October thoughts

***Warning: this is going to be a very long blog post, a combination of a new one and another I never posted last month. It is split up into different topics, so if you read this post, you can skip around and read the ones that might interest you, and skip others....or skip the whole thing. :)

  I have had a serious lack of blogging lately, which is bad. I find writing therapeutic, and just enjoy doing it. One problem I have is I often write a blog, get it out of my system, and never publish it. I have a ton of unpublished blog posts that I will most likely never post. Another problem I have is typing one up that has a lot of dated/current stuff in it, and I wait too long to post it and there are things not relevant anymore.

  I work at two hospitals that are in the same health system. One is closer, busier, and I know a lot more people there. The other is slower, further away by at least 30 minutes, and I don't know many people at. I am there today ( not the day I actually post this on my blog, we are past that day already). We had stopped being at this hospital on weekends at least a year ago, but recently started Saturdays again. Since it is so much slower, especially on weekends, I am sitting at the computer and figured I'd type up a blog in my email when I have the time.

 One advantage this hospital has, is there is a parking garage.

 Time does truly go faster the older I get. One month barely begins, and another is starting before I blink. I love summer, but it is gone and winter is peeking its very unwelcome head around the corner.

 This is going to be a variety blog. I don't even know where these types are going. I just blog about what has been on my mind, and what comes to my mind as I type. So here goes.....

1) Medications

  I had a doctor's visit on Thursday, and he wants me to start testing my sugar levels again. I have only bought the strips once - March of 2016 when I discovered I had type 2 diabetes.. I had no insurance then, and had to buy the little gadget that reads the strips....so I have no idea what I paid. I do remember it was a lot for the 2 combined. I picked up the news strips yesterday and had sticker shock. They charged $58 for 50 strips, and the instructions say to test 2 times a day. I cannot afford to buy them very often at that price, so I sure won't be testing it that often.

The doc also doubled my diabetes medicine. He wants me to lose weight, and the medication I take for diabetes helps with weight loss, and is sometimes prescribed to non-diabetics.... so that may explain my losing 4 pounds since my last visit in May without dieting. I do need to start watching what I eat, and being more careful about carbs and how much I eat.

2) Chili

 I have been wanting to make chili for a while, and decided to try one of the "Wendy's duplicate" recipes on line. As usual when I make anything like that, I ended up with far more than I need for one person. I took my parents a quart of it, and still had enough to feed a small village in Africa. My parents and I agreed that it does taste a lot like Wendy's chili.

3) Friend

 I ran into someone at Walmart that  I used to be friends with, but stuff happened and our friendship pretty much ended.She and her husband used to hang out a lot with me. She was one of the first people I told I was gay/same-sex attracted, or whatever label to attach to this stuff. They were a huge help and encouragement to me during the darkest days of my life. We chatted for quite a while, and I told her I was sorry for whatever I said and did to offend them, and she also apologized. We made plans to renew our friendship, and to hang out some time, and became friends on Facebook again. It made my day. I have missed them.

4) Friend 2

  Is there a time when we should cut people out of our lives? There's a lady I worked with at my last job, who I will call Barb. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty). She is a little older than me, has a boyfriend of many years who she does not live with nor has any intentions of marrying. She is a very fun and funny person, and we have hung out a lot. She likes my family, and has come to a few family events - graduations, my parents' 50th anniversary party.

 But there's a few bad things about her.

A. She is a notorious liar. She lies more than Obama and Trump combined.

B. She will come up with excuses to hang up on the phone, even when she calls me, and says she will call back....and never does.

C. She has arranged to meet for lunch several times, and has canceled on me so many times I lost track. It is so bad that even my parents figures she will cancel the last few times. And her reasons always sound made up. Once she said her brother surprised her and came from Florida to visit, but I found out he hadn't. It is frustrating.

 And then several months back, I was supposed to call her and make lunch plans this one day...... and I forgot. She was upset and I didn't hear from her for a very long time. Then a few weeks ago, she texted me, asked how I was, and said we need to get together. I replied and asked how she was..... and she has never replied to that text.

 Another thing....a couple of years ago she actually met me at Panera Bread for lunch. She got water with her meal, and after we ate and chatted for a while, she said she needed to use the restroom. She got up, went up to one of the garbage cans and got a coffee cup out of the bin on top, went up to the counter, and came back with another cup filled with coffee. There as no money exchanged, so I am fairly confident that she asked for a refill, and they as many restaurants will do, give you a new cup.

 But it gets worse. As we started to walk outside, I pointed out she was caryring the mug of coffee. She said she would take it back in. She didn't. She drove off with her free cup of coffee and her free mug.

  Do I need a person in my life like this? Being her friend is very frustrating and disappointing. I don't like people lying, and it isn't fun being canceled on multiple times.

5) Reading

 Goodreads is a website where you can keep track of books you read, want to read, where you can leave reviews, and meet other readers. Every year, they have a program where you put down how many books you want to read that year, and tracks your progress. I set my goal at 130, and passed it last week. I have read 131 books so far, and am currently reading 2 books...not something I normally do.

6) The books 

 The two books I am currently reading are both by guys who are gay and have left the gay life to live for God. Both are going to be totally different reads, with different views, but both are very good.

   A War of Loves by David Bennett: I was hoping to be able to review this book, and I did get on the launch team for it. The author is a former gay activist/agnostic who found God at the age of 19. I am guessing he is close to or around 30 years of age.

 Holy Sexuality by Christopher Yuan: This is another launch team I am on, but it has far fewer people on it. Christopher not only lived a very promiscuous gay life, but was a big drug dealer. He eventually went to prison, where he was diagnosed with HIV and became a Christian. He is currently on staff at Moody Bible Institute and goes around the country speaking. I was privleged to hear him a few years ago when he spoke at a location near to me. He thought I looked familiar, and I did hear his testimony back in 2006 at an Exodus conference....but I don't think I was anywhere near to him.

   I strongly believe too many Christians have no clue about gay related issues, and how to respond to and treat gay people. I truly shudder at what some people dealing with attractions to the same sex might experience if they confided in their parents or other Christians. It is something far more widespread than anyone knows, and  the likelihood of knowing someone gay/same sex attracted is very high. I hid mine for years and struggled in silence, and the people in my life had no clue what I was experiencing and dealing with. The church and Christians should be a safe place for people to come to with any issue, sin, or struggle....and this is one that is particularly difficult. I applaud Christians who take the time to learn about it, who read books, and take active measures to understand and be equipped to help....even if it is just a listening ear.

7) Making Christmas great again

 If you are a Trump supporter and are 100% against Obama or Hillary, imagine having a lot of Facebook friends constantly praising them, and knocking anyone who doesn't support them. Welcome to my world. I have friends on Facebook who bombard Facebook with pro-Trump posts. One would think by some of their posts that Donald Trump is their savior instead of Jesus..... and I am not trying to be rude by saying that.

 Anyway, a lot of the pro-Trump stuff is way over the top such as the pro-Obama stuff was.....but I saw something that took the cake. Pro-Trump advertisements and merchandise pop up all the time on my timeline. One came up for presidential coins with Donald Trump on. That isn't what got me though. This phrase was that was in the advertisement: "Make Christmas great again by purchasing some presidential Donald Trump coins." If you celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, that should be at least a little offensive, no matter how you feel about DT.

8) Blessed are the peacemakers

 Imagine what it would be like if we actually lived according to the Bible and its teachings. "oh, but I do", you say. "I am a faithful Christian who does live by the Bible." But do you really? Do I?

  I did a blog post recently about how Christians are too political and we set the Bible aside when we get political. It can happen in other areas too, but this is kind of a "P.S" to that.

 Are we truly living by the teachings of Jesus and other teachings in the Bible?

The Bible says that the peacemakers are blessed. Are we peacemakers? Can we be peacemakers while railing against those we disagree?

The Bible says the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience,  kindness, goodness, self control, faithfulness. Can we have those when we are political.......or driving a car, or talking to someone we disagree with on anything?

 I fear we have given politics, and other areas,  an exception to all of these teachings we should be practicing.

