I read a lot of Christian fiction. Some people may consider that a waste of time, but I enjoy it and have gotten a lot of encouragement and help from a fictional novel over the years.
I just finished reading and reviewing the newest book this evening by Colleen Coble, a favorite author of mine. Reading her new book brought up memories of her last book, which I read and reviewed back in August, Beneath Copper Falls. Beneath Copper Falls is one such book that stirred me and left me with the desire to be better.
The book is suspense, as most of Coble's books are. The story revolves around Dana and Boone, and of course there is romance involved, but it progresses differently than most. The one side of Boone's face is severely scarred from a fire, and his fiancee had walked away from him as a result. He felt no woman could ever love him, and had given up on love and marriage......until Dana came along. She had to be the pursuer in the relationship.
Yes, it is fictional, but the message of the book is not. This paragraph stood out and still stands out to me:
"Scars and all, his face was so handsome, so beloved. Her experience had taught her of how the soul was the repository of beauty. Unlike the Phantom (of the opera) who was as ugly on the inside as he was on the outside, Boone's scars hid an astoundingly beautiful soul. She had spent too much of her life worrying about the face she presented to the world, and much too little time on the character she needed to be developing every day."
Why do we spend so much time worrying about what others see when they look at us? Women cake their faces with makeup to cover their natural face and beauty. Guys grow beards to hide behind. Many cover their bodies with tattoos and piercings. Others of us find ways to hide our true selves from the world, afraid no one might like us if they saw us as we see ourselves.
How does one have an "astoundingly beautiful soul?" Though Boone is a fictional character dreamed up by the incredible mind of Colleen Coble, the truth in her written words is not fictional. One can be not so pretty to look at, yet have an attractiveness that comes from within. Is it from God? Maybe, yet I know my share of Christians who I would not say has an astoundingly beautiful soul. Does one even have to be a Christian to have that?
Ever since I read Beneath Copper Falls, these thoughts occasionally go through my mind, brought on tonight by reading another of the author's books. I don't view myself as having a beautiful soul, much less "astoundingly beautiful". I carry too much anger and hurts from the last year that cloud everything and have scarred my soul.
Having the struggle that I have of same-sex attractions is not all bad. Yeah, it is a tough thing to deal with, but easier since I dragged it into the light and stopped worrying and caring what people think. Secrets have power, and when something isn't a secret anymore, it loses the power it had. But there are positives. I've talked before about not being the typical guy into sports, hunting, good at mechanical stuff, etc. Part of that reason IS because of my same-sex attractions.
There is no mold for guys like me. There are football players that are attracted to other guys. Some gay guys are lisping limp-wristed types, and some are ultra masculine who would never be suspected of being gay. The truth of the matter is many, if not all, carry traits one would normally associate with females. People joke about guys getting in touch with their feminine side, but that doesn't necessarily mean bad.
I feel because of my struggles, that I have some traits and characteristics most guys don't have, or at least don't lean towards as strongly as some in my position. I am much more vulnerable than your average guy. I tend to be very empathetic and sympathetic, and have a compassionate side I try not to show too much, as it has always made me feel weak. I cry.... a lot. I cry in movies. I cry when reading. I cry when I am happy, sad, or just emotional.
The sad thing is I have tried to squash these traits that I have viewed as weak........ but what if I embraced them and focused on using them more. Could that help make a beautiful soul?
Why do we try so hard to be what we are not, and work at hiding who and what we really are? What if God gives us the traits and characteristics for a reason? No, I am not saying God makes anyone gay, or that anyone is born gay. I do believe we can be born with a predisposition to it, which means we are possibly born with these traits some of us view as weak and undesirable.
If we all used for good what God has given us, and how He has made us, instead of fighting it and trying to cover up who we are and attempt at being who and what we are not....it is beyond imagination what we might accomplish.
In the book, Boone was a caring, compassionate, and selfless man. Though he had his own business that definitely took a man of strength, he was a softer man than normal where it mattered, brought on by his troubles.
And maybe that is part of the solution to having a beautiful soul.....to not let the outward events scar us on the inside and change us for the worst, but instead for the better. An astoundingly beautiful soul? It is possible for all of us.
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