I have written some posts, but figure they are too controversial to post....questions for Calvinists, why I am still anti-Trump.......for example. I also occasionally type up a blog, get it out of my system and never post it. There are a lot of those posts in the drafts section of my blog.
As I sit here typing, it is 12:30 am. The calendar has turned to March 1. It is a mild evening, so I guess one could assume March came in like a lamb and is supposed to go out like a lion......if there is anything to that. And why just March? Why doesn't that apply to other months?
Anyway, I don't feel like going to bed, and for lack of anything else interesting me to do, I decided to blog. Maybe I'll actually post this one.
I am going to post it. I started it before I went to bed and finished it this evening, Thursday.
Really early Thursday morning...
1) Evening activities
Since I am off tomorrow, I like to stay up late since I can't do that on the night before work. I stopped at Walmart on my way home, then came home and heated up some of the spaghetti left from last night..... and there is still some left.
I watched a movie while I ate, then tackled the house. I vacuumed the whole house, did the dishes, a load of laundry, and the long overdue task of taking down my Christmas lights out of my windows. The outside tree is still on the porch, but it has yet to dry out enough to bring inside.
I moved some bookcases around. I had a shelf full of Narnia books and memorabilia in my library with a map of Narnia and some Narnia play figures hanging on the wall. I had to move it to make room for a another tall shelf for fiction. I moved the Narnia stuff to the hall, and moved the bookcase of joke books and humor downstairs to my all purpose room. I seriously need to weed out some of my books, but I don't know what I'd do with them.
2) McDonalds
I needed batteries and light bulbs, so I took a quick trip to the dollar store this evening. McDonalds is beside it, and I decided to check out the newly renovated and updated McDonalds. One new thing is a large touch screen you can order and pay on. I don't like those, but the line for the one register was long, so I used it and paid. I then stood near the counter waiting.
After the line was through, the lady asked if she could help me. I told her I ordered and paid on the screen. She asked me if I needed a cup. I replied with a smirk, "I hope I get a cup.....I only ordered a McFlurry"
Related advice: Never try to eat a McFlurry while driving at night.
3) Visiting a pastor
I am not in favor of women pastors, but there is a nice one who comes to the hospital regularly and volunteers as a chaplain. She had a fall and broke her hip,, so I visited her while at work yesterday and today. To my knowledge, she had one visitor other than me.....though people may have visited her who didn't need the room number from me. I bought her flowers in the gift shop and she really appreciated it.
4) Work
Work has been frustrating lately. We suddenly have a wheel chair shortage, and are constantly running out of them at the main entrance and other places, and then have a horrible time coming up with some. It is both embarrassing and frustrating, and has had me on edge all week.
5) Work 2
There are some really nice people who work at the hospital. I have a lot of people who speak to me and call me by name, give me hugs, and chat when they can. That makes work a better place when you have great coworkers, even from other departments.
6) Guns
I am really weary of the battle over guns. We don't have a gun problem in America, we have an problem of evil and hatred. America needs God back in the schools and government, not more gun control that will only take guns off of law abiding people and make us more vulnerable to an evil government.
7) I bought a gun
With part of my tax refund, I bought a nice pistol I am very happy with. It made me feel patriotic to be in the store seeing people all around me buying guns and practicing that thing liberals hate....the Second Amendment.
8) Walls
I think one reason I have slacked off on blogging, is I can feel my walls going back up. For years I was withdrawn and didn't think anyone liked me. Then I let the walls come down, and as a result I have become open about my feelings, my struggles, and thoughts......and then Trump happened. After months of people trying to shut me up and trying to get me to go against my conscience, I started feeling isolated and have started withdrawing into myself. I admit I get lonely, yet I have come to love being alone.
9) Trump.....the underlying reason for my anger
I have thought a lot about this past election, Trump, Christians and conservatives picking such a man, and all that has happened and been said. I have come to a conclusion that is under all of my anger and frustration about all of this. And this is extremely personal:
I feel like many Christians who support and defend Trump are pointing at gay people, horrified by their sin that is worse than others in their eyes. They almost hate gay people, and many Christians would shun them, make fun of them, and view them as really bad people........ then with the other arm they are embracing Donald Trump and having no problem with his serial adultery, his owning strip clubs, his vulgarity, and his bragging he likes to grab women by their genitals.
Newsflash: homosexuality is not worse than what Trump is.
I have fought these feelings for years, really not having anyone close by to talk to about it, and for years hiding it and having to lie about why I wasn't married. I was terrified of people finding out, and then I got to a place I didn't care about people knowing. I honestly don't know what people think of me. Are people at church afraid they will catch it off of me? Does anyone shun me because of my struggles? I don't know. I am sure there are some who might look down on me. I am pretty much a loner, but then I was before I "outted" myself.
Honestly.....there have been times in my life I have felt like just going for it.....forget the church and Christian thing and live the gay life. It is far more difficult than anyone knows to deal with this. I want love. I want a special someone to be with, to have romantic dinners with, to cuddle on the couch.....but the desires in me are not for a woman to have that with..... and God says no to what seems so natural.
One reason I haven't, is because it would hurt people. I know I would be shunned majorly. Oh there are other reasons, but those come into play....and yet so many of these people who would condemn me for giving in act like Donald Trump is ordained of God. It is really frustrating.