 When we get to Heaven, we will not be judged on how many political arguments we won, or how many people we convinced to vote how we wanted them to vote. We will be judged on how we treated people, and how we lived according to God's Word.

9) Love

  One problem Christians have nowadays, is not having love. Whether it be politics, gay people, liberals - or anyone we disagree with politically, family dynamics, church stuff, or anything else in life.....we don't love, or love enough.

  Do we truly love the obviously gay and flamboyant guy that is our waiter, or do we secretly look down on him, condemn him, and make fun of him?

 Do we love the young guy with purple hair that is stocking groceries in the aisle where we are getting pizza sauce? (Yeah, that was me. Getting the sauce, not with the purple hair. My hair is not purple.....nor is it there. :)

 Do we love those who vote differently than we do, and who fight our values?


10) When the shoe is on the other foot

  There have been a few instances lately of politicians - and non-politicians also - being harassed in public, and in some cases being forced out of a restaurant because of people harassing them. Many of my Facebook friends have shared the news stories of it happening to  Ted Cruz and his wife, and that press secretary lady for Trump. They have expressed their outrage and say how horrible it is. I was disgusted by both instances, even though I don't like or support the press secretary.

  And then it happened to Nancy Pelosi. Now don't get me wrong: I think she is the worst liberal out there, and cannot imagine what the people are thinking who vote her in time after time. There are a lot of Christians and conservatives rejoicing and laughing about it. But if it is wrong for it to happen to conservatives and Republicans, isn't it wrong to happen to even liberals?

 What it boils down to, is are we truly for or against certain things, or does our idea of right and wrong change depending on which party the person is from?

11) Mice 

  I live in the country in a 3 bedroom farmhouse, and love living there. One problem is mice. I have an outside cat - don't judge me, it has the barn when it is cold, and it hangs out at the neighbor's more than my place anyway. There's probably no way to say this without offending animal lovers, but I am grossed out by animals in the house. We had cats in the house when I was growing up, but now that I am adult, I just can't stand animals in the house... so the cat is no help. If it actually hung out at my house and didn't just come over to get fed, it might keep mice away......but it likes the neighbors.


   Anyway, I had a mouse several months ago. The traditional traps didn't work, so I set a black plastic one that looks like an igloo, and caught it immediately. I got another more recently. I again had no luck with the traditional trap, so I tried the igloo again... no luck. I tried another kind, no luck. At one point, I had 5 traps set in the kitchen...3 different kinds... and only caught ants...... so I went with the glue traps. Yeah, inhumane...but I didn't care. I was tired of cleaning up mouse poop and bleaching counters and other things. I caught it after 2 nights.... about 6 weeks after first discovering it.

   And then 2 days later, I found evidence it had a buddy. I put out a glue trap... and over a week later, no luck. I haven't found any evidence for a few days, so I am wondering if it left. I hope so.

12) Divisiveness

   Our country is getting more and more divided, and maybe we should drop the "United" in the spirit of honesty. There are things that have always divided us, but it is getting worse....especially in regards to politics and political issues.

  I believe 100% that Obama made it worse. As the first black president, he could have done a lot of good for race relations and united our country. Sadly, he did the opposite. He dove into the fray in anything that happened in regards to black people. He always blamed white people and cops, and helped stir up hatred towards whites and cops. He favored Muslims and seemed to delight in fighting Christians and our rights and freedoms. He definitely left the country more divided than when he took office.

 And then Donald Trump came along. His supporters will deny it, but he also has done a lot to stir up division. He has been a lifelong liberal, and he acts and reacts like a liberal. During the election, he encouraged his supporters to be violent. Yeah, look it up. Granted, anyone who does anything his fellow liberals dislike are going to tick the liberals off......but he needs to tone down his rhetoric and stay off Twitter.

 I fear if it gets much worse, our country could have another civil war.

13) Table for one

   I eat out a lot on my own. It is just a fact of life that outside of my family, I don't have anyone to meet for lunch or supper (dinner to some of you). I can sometimes be a bit senstive about it. It can feel odd to walk into a restaurant where everyone is sitting with at least one person, and to have a table by myself. And it doesn't help when the hostess says "just one?" Ugh.

 I recently experienced that more than normal. Last Friday I was hungry for Mexican, and decided to go into nearby Salem after I got home and change and eat at the Mexican restaurant there. Two problems with that: they tend to be busier at that time of day - close to 7 pm when I got there - and they also tend to be even busier on a Friday night.

  I parked and debated about leaving. They were very busy, but I was hungry for Mexican. I walked in and saw the couple ahead of me with one of those pager things they give out when they are out of tables. Ugh. I really thought about leaving then, but I really wanted Mexican...........so I said one person and sat down to wait. The wait wasn't very long, and I got seated in a booth that would hold four people.... and I was surrounded by booths with 2-4 people in them. I felt weird and conspicuous. Here I was taking up a booth all by myself when people were waiting for tables. I texted my best friend and relayed my feelings. He replied "you have as much right to be eating there as anyone else, don't worry about it."

 If my waiter was dismayed by my table of one, he didn't show it. My food took longer than it does at lunch when they are slower, but I enjoyed it and decided not to care what people thought. I didn't dwaddle though, and left the waiter $4 for what came to around $11 or less.

 Today (the actual day I am posting this blog, October 22), I went to the same restaurant with my 3 nieces. It is unusual for all three to be free at the same time, and I enjoyed taking them out for lunch.

14) Marriage/Singleness

  In the one book I am reading, A War of Loves, the author talks a lot about his desire for a boyfriend even after becoming a Christian. He dated a guy for a while, and really struggled to get to the point that he knew it was wrong and that he had to surrender his desire for marriage and a relationship to God.

  He made some interesting points. A lot of gay people are obsessed with relationships and having someone to love. He made the great point that the same is true of heterosexuals. There has been a push for several years to make gay people who become Christians into heterosexuals.There have been ministries that tried to help people change their sexual orientation and become attracted to the same sex. It has worked for some, but not for the majority.

 But should the goal for people like me to become "normal" and marry the opposite sex? Is marriage what we are all about? Some of the greatest Christians in history were single. Jesus was single........so when you pray, you are praying to a single adult. :)

 I am not knocking marriage. But is it possible we have idolized it and made it of more importance than it should be?

   For all too many churches, there really is no place for singles. The people most involved in the church are the married people with children. Whether or not it is intended, that is held up as the standard to work towards to be a normal church member. And then trying to be a single that is not attracted to the opposite sex.

   Books, movies, TV shows, commercials, billboards, and other mediums stress that we all need someone. Commercials for all sorts of products are geared towards sex and desire for another, and how it will help the relationship. From an early age, we have the idea instilled in us that we need another person to complete and fulfill us. People date too young, have sex too early, marry too quickly, and then we wonder at the high divorce rates.

   I am sure this is not original with me, but here are my thoughts: don't date in high school. It is a difficult and busy time without dating. Avoid serious relationships as an adult, and learn to be comfortable alone. There are too many people who have to immediately jump into a new relationship as soon as the last one ends. It is as if people can't function on their own without a special someone in their life. It may sound weird, but learn to know yourself and do stuff alone.

   Yeah, being alone can be lonely. I know all about that. We are social creatures and most of us enjoy doing things with others. I have gone to the Amish part of Ohio by myself several times, and even stayed overnight in a motel... and enjoyed it a lot. I have gone twice with my best friend, and it is more fun with a buddy.  But the thing is, I can be comfortable and enjoy myself when it is just me. And we should all be that way.

  It can be tough being a single person in such a relationship orientated world. It isn't just restaurants that can make a single person feel out of place. We can even feel out place at church and with family. I was reading a blog post recently  by a young man who talked about how difficult family pictures are. When his family is together for special events and holidays, all of his siblings have spouses and children and pose with them. He has neither and feels out of place.

 We need marriage and families, or the human race would die out. However, I do believe we have made marriage a cure all. Lonely? Get married. Gay? Marry and it will make it go away. Want to fit in? Marry. Want to be used of God? Get married.........and so on.

  Here is the blunt truth of the matter: God is the only person who can truly fulfill any of us. It isn't only gay people who become Christians that must surrender their sexuality and desires for a relationship and marriage to God....everyone must.

