CPR, and bad memories

It is amazing how things in our past can affect us years later, and even hold is in a grip of fear. I am experiencing that. Tomorrow I have to do something at work that I don't want to do, and that I am dreading: I have to be trained for CPR.

 I'm not sure why. After all, I work in a hospital where I am surrounded by medical personnel, and am close to the Emergency Room. But the powers that be want everyone who does the job I do to have CPR training. No problem, right?

 Wrong. I am worried and dreading it. Why you ask? Well, it is kind of silly.

 Way back several years ago when I was in 8th or 9th grade, some EMTs came to the Christian school I attended to train everyone in junior high and high school in CPR. There we were, all in one room. I can't remember much about it, but I know when I stepped up to perform CPR on the dummy, a couple of kids started making fun of the way I was doing it. I can't remember what I did wrong, nor what they said. I do remember what happened next: I ran. I fled the room, ran down the hall, and hid in the boy's bathroom.

 You see, I was the kid everyone made fun of and bullied. I should have just stuck it out and tried harder, but I didn't.

 One of the EMTs was a woman, and I remember at least she coming into the bathroom to try to talk me into going back and trying. I know she wasn't alone, so there may have been 2 EMTs trying to talk me into it...... and I refused. There was nothing they could say that could talk me into walking back into that room in front of all of those kids, and trying again.

 And now, 30 + years later, I have to do that. I have to listen to the training again, and again perform CPR on a dummy in front of at least a few people. I'm not that 13 or 14 year old kid anymore, but I still have the same feelings of failure and poor self worth.

 I, Mark Buzard, am scared to take CPR at the age of 47. It sounds pathetic. And it is pathetic that a bad memory has me tied up in knots so much

 So if you're reading this, say a prayer for me tomorrow, March 22. Pray I can get this out of my mind, and successfully complete this CPR training. Maybe that will help me get past what happened so many years ago.