I don't think I am better than anyone else for not going against my conscience and voting for a man Christians should have fled from instead of embracing. I am just a guy who tried to do the right thing and took quite the beating from Christians for it.
If you are reading this, maybe you won't get it, and just toss aside what I have said from my heart....but it is true. I feel many of the same people defending all of this bad stuff in Trump condemn the gay crowd, and would condemn me if I had gone that way.
10) The crush
There is a new girl in the coffee shop at work. She is in her 30's, and was pretty discouraged her first week. I tried to encourage her, and even gave her a hug one day......As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Last Saturday, another coffee shop lady said she was going to play match maker and told me this lady has a major crush on me, and told me I should go for it. I am way over trying to make excuses, so I told this lady I am not attracted to women. She was shocked, but it stopped the match making attempt. The lady wouldn't be my type anyway were I "normal". Now I have this fear she is going to ask me out. And I was just trying to be nice.......
11) Lunch with the nephews
My nieces live close to me, so I take them out to eat fairly often. My nephews are an hour away and the chance to do so with them is rare. I was off this past weekend and wasn't doing anything Saturday, so I drove over to Canton and took them out to eat at Chik fil a, and went to a couple of stores. It was fun, and they seemed to enjoy it.
Thursday evening
12) My books
One of my aunts asked me on Facebook how many books I have. I had no idea, and with little to do today on my day off, I decided to count. Including books out on loan, I came up with 1232. 760 of those are fiction, which is no surprise. I knew I had more of it than any other kind of books.
13) Life
Sometimes life seems so mundane. You work so you can pay your bills, and don't have enough time or money left to really enjoy life the way it should be enjoyed. It is kind if depressing if you think much about it. I have come to really treasure my days off, and am thankful for my current schedule of 4 10 hour days, and 3 days off throughout the week. They aren't in a row, but I usually have 2 days off in a row..... and I love that.
14) Mr Davis the Calvinist
Since I am in and interact in some Facebook groups for people with same-sex attractions, I have had several people in those groups add me as a friend on Facebook. One such guy was a guy I'll call Mr Davis. He is "Reformed", which pretty much boils down to being a hyper/extremist Calvinist. I wearied of his constant attacks on Arminians - we who are not Calvinist. I even told him how offensive he was being, and he didn't care. I eventually blocked him. Now, a couple of years later, he has a new profile, and sent me a friend request. I ignored it for a day. He had recently attacked the Wesleys and anyone who follows their teachings on a friend's post. He messaged me and promised he had changed, and that he wasn't the offensive extreme Calvinist he had been. So I added him.... and it wasn't many days until he was back bashing anyone who disagrees with Calvinism. I commented one one such post, and he posted some really anti-Arminian stuff on my wall, so that was it.
Some of these Calvinists act like they are trying to win disciples to John Calvin instead of Jesus. You would think they'd be trying to win people to Jesus, instead of ranting about how God picks and chooses who He will save and condemn, that we have no choice in the matter, and they are part of the elect.
More than one has shared memes mocking anyone who is not Calvinist.. and I truly don't get it. Why is proving Calvinism right more important than sharing the Gospel?
And for the record, though I may agree with most of the Wesley's teachings, I don't revere them and rarely think about them.
Maybe I SHOULD post that blog about questions for Calvinists.......
15) Cooking
I like to cook, and do a lot of it since I live alone. Unfortunately, I don't cook small amounts. I overdid it on spaghetti this week, and today I made a huge amount of beef vegetable soup that will last me a while.... and it is really good, if I must say so myself.
And I added potatoes and more broth after the picture below was taken.
16) Flies
I love my place, and feel blessed to be in it. I have a bad fly problem though...... I mean really bad. Last night I vacuumed up around 30-40 dead flies from the windows and floor in my library. Every night before I go to bed, I kill a few in my room. I find dead flies on the floor in my dining room daily, and have a few fly tapes hanging throughout the house. It is gross, but I don't know how to keep them out of the house.
17) NRA
I had a Facebook friend who is an extreme liberal. She was quiet when Obama was in office, but came out swinging when Trump won. Turns out she thinks Obama was awesome, and is against everything good.....while claiming to be a Christian. I don't like Trump, but she was obsessed with him, constantly posting about him, rejoicing when someone left his administration, etc. I got tired of her constant ant-gun rants and her raving about how wonderful the kids are who are marching against guns.....and deleted her. I never could understand how she could think Trump was so bad and Obama so good.....where was she for 8 years?!
Anyway, she is largely responsible for me getting an NRA membership to show my support of them since she was constantly ranting against them and blaming them for school shootings.I even got a free magazine and duffel bag out of it.
18) Reading
I have read 32 books towards my goal of 150 books for the year. I am 25% of the way, and 11 books ahead, according to Goodreads. I should hit my goal if I keep it up.
19) NRA hat
There was an older guy at the hospital this week wearing an NRA hat. I told him I liked his hat. He replied that he had gotten several positive comments on it, and had a few people yell "killer!" at him for wearing it. Lovely. I'd be afraid to wear one in public.
20) Blogging
I do need to blog more than I have. This is a good start to doing so, a new blog post on the first day of a new month.
Until next time.......
No comments:
Post a Comment