15) Why I talk about "it" so much

  I am sure there are people who wish I didn't discuss gay related things so much....but let me be a little blunt and open about this.

 One one hand, it can be disturbing how much gay stuff is shoved in our faces, and how there is such a push to normalize it and even indoctrinate young children about how wonderful and normal it is.

 But there is a positive side to that. There was day when gay people were scared to death to "come out", and there are still places in the world, such as Muslim countries, where gay people are tortured and killed. There are even many here in our country who fear coming out and admitting it.

   It is no fun to deal with it and have to hide it. I sat in the church pew for years carrying the very heavy secret. I was scared to death of people finding out. I got rather good at dodging questions about why I wasn't dating or married, and adapted an attitude of joking about it that made people think I didn't want to be married....but oh, how I did.

 Since I quit hiding my struggles, it has been life changing. It has gotten easier to deal with it, as such a secret makes it more difficult to deal with it. I honestly don't know what people think of me because of it. I have never really had many people who are actual friends with me, as in hanging out... so I haven't noticed a difference. But then people are just as apt to avoid me because I don't blindly fall in with the Republican Party anymore.

 But on to the positive I was getting to: I would never have come to the place I am at, if it were not for others like me who have written books, spoke at conferences, talk about their struggles publicly and on social media.

  Imagine if you had something wrong with you physically, emotionally, or some difficult struggle. Now imagine if you knew of no one else with that same issue. How likely would you be to tell anyone? How would you feel emotionally if you thought you were the only one?

 And that is why I have become so open about discussing my struggles with same-sex attractions, and share so many thoughts about it. I hope by sharing some of my thoughts and struggles that I can help and encourage others who are dealing with this.

 I'll share a comment I just got today on a recent blog post. It made my day, and reinforced how important it is to be more open and transparent about these things. I think this is the first time this guy commented. I have no idea of his age, where he lives, or if he is even using his real first name.....but it made my day and made me more determined to not keep quiet about my struggles. I doubt he would mind me sharing it here, as it is a public comment already:


Cody  October 21, 2018 at 6:52 PM

Mark, Thank you for sharing your heart. I totally relate, as a faithful Christian who also struggles with same-sex attraction. You are not alone and your blog always encourages me. :-)

 THAT is why I post the things I do. If I even help or encourage one person dealing with this very tough issue, then it is worth whatever others think of me.

 And this is part of me. Yes, God can change people's sexual orientation, but He doesn't always do that.... and I am OK with that. Being heterosexual or "straight" shouldn't be the goal anyway....being like Jesus and pleasing Him should be.

16) Loving gay people

  Yeah, more on the gay stuff. I deal with it, and am reading 2 books on the subject, so it is on my mind a lot.

   There has been a lot of damage done to the gay community by the church and Christians. I have heard my share of jokes, cutting remarks, and outright homophobia in my life. David Bennett relayed something that happened to him after he became a Christian: he had invited 2 gay friends of his to go to church with him. They were a bit reluctant and antsy about being there, and the preacher said some things they took issue with. At some point in his sermon, he told a joke about gay people. David's 2 friends got up and walked out, and he followed them.

  It isn't funny, it isn't nice, and it certainly isn't Christian to joke about gay people and make mean remarks.

 Some years ago, someone was speaking in church. They mentioned homosexuality. A guy sitting behind me who had gone to a few concerts with me, leaned up to me and said "we should round up all of them and hang them." It hurt. A lot. He had no clue. Then there was the Sunday School class. We were doing a month on social issues - abortion, homosexuality, etc. I was still deeply "in the closet". I can't remember everything that was said, but there were 2 men especially vocal about "those perverts". One, or both, said they'd prefer having a murderer around their kids over one of those perverts....and other such remarks. I was fighting tears and the desire to walk out....but I was afraid people would figure out my secret. If that happened now that I don't care who cares, I would not stay silent. I am happy to report the subject has been discussed in that same class in more recent years with compassion and kind comments.

   But how many people are we driving away from the church that we could be winning to Jesus? Imagine if I wasn't in the church and had been a visitor in that class. Do you think I would have ever darkened another church door or been interested in being a Christian?

 There are gay people all around us. Many hide it, afraid to tell anyone. Our churches have countless people dealing with this issue who are scared to death to talk to anyone in the church about it because of the attitude towards it by so many Christians. In my church alone, which averages around 235-250 most Sunday mornings, there are 3 including me, that I know of. I don't know the identity of the third. There may be more than three. How many will be driven from the church because of how all too many Christians react to gay people?

   And let me take it further since I am on the subject: same- sex attractions should not disqualify people from ministry or church offices. I have read several stories of guys who were rejected from holding an office in the church because they were a Christian attracted to other guys. One I recently read of was actually asked to step down from an office he was holding when the church found out about his same-sex attractions. And by the way, I am completely happy warming a pew - or actually the stupid chairs that replaced the pews. It may sound bad, but I really don't want anything to do....but there are many who do and are not allowed.

   I referenced it before on my blog, but my Sunday School teacher made an interesting statement in class once. He pointed out that the early church was built on some pretty messed up people. Read Paul's letters, especially Corinthians. They had gay people, people in other sexual sins, and other sins. God redeemed them and started  the early church with people like that....people like me.

 Who knows what some of these churches are missing by refusing to allow anyone to serve who has same-sex attractions?

 Thankfully, God welcomes us all.

More thoughts.......the rest are things I wrote last month and never published, so they may be outdated a bit

17) Nike

 Nike has made the news by doing an ad featuring Colin Kaepernick and others. They are getting serious criticism and losing customers like crazy.

 A friend of mine said it well: Nike has the freedom to do what they want to in this regard, but they will also suffer the consequences of such a foolish move. Colin K is not a popular guy, and his actions and other NFL players has made the NFL suffer some.

 People are calling for a boycott of Nike, but I have been boycotting them all my life. There's no way I'd pay that much for a pair of shoes.

 And their slogan is way off base......believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything. It matters what you believe in and sacrifice for. The Muslims guilty for 911 believed intensely in the wrong thing, and sacrificed everything.... and are burning in hell for believing in the wrong thing.

18) NFL bowing    

 I find it telling that we didn't hear from any football players protesting during the off season. If their protests are so important to them, why just do it during game time? Is it because they can get more attention and be more offensive then?

 Some defend them doing it, but here is the thing: When they are on the field, they are working for someone....and that is no time for political protests. The majority of us would get fired if we did that on the job..... and they should be no different.


19) Defending indecency

  It seems to many people that as long as a politician does enough things politically to please his voters, that it is God who put him into office...no matter how corrupt and immoral he is.

 I have serious concerns about some of the Christians in the Republican Party. I get that people were scared of Hillary Clinton, so they voted for the lesser of two evils.....but Donald Trump should never have made it very far in the primaries, and definitely should not have won the GOP ticket. I have said it before: If he had kept the D by his name and ran, the same people who defended his liberal and immoral past would have been using it as reasons to not vote for the man.

 A Christian friend of mine actually posted on Facebook recently that she doesn't care that Trump used and paid off a prostitute because he did it when he wasn't in office....so it doesn't matter What?! And sadly, that is the attitude of many of Trump's evangelical supporters. Christians defend things in him that should bother them.

 I made reference to it before, but some months back I shared a meme of Trump asking Jr what he was thinking committing adultery. Jr replied "I learned it from you." A very conservative preacher's wife commented "Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone".........yet she constantly condemns Hillary and other liberals. Also, her son's first wife cheated on him, and I'd bet all I own that she doesn't chirp that verse when that woman's name comes up.

 There is a Republican who won the GOP nomination for some office in Nevada that owns brothels.....and Christians are voting for the man, I guess it shouldn't surprise me since Christians have no problem with the strip clubs in Trump's casinos.....which is OK since he actually doesn't own the strip clubs, they are just in casinos that he owns...so I am told.

 Not all Trump voters defend the bad in him, but enough do that it is concerning. And the over the top praise of him is so common. I have Facebook friends who are constantly posting defense and praise of him. It would get old even if I liked DT.

