know and started to explain, but she shut me down and said she didn't want to know. I tried a few more times, and finally got the explanation out. She shot off more comments and ended with they were going to the coffee shop, but she'd just forget it and get her mother's bloodwork.

 She did come by later and apologize, but that rarely happens.

   Another man gave me a hard time because the seating area in the lobby is closed off, and daily I get attitude from people for not being allowed to wait in the hospital.

 The only plus is since November, it was only 2 hours of visiting, and it had to be the same visitor every single time......but this week started 5 hours of visiting, and family can rotate those 5 hours.

 It truly has given me a better understanding when I am on the other side of things. I despise the masks, but I don't give anyone a hard time about it. I just get in and out of stores as fast as I can and spend a lot of time at home....where I can go mask-less.


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