I have debated about posting this possibly more than any other I have posted. Posting something like this can open me up for a lot of stuff I don't want to deal with.
I mentioned it before, but back during the election, a lady from my church said I shouldn't have an issue with Donald Trump, given my past. She doesn't know me well enough to make such statements, as she doesn't know what I have done or haven't done. If she has paid attention, she most likely knows and was referring to the fact that I am attracted to guys and not women. She is most likely not the only person to have those thoughts. There is a lot I could say in reply to what she said, and what others may be thinking.... but I am not. If I was running for a political office and people could see everything I have done and said, the religious right might go running from voting for me. But this is not a political post, so I am not going to get political. I am aware I could be judged, and am aware of what people may think....but I honestly don't care. There are few people on my list of who I care what they think of me. Most of them are related to me. Fear of what people may or may not think of me is not going to stop me from discussing this issue that is such a big part of my life.
Something happened today that made me decide to actually post this. A man I am not friends with on Facebook messaged me. I am always leery of accepting such messages, as they are often hate filled rants for comments I made politically or other, but I clicked on it. To respect his privacy, I won't give any details except he is a guy who struggles with same-sex attractions, feels very alone, and feels rejected by the church. He ran across my Gay Cross post, and was encouraged by it. We chatted some, and hopefully will do so more in the future. That is why I talk about this stuff. If what I write helps even one person struggling, it is worth whatever people think of me for posting it. That all said, here is the actual post:
June is Pride month, as in gay pride. I have been thinking about it all month, and it is difficult not to since we are reminded everywhere that it is going on.
I am going to make a statement, and follow it up with some other thoughts you may disagree with.... but stick with me:
I understand gay pride, and their need to celebrate it.
For years, gay people had to hide their sexuality. It was the norm to ridicule and ostracize someone who was attracted to the same sex. There was a day it could get you fired, and suffering in other ways. You could get beaten up and killed if people knew. You still can in some countries.
It isn't fun to hide it. I realized I was attracted to the same sex at the age of 21 while in a very conservative Bible college. (Looking back, I can see the signs way earlier, I was just a naive kid who barely knew what gay meant.) Had anyone known at that time, I would have been kicked out of that Bible college with no understanding or compassion. I became a master at hiding it, at dodging the questions about why I wasn't married or dating. I wore a mask that left people believing I had no desire to marry.
But inside, I was a terrified guy. I was scared to death of people finding out my deep, dark secret.....that I, Mark Buzard, had no attraction or interest in women. No, I was attracted to and interested in other guys. No one could ever find out. I sat in the church pew for years, afraid people in the church would find out and cause me to feel more alone than I already felt. I stopped going to the altar because preachers said you should pray aloud up there, and there was no way I was praying aloud about my struggles. I felt alone and without help in the very place I should have felt the opposite.
There were some very rough years. I wish I had had the resources and people available to me then that I have now. There were times I so badly wanted to end it all, but knew I'd drop straight into hell and leave my family devastated...... so I kept getting up every day and trying my best to deal with the cards I had been dealt. Thankfully, I have several Facebook friends who also deal with this issue, or have loved ones who do. Back then, I had no one. There were a few books on the subject....but very few. I can still remember the first time I bought one at my local Christian bookstore.....where they knew me well. I lied and said I had a gay relative. Later, after a "friend"/coworker outtted me to everyone there while I was working there, I reminded that same lady about it..... and she said she never thought anything of it. A side note...that same lady has a gay son my age who lives with his lover, and she never had anyone to talk to about it until my sexuality got broadcasted to everyone at the store. So good can come out of bad.
I find myself wondering if I had then what I have now if I would have done some of the things I did as I struggled and floundered with these feelings and struggles I had no clue how to deal with. I wonder if I could have believed God loved me sooner if I hadn't been so alone in my secrets, shame, and struggles.
But the past is the past, and it cannot be changed.
I eventually started confiding in a person here and there over the years. The more people I told, the easier it got to tell. I started talking about it on this blog, but in general terms that people would have to read between the lines to know what I was talking about..... and some people got it. One of my favorite cousins messaged me at one point and said she got it and gave me some very positive words I appreciated.
And then as I have mentioned before, I did a blog post on here where I just admitted it in blunt terms. And it made a tremendous difference in my life. Unless you have had a secret you were afraid people would find out, you will never understand the feelings when you drag the secret out into public and not care anymore.
One thing that has happened, is the shame is gone. I am not ashamed I am attracted to other guys. It isn't my fault. I didn't ask for it, nor can I change it. God helps in that area, but for most of us we will deal with it on some level for life. Does that mean I am glad I have these attractions? No. I am not, but it could be something worse. I am just not ashamed anymore. Sure, there may be people who shun me because of it.... I really don't know. I think more people shun be because I am anti-Trump than because of my same-sex attractions. I am kind of joking......People may be uncomfortable and wonder why I talk about it so much, but it is freeing and I just don't worry what people think anymore. Plus, it encouraged me to find others in the same boat as me, I hope to also encourage others......while helping Christians who have no clue to get a clue.
But all of these gay people celebrating gay pride month are experiencing those same feelings. Many of them hid their sexuality, afraid of people finding out. Some remember the days when it was dangerous to be gay. Some have been kicked out of their parents' house for being gay, but have found people to accept them for who they are. They, like me, are no longer ashamed.
Unlike them though, I am not proud. Not being ashamed and being proud are two very different things. The Bible condemns pride, and says it goes before destruction. It is sad that a month is celebrated by so many who are proud to be gay. Proud of behavior and sin that will one day send them to hell unless they repent.
Yes, I understand the gay pride, but I don't agree with it. I don't believe cities should have to host gay pride parades. I don't believe the stuff that goes on in those parades should be allowed to go on in public, but for some reason our country bows to anything gay and lets them get away with all sorts of things that should not be seen and done in public. And yeah...even I wonder what would happen if anyone tried to have straight pride parades.
Walls Down is a great ministry I follow on Facebook. Their mission statement is: "To tear down the walls that exist between the LGBT community and God's family and to equip the church to reach out and love them effectively through the power of the Gospel." I usually agree with what they post and do, but they posted an article on the 9th that I disagreed with. They defend pride month and gay pride parades. (Article here.) I don't want to do that, and I hope I have not. I have attempted to show why I understand and relate to it.....but I do not agree with or approve of it. As I said earlier, being unashamed and being proud are two very different things.
As this month rolls along with the constant gay pride parades and reminders of it across TV and social media, try this: pray for these people. Many of them think Christians hate them, with good reason. There are many who seem beyond the reach of God's grace. But no one is. Let me introduce you to David Bennett, former agnostic and gay rights activist.....now Christian and part of the ministry of Ravi Zacharias, and one of my new heroes. He has a book coming out in October that is on my wish list, A War of Loves. He is proof that God can reach the most militant of gay people.
And remember, pride is always a sin....not just gay pride, but all pride.
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