 One more thing on Trump: I see people posting things often to make him look good, as if they need to offset all the bad he does and says. Example: A big Trump fan posted recently that Trump was the only president to attend Billy Graham's funeral.


A few things about that:

Billy Graham didn't mean much to me. He was a good man, better than most celebrity type preachers.....but I never read any of his books or listened to his sermons. I have differences of opinions on him with theology and some other issues.....so I really don't care who attended and didn't attend his funeral.

Imagine the security nightmare had all living presidents attended. Maybe Trump should have skipped it too so it wouldn't have been such a circus.

His attending the funeral of a popular preacher doesn't take away what kind of man he is.

  Republicans cannot hold Democrats to a different standard than Republicans, or guys that have an R by their name.....but that is exactly what they have done and are doing with Donald Trump. And we who dare hold him to the same standards we have held other politicians to, are the bad guys. Go figure.

 Back when Obama was in office, there was a lot of over the top adulation and praise of him from his supporters......but I think some of the Trump supporters have bypassed that and are worse. Sometimes my Facebook feed is downright nauseating as I see the over the top defense and adulation of a very corrupt man.

 And I get there are a lot of people who voted reluctantly for him.

20) Demanding acceptance

  The world keeps coming out with more and more bizarre looks, fads, and behaviors....and those who do it demand we just accept them.

 Case in point: Tattoos. There was a day when decent people didn't get them. And still today, they are often associated with gangs and bikers, and other rough characters. I'll be blunt: I think people are nuts for putting something permanent on their bodies, but I can tolerate a few tasteful ones that can be covered.....but sleeves and enough tattoos that people look like a walking tattoo advertisement is insane. They could save money by jumping in a vat of ink if they want so much skin to be a different color.

 Weird colored hair, gauges, piercings, and multiple tattoos.....people end up looking like freaks, and then they demand to be accepted for their freaking behavior and looks. It made the news a while back when a couple asked for a different waitress because theirs had several tattoos.....but if you are dining out, you have the right to want a waiter or waitress that looks normal.

 Here's the thing: things that were wrong, bizarre, taboo, etc are now being flaunted and done by many, and we who still believe those things are wrong, bizarre, and taboo are demanded to accept and not have any issue with.

  And just because society accepts something as normal and OK, does that make it normal and OK? In the early days of the Roman empire, it was considered OK and normal for an adult male to have a young boy for sexual purposes. That is an extreme example, but I use it to prove my point: just because a segment of the population accepts something as normal and OK, does not make it normal and OK.

 We have value, no matter what we look like......but if you are going to do bizarre things to your body, you cannot expect the whole world to accept the way you look and not have a problem with it.

 And yes, we should love people no matter what they do or look like.....but come on, it is getting beyond ridiculous what people are doing to themselves.

21) The Catholic Church

  In my opinion, there is something the Catholic church needs to do if they are truly concerned about the sexual abuse scandal: stop the cover up, launch an investigation to round up other guilty parties, and turn them over to  the police.

 There have been other cases where children were being molested, and people looked the other way...such as the Penn State scandal a few years back. It seems to me that too many people are more concerned with keeping the reputations and images intact of organizations and people, than they are with protecting children.

 A Catholic friend of mine who is in his 70's told me months ago that the Catholic church just moves a priest to another parish when he is caught molesting kids. I think  the Catholic church is way off-base in the majority of their beliefs and practices anyway, but how can they expect God to have anything to do with them if they cover up the sexual molestation of children? And the people who help cover up are as guilty as the ones doing the abusing.

 How many of these kids are forced to be around their abusers because their parents ignore their not wanting to be around them. The altar boy being abused and not wanting to go, is forced by his parents because it is an honor. The young football player wanting to drop out because his coach is molesting him, but his dad wants his son to play football, so they deny his request to drop out.

  Granted, not every kid who wants to drop out of things like this are being molested......but I would wager that some are.

 I don't know what the answer is. I don't believe the majority of gay men are going to molest boys, and if you look at the amount of teachers having sex with their students, it is obvious it is not just a gay issue. It is beyond pathetic and outrageous that kids are being taken advantage of by priests, teachers, coaches, and other adults in a place of leadership....or adults in general. It seems nowhere is exempt.

 Frank Worthen is a man who dealt with same-sex attractions, and eventually married a woman and started a ministry to help people with unwanted same-sex attractions. As a teenager, he went to his pastor about his attractions, and that pastor took advantage of him sexually......so it isn't just a Catholic problem.

 Jesus said it would be better to have a millstone hung around your neck and be thrown into  the sea, than to offend a child......and sexual abuse has got to be one of the worst things to do to a child.

 I saw a post yesterday by a Catholic who believes as many do that the pope knew about the cover up of the molestation of children, and may have helped cover it up.....yet the writer doesn't think the pope should be removed, as it would hurt the Catholic Church....but isn't protecting kids and getting justice for those hurt by priests more important? I say kick him out and charge him as an accessory.

22) Voting your conscience

    One of the most frustrating things about this past election was the refusal of Christians voting for Trump to understand voting your conscience. If one truly lives the Christian life and follows Jesus the way the Bible says to, they are going to face times when they feel they can't do something, and to do so would go against their conscience and beliefs.

  I know Christians who don't believe in wearing neck ties - wish I had that conviction! I know Christians who don't believe they should eat in an establishment  that serves alcohol. I  know a lot of people who don't do certain things on Sunday, some of which I would agree with and some that I would not. I could go on and list examples, but if you truly follow Jesus, there will be things you feel you cannot do.

  One thing these all have in common: other Christians in their church/denomination are not going to harass them trying to get them to do what they feel they cannot. Oh, more liberal Christians will.......but not those who have the same belief system and church background.

  But along comes politics. Those same Christians who understand not going against your conscience, and who themselves have had times when they could not do something because it would violate their conscience and beliefs....they want you to go against your conscience and will not understand or allow you to do so unchallenged. Just this morning, a Facebook friend posted something that irritated me. He has posted often condemning people who did not vote or voted third party, and this morning. He mockingly referred to those who didn't vote as "pure as the wind driven snow".

   I don't think I am off base when I say this: A true follower of Jesus would understand a person not going against their conscience,...even in politics. It is sad that we have elevated politics to such a level that it is almost important, or as important to us as spiritual things.

  I am far more frustrated because of this election, than anyone really knows. I don't even say half of what I think, or when I think it. I will say this: due to the crap I got for not voting for DT this last election, among other things......I may never vote again in my life. What good does it do anyway?

 I see a lot of people posting to vote your values, but it seems we only want people to do that if they vote like us...... and we are free speech as long as we agree with it.

23) Kavanaugh    (ok, this one is really outdated)

  I really don't know much about the judge up for the Supreme Court. With my feelings about Trump, I find it hard to believe anyone he picks is completely good....but maybe he is a true conservative.....the judge, not Trump.

 Anyway, it is becoming all too predicable....conservative up for an important position, and a woman (or women) from his past comes forward with sexual allegations. A few thoughts on that:

1) The attacks/abuse do happen, but should women always be believed? Should the man always be presumed guilty, while the woman be presumed a victim? There have been men sent to prison on false rape charges, and men whose reputations have been destroyed because a woman lied.

2) This woman is a liberal who donated to liberals, is a Hillary supporter - in other words, a female version of Trump (haha!) - and has other liberal ties. And she suddenly after 40 years comes forward with something that supposedly happened when Kavanaugh was 17 years old.

3) The timing is suspicious and too convenient. Why wait til now? Why not when he was up to be an attorney or judge?

4) No woman deserves rape. Read that twice before you read my next statement: But if a girl or woman doesn't want to be raped/taken advantage of, there are a few things to help that not happen:

a) Don't go to a party where there are a bunch of horny boys and men, and get drunk.

b) Do not ever go in a bedroom or in a hotel room with a male, unless you plan on having sex with that male.

c) Conduct yourself and dress like a lady. I am not attracted to  females, so maybe I can see it better than guys who are: a lot of females flirt too much, and act in ways to encourage guys to go after them, instead of acting in a proper way to encourage guys to treat them with respect.

  Any woman can be raped, but I do believe women should be more careful in some areas. There have been many young girls raped at parties where they got drunk and/or high, where if they had not drank or gotten high - or not gone to the party at all - they would not have been so vulnerable.

