Late October musings of hope and despair

  I called off sick today. I hated to do so, for I need that $25 I will be missing on my paycheck. Just kidding, I don't make THAT much in a day.........  ;) ...... but the last time I went to work sick is the day I passed out at work and got admitted to the hospital for 3 days...... so why chance it.....Having unexpected free time has meant more time to think, and I have been doing a lot of thinking today...... and sleeping..... but also a lot of thinking.

  I can't believe that October is almost over. This time next week, we will be in November, and then we will blink and it will be Christmas. This month has flown by, and buying a house has added to the busyness of the month and made it go even faster.

  Here is what has been going through my mind today and other days lately:

1) Meeting authors

The highlight of my month was meeting authors Kimbery Woodhouse and Tracie Peterson last Monday on my trip to the Amish part of Ohio. The day was beautiful and made for wandering the streets of Sugarcreek and Berlin.

2) The weather

  The weather is getting colder, and I am so not ready for it. As I walked into work yesterday morning, I found myself wishing I had a pair of gloves. I did have the foresight to wear a hat, so my head wasn't cold at least.

 One of my favorite warm weather things to wear is sandals...... but those days are over for several months, and I am at the point I am wearing socks while indoors. I miss summer already.

 And have I mentioned lately how much I hate winter, and snow, and ice, and driving on winter roads.....and everything else about winter, except for Christmas?


3) Special services

 My church had scheduled revival services this week, and the evangelist had to cancel.... since I don't like to hear this man preach, I wasn't disappointed :)...... and then we got someone else to come who I never heard of, and we are starting an evening later......a mystery speaker who could be better, or worse..... more long-winded, or not long-winded at all........hopefully they will at least sing without an accordion, which was going to happen with the other guy and his wife.......

4) Cheap CDs

  Upon the recommendation of a sales clerk at the Salvation Army store in Boardman, I checked out a store Monday that I had never been in called The Exchange. They sell (mostly) used CDs, DVDs, video games, comic books, and a few other items. Most impressive to me was a large display of CDs that were buy one for $1 and get 5 free. It took me a long time to go through them all, but I found 18 that were of interest to me, so I got 18 CDs for $3, about 16 cents each, including two Christmas CDs to add to my Christmas collection of CDs.

5) Speaker

 There is a speaker/author I have long wanted to hear in person, Christopher Yuan. I am finally going to get to to that this Thursday evening as he is speaking close to me in Youngstown at a free event. I am definitely looking forward to it.

6) Prayer

  I used to think I had to say the right words and phrases when I pray, but I have slowly come to the realization that God doesn't care about the words and how we say them. He cares about our heart and attitude when we are praying.

7) Discouraging times

 I have been extremely discouraged and depressed lately, and a couple of things are playing into it:

The election  

 To me, it doesn't matter if Hillary or Trump wins.....though I remain convinced she will - our country is in trouble if either wins. How could either party come up with such lousy candidates so unqualified to lead this country? And how can so many Christians in both parties fall for their lies? If I wake up on the day after election, I will be as depressed and disgusted that Trump is president than if Hillary is. There is no good outcome to me.

  But yet our hope cannot be in our freedoms, a political party, a politician, our country, or even in the church and religion..... it has to be in God, and none of this is a surprise to Him. He will still be in control no matter which lousy corrupt candidate wins.

The house

 And can I admit my discouragement with buying this house? I didn't realize how much money this was going to cost. When I bought a house 15 years ago or so, the seller must have paid the seller costs, and there was no down-payment...... I didn't have that kind of money.

 This time around, the seller is not helping, and there is a down-payment. Closing is in 13 days, and I still need closing costs and down-payment...... well, I actually have enough for the down-payment, but need that money for things I need to buy.

 And then I had to pay an unexpected $500 earnest money, and then $350 for an appraisal that is happening this Friday.

 And the closing costs are looming over my head. I can't borrow it from a bank, they don't allow you to for that... and even if I found a way to borrow it, that would be another payment on top of the bills and house payment that I will be dealing with........to be honest, I am not sure I can do this.

 I have prayed and prayed, agonized over it.....every time someone asks me how the house is coming, it is like a dart to my heart as I am inwardly wondering if it is going to happen. Should I back out before the appraisal Friday and hope I at least can get THAT money back? The $500 earnest money is probably gone if I back out.

 And if there is water in the basement - which there was some when I looked at the house - the bank is most likely going to order a foundation inspection which could be anywhere from $100 to $350.....or more.

 I was turned over to a collection agency because one of my hospital bills didn't allow you to pay on it - it had to be paid in full, and I didn't know that..... so I had to put $407 on my credit card amidst all of this.

 Seriously....... I am wondering if it is not God's will for me to buy a house..... but I truly need to get my own place again. It has been too long.

 So do I bury my hopes and dreams, and try to recoup my losses before it is too late, or do I let the appraisal happen, and see what happens after that?

8) Church

 Ever since moving back to Ohio 8 years ago, I have more often than not felt like a stranger at my church. I still like my church, though there are things I'd like to change........ but I don't feel like I belong there as I used to feel before I moved away. Does that saying "you can't go home again" apply to a church also?

 I really like my pastor and Sunday School teacher, but all too often I feel closer to God outside of  the church, and not in the church. I'm as involved in the church as I am in quilting.... and I don't quilt.

  I am not sure I can even put it into words.....church is just always the same: opening prayer, 2 songs, offering, another song, sometimes some testimonies in between, more prayer, possible more testimonies, a special song, and the sermon...... then we go back Sunday night and do it all over again.

 Wednesday evenings are a mini version of the same, only different speakers and more prayer, and no special song.

 I don't even know what I want out of church, but I just want something different.... something more.

9) Christmas CDs

  Thanks to the good deal I got on CDs Monday, I have two CDs to add to my Christmas CD collection, which is larger than I thought...... and that is just the physical CDs, not counting ones I downloaded as MP3s for one reason or the other......MP3s are like e-books.......not a fan.

10) A poll ( No, not a political one....)

 Speaking of Christmas CDs, I am putting a poll up in the right hand corner of my blog. If you have an extra few seconds, do it....I'd like to see how others compare to my collection :)

11) Hope

  No matter what happens with this election - and my house buying attempt - I need to remember that my hope is in Christ, and He is always in control and loves me more than I'll ever comprehend while I go through this life. If we are serving Him, we are not living for this world. Heaven will be a perfect country with a perfect One in control. There will be no corrupt politicians, no immorality or defense of it, there will be no property taxes, house insurance, home loans, etc....we will own our home there free and clear, paid for by the blood of Jesus.

 And what a day that will be