 I do believe this woman is lying, but even if it did happen..........it was 17 years ago when he was 17 years old. Should it still be held against him? How many of us want things we did as a teenager held against us?

24) Nationalism

  I am as patriotic as the next guy. I know what has been sacrificed and been done to make our country what it is, and I am thankful for that. But lately, I have been wondering if we are too nationalistic.I dared ask that on Facebook a while back, and one friend commented "definitely not! But you are welcome to your opinions." Another friend responded hotly that I should go to Venezuela and then maybe I would appreciate America more. But my appreciating our country wasn't the point. I do appreciate it and our remaining freedoms. We are losing rights and freedoms at an alarming rate, and the amount of people who want socialism is scary...our forefathers would roll over in  their graves to see how many freedoms we have lost........but we still are free to worship as we please, and are more free than many others across the globe.

   Nationalism is more than patriotism. It is defined as "having strong patriotic feelings, especially a belief in the superiority of one's own country over others." I fear we are too proud to be Americans, that we have a feeling of superiority over those in other countries, and many of us may even have a misguided idea that God loves America more and favors us more than other countries. We seem to think and react as Americans first, and Christians secondly. Pride is a sin condemned often in the Bible, and I fear we may carry the pride of country too far sometimes.

 I think some Christians in America would be shocked to learn God is not an American.... or a Republican.

25) Clothing

  I have to dress up for work....unfortunately. Black or grey dress pants, a green blazer (provided by the hospital), dress shirt, tie, and black shoes. For most of my time since January of 2017 doing this job, I have worn white shirts. I was never good at matching, so I played it safe.

 A few weeks ago, I decided to branch out. I wore a shirt and tie combination that I wasn't sure about. One female coworker said it looked OK when asked, a blunt male coworker said it looked horrible - without being asked, and another female coworker politely said she wouldn't put it together when I asked her.

 Later that day, a black woman who comes in often and accessories and matches to a T came in. Everything matched, even her scarf, purse, and flip flops. I complimented her and told her she always dresses nice, and that I might need her help. Pointing at my shirt and tie, I told her my coworkers said my shirt and tie don't go well together. She looked me over, and said "Oh honey, definitely not." After about dying laughing, I vowed to never wear that combo again.

 I have become better at it since, though using a plain black tie has helped a lot. I have gotten several compliments on my shirt and tie combinations, and haven't worn a white shirt in a couple of weeks now.

26)  Decor 

  I don't have nearly the amount of fall decor as I do Christmas, but I have enough that I need to get it out. A lady from my church gave me a heads up to a decoration a local store was selling cheap, so I picked one up for my place. She knows I like old trucks in decor - I got a Christmas one last year - and this one is for fall. The pic is hers, but mine is the same. I was too lazy to take and upload my own :)

 I bought 2 scarecrows and 2 pumpkins to put outside, so hopefully I get around to that this weekend.

 Also pictured is my favorite fall decoration. I bought it when I worked at Hobby Lobby. If I remember correctly, it was at least $70 originally - if not more. After the mark down after season and with my discount, I paid well under $20 for it.

27) Decor 2 (old and new)

  I have my bedroom done in patriotic/Americana decor. There is a lady who works in my doctor's office (which is in the hospital I work at), who gives me that kind of decor occasionally. When she wants to get rid of decor, she brings it to work to give away, and gives me first choice on patriotic/ Americana stuff. She gave me a big metal blue star that is on my front porch, and a few other things. Yesterday she gave me 2 pillows, which are already displayed in my room.

 She also gave me other patriotic decor.

 And more recently, the quilt on the wall and the 2 patriotic pillows on my bed.


28) 2 conversations (new, as of today, October 22)

  I discussed this in my last blog post, but will briefly mention it here: on Saturday I had 2 conversations, both with younger guys who are same-sex attracted Christians. The one was on Twitter, and he said some helpful things, even though we disagree on some things. The other was an over 3 hour conversation with another guy who preaches some. He had me reading a few chapters over the phone and he would interrupt to comment on some. Both guys really encouraged me, and made me wish more people would take time to help and encourage others.


  And that is finally it. Sorry for such a long post.

2 books, 2 conversations

  **Just a heads up that this is a gay related post, for those who may be bothered by those.

The books

    Anyone who knows me very well, knows I like to read. I have a lot of books, and am currently fortunate to be in a 3 bedroom house. One of those rooms is my library...... and it is only fiction. Not all of my books would fit in there.

  Some years back, I got into reviewing books. It is ideal. I get free books, and post reviews. And what book lover doesn't like getting free books?

 I am currently doing something I normally don't do: I am reading two books at the same time, both are books I am reviewing.... and both deal with gay related issues.

Holy Sexuality

   The first one is Holy Sexuality by Christopher Yuan. I enjoyed his first book, and had the privilege of hearing him speak a few years ago when he was in my area. He has a lot of great things to say in the book, but I'll share something that really stuck out to me.

   He related meeting a devastated mother whose gay son had moved in with his boyfriend. She wished aloud that he was normal like his brother, who had a girlfriend and a baby on the way. See anything wrong with that statement? Christopher pointed out that her other son was just as sexually broken as the gay one. The "normal" one was having sex out of marriage, and even had a girl pregnant out of wedlock. He had a lot more to say about that, but it struck me hard for a reason. I have often wished that I had been attracted to girls and thought it would have been better to have had sex with several girls instead of this crap I deal with. I have even looked at unmarried young guys who seem to be doing everything wrong, and thought to myself several times "at least they can get a girl pregnant...I am such a failure, I can't do that."

 But the only holy sexuality is faithfulness in marriage and chastity for the single person. Heterosexuality will not get us to heaven. (direct quote from the book).

A War of Loves

   The second book is A War of Loves by David Bennett. I started following him on Twitter and Facebook several months back, and became interested in his upcoming book. He had an application to be on the launch team for the book, and I got on it. He has an amazing story that is really impacting me and making me think, and also see things from different viewpoints. David was a very outspoken gay activist, and an atheist who hated God, Christianity, and the church. He has interesting perspectives since he was so immersed in that, and it wasn't easy for him to just walk away.

   There are some things I don't really agree with him on, but they aren't major things. For example, I am still leaning against Christians using the gay label, whereas he uses it often, usually with celibate.....which I am not so keen on using either.....more on that later.

   His conversion is nothing short of miraculous, and I was really convicted at how he came to a point of surrendering his gay identity and the intense desire for a boyfriend to God. I find myself wondering if I have ever truly had that surrender.

   His book isn't out until November 13, and I highly recommend it. It is one of those books I wish every Christian would read, as it might help them understand gay people and help them be more loving and encouraging.

 The conversations

Ben

  I started following Ben on Twitter, as I follow a lot of people on there I run onto who deal with same-sex attractions. He is one who though he follows the Biblical teaching on sexuality, uses the gay and queer label. He has been really enthusiastic about the Revoice Conference, which I have some issues with....mainly because they use the bisexual, gay, queer, transgender, etc labels so much.

  Anyway, I messaged him to get his thoughts on something, and we ended up messaging back and forth for several minutes on there. He had some helpful things to say, and pointed me towards a couple of Facebook groups for same-sex attracted people he thought might be helpful to me. I appreciated him taking the time.

Joshua

 I have been friends on Facebook with Joshua for several months now. He is also same-sex attracted, and a while back posted on Facebook that if anyone ever needed to talk that he was available and wouldn't judge. (by the way, I have 5 Facebook friends named Joshua. Of those 5, 3 are same-sex attracted guys.)

 I am not one to bother people, but have a lot bothering me and have been very depressed and discouraged. I did what I rarely do, and reached out to him. It took close to 2 weeks before we were able to talk, but we did yesterday. He was on a 3 1/2 trip home from a wedding, and we talked most of that 3 1/2 hours. He had a lot of encouraging things to say, related some personal stuff, and had me reading a few chapters of the Bible over the phone. He must have a lot memorized, as he could pinpoint verses, and would comment on some.

 He seriously helped me a lot, and is even going to send me a couple of books. He has something to do with a ministry for same-sex attracted/gay people. The guy in charge of it, who I am also friends with on Facebook, has written 2 books. One is to do with SSA, and the other is on something else Joshua thought would be helpful.

  I was impressed. How many Christians would spend over 3 hours trying to help and encourage someone they have never met? Most of us are too busy...often with things that won't matter in eternity, while there are discouraged people all around us.

 I wish I had support, but I don't. The only support I get is online from Facebook groups and friends on there who deal with SSA. And I wish more Christian in general would read books like I mentioned and learn more about what so many of them have no clue about.

Have we lost our evangelical Christian minds?

  Politics has always been messy and divisive, but it seems to be worse in recent years. Sadly, evangelical Christians have become pretty mean and nasty when it comes to politics.

  This is not an anti-Trump post, but he is one of the symptoms of what is going on, so I will be talking about him some. Just a heads up. :)

   Nowhere in the Bible does it tell us who to vote for and how to vote. I do believe we should vote pro-life, and never vote for anyone who supports the murder of innocent babies...so that pretty much guarantees anyone believing the same will not vote Democrat. It is sad and horrifying that the right to kill your own baby is a major platform of that party, and that no candidate would ever get voted in if they did not support that horrible practice. The things that party supports and what they fight should have any Bible believing Christian running as fast as they can from that party.

  So the Republican Party has become the party of choice for most evangelical Christians. Sadly, that party isn't very different these days from the Democrats. I firmly believe that most Republican politicians are not pro-life, pro-family, and are not for or against most of the things Christians are for or against. They know as long as they say they are, they will get votes. However, if you pay attention, they very rarely do anything to show they actually do have the stance on issues they tell their voters that they do.

 What happens when the Republican Party becomes as corrupt as the Democrats and openly support what we oppose and fight what we are for?

  The Bible does not say we must vote Republican, but it does say a lot about how we are to treat people. Politics has become so important to us, that we don't care how we make people feel, as long as we get our point across and feel we have won the argument.

   I stared at the computer screen in amazement, disgust, and hurt. The 2016 election was still a little ways off, and I had just read a Facebook post by someone I know of, but don't personally know nor am Facebook friends with. The reason it was visible to me, was because a long time friend of mine had "liked" it. This was a college friend, and he is the first person I had confided in about my same-sex attractions. I had done it by letter, sure I was condemned to hell for having these feelings. He helped me a lot in those early days after I had realized what was going on with me. And this same friend had just "liked" a post very insulting to anyone who was not for Trump. How insulting? Among other things, it said anyone not voting for Donald Trump was as bad as ISIS. No, I am not making that up. We who did not vote for DT were said to be as bad as a terrorist group.....and my "friend" clicked "like", showing he agreed with this over the top tirade. Maybe I should have messaged him about it instead of letting it bother me so much and cause feelings of irritation and hurt toward him.

  Much has been said to and about we conservatives who did not vote for DT and do not support him. I have a Christian Facebook friend who fairly regularly knocks people who did not vote for DT.... and even mocked us for being too "lily white" to vote for Trump.

  Donald Trump is a very polarizing figure. The liberals he supported and donated to for years despise him and fight him on everything. A lot of Christians and conservatives felt they could not vote for him and have varying degrees of disgust and dislike for him. I was actually friends for a while on Facebook with a man who had his Facebook account for the sole purpose of trashing Trump and his supporters. After so long, he bothered even me, so I un-friended him, along with a woman who was pretty much the same.

   On the flip side of that, are the Christian Trump supporters who are constantly praising and defending Trump, and trashing those who oppose him. I have mockingly called DT the Republican Messiah, and for good reason. There are Christians who spend a lot more time posting about Trump than they do about Jesus. No politician deserves the blind loyalty and nonstop praise that this man gets, no matter how good of a job they do.

   The same happened with Obama and his supporters, but I only had a few people praising and defending him. Nowadays, my Facebook page is full of praise for DT. If you cannot understand my frustration, imagine if you had several friends constantly praising and defending Obama or Hillary, and going after you any time you dared speak up against them.

  This divisiveness started before Trump, and even before Obama. I am not sure when it started to get as bad as it is now, but it was very noticeable when George W Bush was president. He was a decent man and president, not without his faults. One thing that really impresses me to this day is how he handled criticism. He had a lot of nasty things said to him and about him, and unlike the last two presidents, he took it like a man and didn't fight back....he just did his job. While he was president, several "Kill Bush" groups popped up on Facebook, and for some insane reason were allowed to exist.

   Coincidentally......or maybe not coincidentally.....something else happened while Bush was in office: the rise of social media. There was no Facebook or Twitter when Clinton was in office, or HW Bush...or any other presidents before them. Facebook, Twitter, and may other social networking sites came into existence during the Bush presidency. Is it any coincidence that the same time period is when we began noticing how divisive and mean we were becoming about politics?

   I am in no way condemning social media. I use it often. I obviously blog, as I am doing now....It got me into reviewing books, which means free books for me....score! I have gotten back in contact with friends and family I don't see often, and have made new friends. My best friend and I are friends because of social media. I am in Facebook groups with others who have the same struggles as I do, and have been helped and encouraged by many of them.... and at times managed to help and encourage others. Yeah, surprise.

   But then there is the dark side of social media. There are all kinds of dangers, and it can be a predator's playground. And it brings out the worst in people. We say things to people we would never say in person, and act in ways we would never do off screen.

 I fear that politics has replaced reason and decency among all of us....Democrats, Republicans, conservatives, Christians, sinners.....

We are to be like Jesus, but would He act the way we do on social media?

Would He trash people for not voting like Him....if He even actually voted?

Would He say the things about never Trump people that many Christians have said?

Would He say the things about Trump many people have said?

Would He say the things about Hillary, Obama, and other liberals we freely say?

  People love to condemn you if you say negative things about the politician they like.....yet they can turn around and say the same and worse about politicians they don't like.

 We have strayed so far from the Bible when it comes to politics, and sadly most of us don't realize it or care.

    Are we living the Christian life we should be if we are attacking those we disagree with politically? Whether it be Trump supporters, never Trump people, liberals, libertarians, independents, or whoever....the Bible does not say to be kind and love everyone, except those who disagree with you politically. No, the Bible commands us to love our enemies, do good to those who do us wrong, and to forgive 70 x 7. How many of us are doing that when it comes to politics? Too many of us...myself included.....are doing the opposite. We don't really care how our words will affect the other person. We don't care if we hurt them and cause them to stumble spiritually. All we care about is getting our point across and winning an argument.

   What if you knew that person you are harshly criticizing for not voting for Donald Trump is really discouraged and about to give up? Would you still say it? What if that friend was about to ask you about your relationship with Jesus, but then she saw what you said about the politician she likes......Hillary Clinton? What if by being so outspoken politically, we are destroying any chance of being an encouragement or help to someone spiritually some day?

    Personal example: Before the election, there was a lot of people trying to guilt, shame, scare, and using other tactics to get people to vote for Trump who felt they could not, or would not vote for him. Spiritual leaders had strong words for those people. There is a preacher from the same kind of very conservative church background as me that joined this effort. He did a post comparing Donald Trump to Sampson, trying to make the point that as bad as Sampson was, God still used him. He gave an impassioned plea for anyone not voting for DT to do so, and said if we didn't and voted third party, we were just throwing our vote away. This post was shared by several of my friends, and one even tagged me to make sure I saw it.

    If you really want to irritate me, tell me I threw my vote away or that by voting third party I was actually voting for Hillary. Neither of those statements are true, and I say anyone who says that is a liar. Including that preacher. Strong words, but come on....are those statements true Biblically?  It is sad we have gotten to  the point that we only see and consider 2 parties. I prayed and honestly felt I could not vote for DT, and voted for a 3rd party for the first time. It was not a wasted vote, I didn't throw it away, and it certainly was not a vote for Hillary.

   Several months passed, and it came time for my church to have revival services. And guess who the evangelist was. It was Bro "Trump is like Sampson and you are throwing your vote away if you vote 3rd party." Do you think I got any help out of those services? None at all. I would have liked to just stayed away, but my little sister and family were the singers, So I went every night I could go, and as this preacher preached I sat there with disgust that a man in his position would try to guilt people into voting how he wanted. Preachers shouldn't do stuff like that, say stuff like that.......

   But should any of us? If you support Trump and think he is the greatest thing since chocolate, would you want to hear someone preach or teach that was very outspoken against him and those who voted for him? If you don't support Trump, would you want to hear someone teach or preach that tried to guilt or scare you into voting for him and said things about you and others that were not nice or Christian?

 What is truly more important to us.....politics, or our relationship with God and others? Should we be more concerned with how someone votes, or how we make them feel? Should we be more concerned with American politics, or being prepared for the world we will go to when we leave this one?

   I am not saying we should not vote......though  I am so turned off on voting, I may never vote again...at least in a presidential election......but I have to wonder if Jesus would vote and be political if He was here doing His earthly ministry. I can't say for sure, but I don't believe He would. He stayed away from politics when He was here, and spent time healing and ministering to people. Israel was under Roman rule at that time, yet we have no record of Him saying much, if anything against Rome. He had a lot to say about and against religious leaders, but political.......not so much.

    And should we be any different? Can we encourage people, minister, and be a Christian witness while railing against politicians and those who support them? Can we love our enemies and practice the fruits of the Spirit while we exchanging harsh words with those who oppose our politician/candidate? Are we being like Jesus when we block or un-follow people on Facebook because of politics?

    No one has actually said the words, but the attitude seems to be that everything the Bible says about how we treat people and feel about them doesn't apply when it comes to politics. A harsh assessment? Maybe, but when you consider how Christians act and treat people in regards to politics, it doesn't seem to be a wrong assessment.

   We are all so concerned about the sins of abortion, homosexuality, transgender, and more. We rightly take a Biblical stance on those, but then we turn around and go against the Bible in the areas of how we treat people. What if by being so outspoken and harsh, we turn someone off on God and Christianity? What if we were the person who could have led someone to Jesus, but we forever hurt that chance by our political activism?

 What if someone is really discouraged and battle-worn, and we tip them over the edge by badgering them about politics?

  I'll be honest...I am so sick of politics - mostly because of things to do with the 2016 election - that I really have no interest in voting. Maybe that will change. Now imagine for a minute if I announced that on Facebook - that I, Mark Buzard may never vote in an election again in my life. Do you think the many Christians I am friends with on Facebook will leave that alone? No. I would get a lot of grief from all the wonderful people in this wonderful family of God I am part of.

   Social media is a wonderful tool. What if Christians used it to help and encourage others, instead of using it as a platform for their political views? How far back would someone have to go through our Facebook posts to find something Christian, instead of political? If our Facebook page is a continual barrage of our political views, something needs to change. We are never going to help anyone to Heaven by constantly praising or trashing politicians.

  Try to set aside American ideas and politics for a moment. Which is truly more important to us: how someone votes, or the spiritual condition of that person and how we will impact them by our words? It has been said that some people are so heavenly minded, that they are of no earthly good.......but what if we are so American minded that we are of no heavenly good?

 I get it. I care about our freedoms and rights. But what if we have place them in such a high place of importance, that we are not living as God wants us to?

  There are a lot of gay people turned off by the church and Christians who may never find their way to God because of the hate and perceived hate from Christians. Unfortunately, politics has made that such a divisive issue, that evangelical Christians have done and are doing harm to gay people. I don't have all of the answers. Gay marriage is wrong, and makes a mockery of God's intent for marriage.....but so is the rampant divorce and remarriage that is even happening all to often in the church. So is shacking up and careless dating. And I understand it.....if I was "out and proud", I would want to marry some day too....What if we are spending so much time fighting people, that we aren't doing what God wants is to do - love people, spread the Gospel, win people to Him?

 Or are we too focused on winning people to our political views and the guy or gal we want them to vote for?

  And yeah, I have bashed Trump a lot. Back before the 2016 election, I had a guy from my church texting me a lot trying to get me to vote for Trump. He said something that still sticks with me: he said the way I was talking about Trump my ruin my Christian witness. I wish I had asked him this in reply: "where were you the last 8 years when I was bashing and criticizing Obama? Why do you only care when it is a politician you are for?"

 That is where the rub comes in. If it is wrong for people to criticize and bash politicians we agree with, it is wrong to do so with politicians we disagree with. Believe me, I have toned it way down and don't say nearly as much as I think....but when I do dare criticize DT, someone jumps on me.....but then I see what Christians are posting about Democrats, and it is often not very nice and is worse than what I say about DT.....is either OK? Is either what we should be saying as Christians?

    Some day we will all stand before God. We will not be judged on how many people we won to our political views, or whether we always voted Republican. We will, however, be judged on how we treated people. And who knows.......God may bring up our Facebook posts and comments when that day comes, and we may be judged by those.

 And I am in no way saying we should never post or talk about politics, and care about it.......but if your Facebook page is more politics than Christian....there may be a problem.

Nobody knows

  I rarely blog these days, and there is a reason for that: my depression has been really bad the last few months. I don't know why. My doctor even doubled my depression meds back in May, but I have gotten worse, instead of better.

 This is a post I am still debating about doing. I normally post the links to my posts on Facebook and Twitter, and I think most of the people who read them see the link there and follow it. This is a post I really don't care if people read, and kind of worry what people will think if they do......so I am not posting links to it. If anyone comes across it and read it, so be it. It is what has been on my mind lately, and I need to get it out.

Nobody knows.....

How depressed I am, and the thoughts I get bombarded with multiple times a day

How lonely I am, and how alone I feel

That I feel like a total screw up and failure

That my jokes mask severe hurt and depression

That I loathe myself and all that I am

How difficult it is to deal with same-sex attractions, and how much I wish I had someone nearby who understood

That I feel out of place at church, and wish I could just stay home

That as lonely as I am, most of the time I don't want to be around people

There are days I can barely do my job

That I so badly wish I had someone to love and to love me, but I'll never be attracted to women

I still cry sometimes because I so badly want kids of my own, and that can never happen

I hate what I see in the mirror

I feel friendless

I worry constantly......about all kinds of things

I fear truly being all alone after my parents die, and wonder if I can handle life without them

That after all these years, I still struggle to believe anyone actually likes me

I don't feel like I belong anywhere

I have a lot of hurt and anger inside of me

I feel like my family are the only people who are actually part of my life

I'm so scared of getting old and being all alone

I fear my normal for the rest of my life will be loneliness, my constant SSA battle, and this crippling depression

Let them be little

I read a sad news story yesterday that was shared on Facebook. A 9 year old boy "came out" at school, and was bullied....so he killed himself.

   First off, no matter how you feel about gay people and coming out, this is sad the kid was bullied. It is wrong. I personally deal with same-sex attractions, but was never bullied for that, because no one knew when I was in school...I was bullied for other reasons. Nothing I say after this is to take away the fact that he was bullied, and should not have been.

 But there are a couple other sad things in this story:

1) What on earth is a 9 year old doing coming out? Nine is way too young to be thinking of sexuality. The sad thing is though that kids even younger than he are encouraged to experiment with their sexuality. The gay and transgender stuff is shoved on kids constantly via TV, school, and who knows from where else. I don't believe even teens should be coming out and experimenting sexually, but nine is definitely too young.


2) Where on earth did this kid get the idea to kill himself? I was bullied a lot in my teens, and it never, ever entered my mind to kill myself..... so why did it enter this 9 year old boy's mind, and why did he carry it out?

 There's a country song that was recorded a few years back titled "Let them be little". It talks about how fast kids grow up, so you should let them be kids and do kid things as long as they can:

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand
Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute
How it amazes me, you're changing with every blink
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh, just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch
I live for those kisses, prayers, and your wishes
Now that you're teaching me things only a child can see
Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh, just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul
You turn around
It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh, just let them be little
Let them be little

   Kids aren't allowed to be kids anymore. They are thrown into all sorts of after school things - sports, band, and other things. A lot of kids don't leave school, go home, and stay there the rest of  the day. If they leave school when it ends, they go to little league, football practice, band, and other activities. Throw in homework, and kids have hardly any time to have time of their own to do kid stuff.

  I attended a Christian school, which I am thankful for. My parents thankfully didn't send us to public school, where I would have stood out even more than a Christian school, or home schooling...thought it was not the fad back then that it is now.  I would have been even more shy and withdrawn than I was.

 We went straight home from school, and stayed there. We didn't have teachers that gave us homework all the time so we couldn't leave school at school. We were not in football, little league, band, etc.....We went home and played. We didn't have a TV after I was 11, so we played and I developed a love of books. We had chores, and didn't play 24/7....but we grew up doing kid things, and didn't have things thrown on us that took our time or made us grow up faster than we should have. I didn't know what sex was until I was in 7th grade, and got an education from other kids at school. I barely knew what gay was, and was past my teens before I realized what I had been experiencing since my teen years was attractions to other boys. I didn't know what gay was when I was 9. I didn't even know what sex was when I was 9.

   But today, kids know what sex is before they go to school. Kids as young as 5 are being exposed to gay sex, and encouraged to experiment sexually with members of the same sex.....and I am a firm believer this emphasis and constant outpouring of all things gay are causing kids to turn out gay who would not have been otherwise, because they are bombarded with all things gay and encouraged to experiment sexually with the same sex.

 My parents were accused by some of having us kids in a green house and trying to shelter us and make us "hot house plants" by a neighbor of ours once, and they likely had similar things said by others. And maybe we were sheltered. We really had no outer influences. We attended a Christian school, church, and hung out at home. We didn't have TV after I was eleven years of age, and I am thankful we didn't have all the influences kids in public schools get from school, TV, and other places.

 This may surprise and shock some people, but I had no clue I was attracted to other guys, gay, or whatever label you want to use - until I was the age of 21.....in Bible College. Sound crazy? Yeah, it is. But I was so sheltered and naive that I barely knew what gay was. Yes, I knew....but yet I didn't really. I had tried dating a couple of girls in college, and they went nowhere. Girls were like buddies to me, and I felt comfortable around them. Boys....not so much.

 I can still remember the day it hit me. I was doing a report on homosexuality for a class I was in. At one point, it hit me. That has been many years ago, but my reaction was pretty much "crap! That is what is wrong with me!" I think I even cried. I felt hopeless and condemned, for the Bible says people like me were going to hell. Thankfully, I eventually came to the point that I realized it is the act that is sinful, not the attractions and desires.

   As I looked back over the last several years up to that point, I could then see this had been going on since at least my teen years. That envy and admiration of boys and their bodies was not what "normal" boys experienced. I had been experiencing the feelings towards boys that I should have had towards girls. That was the reason when I saw a trashy romance book cover, I would find myself looking at the shirtless guy instead of the female with her dress half off her body.

 It was a horrifying realization. I was in a very conservative Bible college. I couldn't tell anyone. I'd be kicked out before I could blink. Family wouldn't understand....no one would understand.

 Twenty-eight years later, things have changed a lot. Kids might still get kicked out of that Bible college for being attracted to  the same sex, but it isn't quite so shocking even to conservative Christians when someone comes out as gay. I finally "outted" myself on this blog a few years ago, and it really hasn't changed much, other than being freeing and causing that part of my life to not have such a hold on me as when I had to hide in fear of someone finding out my dark secret that I worked so hard to hide for so many years. Granted, no one is lining up at my door wanting to hang out, but that never happened before my revelation. The same few people talk to me at church, and these days I am more of a pariah for opposing Donald Trump than I am for being attracted to other guys.

 But what if I didn't come out as a Christian dealing with same-sex attractions, but instead as a gay guy living as gay guys do? I am too old to be bullied by those in my life, but I am sure I would face some harsh words from Christians, and be ostracized by many. I honestly don't know. Would I get such harsh reactions that suicide would be an option for me? I honestly don't think so. I have faced urges and temptations to do that many times in my life due to this issue I deal with, and in more recent years at times of deep depression. I know suicide is not the answer, so even if as an adult I faced what this kid faced if I came out in the same way, I cannot see that being an option.

 On the flip side, what if I had realized in my teens what was going on, and had been brave or stupid enough to "come out"....or at Bible college? I have no doubts what kind of reactions I would have gotten, and only God knows what would have happened.

  There used to be an innocence in kids. Oh, they could be bad and mischievous, but thoughts of sex - even with the opposite sex - didn't come along until at least the teens. Kids around the age of 9 were too busy playing, fishing, and doing other "kid" things.

 But that has changed. Our country now murders the most innocent while they are still in the womb, and subjects innocent kids to the most vile crap in their attempts to normalize sin, and expose kids to their agenda as young as they can so kids grow up not opposing sin and things that used to be taboo and not normal.

    My nieces are all pretty much adults now, with the youngest being 18. My nephews are 16, 14, and 11. They are still pretty innocent in terms of sex, gay stuff, transgender, and other such things they'd be exposed to and forced to be OK with if they were in a public school and were subjected to the brainwashing of Hollywood.

 There was a day when it was taboo for a girl to get pregnant out of wedlock. It was normal to wait til you were married to have sex. Homosexuality was hidden and whispered about. Transgender wasn't even thought about. Now you are considered a freak if you aren't whoring out your body before you graduate from high school. Kids are born out of wedlock as often as in wedlock. Many women have multiple kids by multiple guys, and too many kids don't have their father's last name or presence in their lives. Divorce is all too common, and kid's lives are shattered as they are shuffled back and forth between two  (often) selfish people.

 Kids in Kindergarten are exposed to homosexuality and encouraged to experiment with others of the same sex. Kids know more about what men and women do sexually and what 2 guys do sexually than they do about the normal things kids used to do.

 Kids way too young to be thinking of such things are coming out as gay before they are old enough to even have sex. Others are trying to change their gender before their genitals have even sprouted pubic hairs, encouraged by parents that should be charged with child abuse and lose rights to having their children.

 America has kicked God to the curb, and keeps embracing more and more wicked and perverse behaviors. Sadly, I don't think the day is far off when pedophilia will be legalized. We are already sexualizing our kids way too young, and exposing them  to every vile and sinful behavior that is out there. Our kids are already in danger from liberal and pro-gay agendas.

 These days, if you want to protect your kids from all of this, the best solutions are to not have a TV, have your kids in a good Christian school - or home school if that is not an option, and be careful who your kids hang out with and keep track of where they are and what they are doing.

 And if there is access to the internet in any way, carefully monitor all uses, even if it means they have no privacy. Kids way too young are viewing pornography, and meeting adults of the opposite or same sex via the internet or phone apps. The devil is waging war against the family, and he wants children.....your children.

 It is tragic that this boy was bullied and that he took his own life. It is also tragic he was raised in an atmosphere that he had already been sexualized and most likely encouraged by his own parents. Being gay is not fun. It is tough to deal with, even today when it is so widely accepted. It isn't something a 9 year old should be dealing with, but something adults should be dealing with.....though it often is teens who are first dealing with it.

 I am thankful I didn't completely realize what I was dealing with until I was 21. I can't imagine if I had been exposed to it so early that I felt I was gay at such an early age.

 The answer isn't to make gay more accepted and normal. The answer is to let kids be kids instead of exposing them to so much crap that is only going to mess them up and endanger their health and their very lives. Yes, I am thankful it is now easier to come forward and admit you are gay/same sex attracted....but it is still sin...along with a lot of other things. It is sad that it is being winked at by so many churches and Christians, and gay people are patted on the back and told they can be Christians while having sex with the same sex......but it is also sad that teens are having sex before marriage, and that the church has become so used to and accepting of couples shacking up and not marrying.

 And all the while, the most vulnerable and innocent among us are being hurt by our immorality, the push to normalize sin, and the push for kids to experiment with everything liberals and gay people want kids to be brainwashed into accepting as normal.

 I am not a parent, and never will. I do have 6 nieces and nephews I love more than anything, and I am thankful they have been raised as I was, and for the most part won't face what kids in public schools will face.

 It is so tragically sad what happened to this young man, but it could all have been avoided if he had been raised in a different environment and encouraged to be a kid, instead of encouraged to be gay at the age of 9.