Sitting at the table

  My young friend Anthony,  who shared his testimony in a recent blog post, posted this on Facebook two days ago: "The best moments of life happen when you are sitting across from someone at a coffee shop talking about life."

   I have 397 Facebook friends. I had more than that before I became vocal about Donald Trump.....guess they weren't that good of friends..... :) Seriously though, of those 397 people who haven't deleted me yet, how many of them are true friends that really know me? How many of them have I sat with, shared with, and let them see into my heart?

  In June of 2014 and 2015, I was privileged to be able to go to the Hope for Wholeness Conference in North Carolina. The conference is for those dealing with unwanted same-sex attractions. I found it very helpful and encouraging for many reasons, but Anthony's post brought to mind one specific thing that meant a lot to me.

   Too many Christians will never experience sitting across from someone at a table and sharing their innermost thoughts and struggles without fear of judgment or being ostracized. Many times during those two conferences, I sat with other men experiencing the same thing I deal with - unwanted attractions to the same sex. There were no barriers, no need to hide, and the conversations were free and unguarded. There is a depth of fellowship that is only reached and attained when Christian brothers and sisters can share without fear.

   I miss that. No, not necessarily the sharing of a mutual struggle - though I do miss that - but I miss that open and unguarded sharing and fellowship with other Christians. I have never experienced it on that level before, and have not experienced anything close to it since then.

 How often do we Christians sit with others of like-minded faith and "talk about life"? How often do we skip past the shallow surface chatter and get to the heart?'

   I like to joke and laugh. I like to make outrageous political statements. I am not sure what all people see when they look at me, but not many people see the real me. I do have a depth to me that isn't always visible, and a vulnerability that may or may not be a "perk" of the same-sex attractions I deal with.

   And maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe "normal" guys are afraid to be vulnerable, to share from the heart, and let people see them for what they are. The times we sit with other Christians and have that kind of fellowship and sharing should not be rare, but sadly it is.

  Maybe I am not the average Christian guy, but I long to sit at a table with other Christian guys and experience that kind of fellowship more often.

 The good news is we can have that with God any time.

 "The best moments of life happen when you are sitting across from someone at a coffee shop talking about life."

 Indeed.

Friends, for such a time as this

   I have been thinking about friends lately. Friends in my life who encourage and inspire me, friends that have parted ways for reasons even I don't really get, friends I have never met or may never meet....

   A conversation with one of those friends I have never met has been on my mind, and as I have thought about him and other friends throughout my life, a verse from one of my favorite Bible stories came to mind. In the book of Esther, Mordecai has come to Esther with the plot by Haman to kill off the Jews and Mordecai urges her to go to the king. Out of fear for her life, she is reluctant. In Esther 4:14, he replies:

" For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"

  For such a time as this. What if God brings people into our lives "for such a time as this"? Some  may be part of our lives for a short time, and fill a void or are a help and encouragement to us before moving on, others may be lifelong friends who never move on or move away,  and are there for us through thick and thin. And what if we are put in someone's life "for such a time as this?" That is kind of a heavy thought for me.... that I, Mark Buzard, could possibly be in someone's life to help them in some way. But it has happened. Yeah, I am just as shocked as you are.....

   The year was 2004. I was in a Christian Yahoo chat room and ran onto “John.” Twelve years is too long to remember the particulars, and it seems he has a better memory than I do and can remember more. We started chatting, and somehow the issue of same-sex attractions came up. I voiced that it was something I struggled with, and it turned out that  John was dealing with them himself, and not dealing very well. Being able to talk to another Christian guy who knew exactly what it was like seemed heaven-sent to him.

  John and I kept in contact for a while, chatting and discussing our mutual problem, and then I lost track of him...until Facebook. One day in 2010 I got a friend request from John, and we started building a closer friendship -  as close as two friends can be that live several states apart. We chat, text, talk on the phone, and I would say he is probably the best friend I have who I have never met. More than once, he has brought up how we met in a Christian chat room and how I somehow (my word) found the right words to say to this Christian brother who was hurting so badly and didn't know where to turn. I can't remember what I told him, but God had to have helped me to say the things I needed to say to help him.

   And the friendship is beneficial to me. He is a very positive person and inspires and encourages me on a daily basis. He has even revamped my resume' a couple of times for me. We were just talking recently, and a picture I had posted had brought that all back to him how we ended up chatting and he found hope through this very messed up guy. When we first chatted, I had a picture of the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse as my Yahoo profile picture for chatting. When I recently posted my vacation pictures from being there, he saw pictures of that same lighthouse and it all came back to him.

  God can use anyone and anything, and for John it was a very messed up Christian guy in a Christian chat room that just happened to be dealing with the same issue as he was. It is very possible – very likely – that God had me there for such a time as this to help and encourage a guy I had never met.

   Then there is my best friend, Steven. We first met 10 years ago and quickly became best friends. I had never had a best friend before, and it seemed God sent him along when I needed one the most. I think and hope the friendship has been as beneficial to him. Unfortunately, he lives 400 + miles away, so we don't get to see each other very often. (Why does it seem the friends who want to hang out the most with me live far away?!) I know for me, God sent Steven into my life for one of those “for such a time as these” times.... and possibly the same is true of me for him.

  We talk often, text a lot, argue, make fun of each other's taste in music and books - at least I make fun of his..... he has become someone I can tell anything to without fear of him turning tail and running. I do believe it was a friendship that didn't just happen, but was orchestrated by God.

   And there have been others through the years. Some friends who come and go and helped me through rough patches. Other friends who were close and now are not so close, but were there for me in ways that I'll never forget.

   As I sit and think about the people in my life: my fellow church members, my family, the people who I work with and have worked with.....only God knows how much He orchestrates the crossing of paths we have with different people. And that makes me wonder how many people I cross paths with who God may use me to help or encourage in some way. As my “chance” online meeting with John shows, God can use even me to help and encourage someone... someone He may have brought into my life for the sole purpose of me doing that.

  For me, that is a sobering thought. Yeah, I know I am the one who said it, but it is still a sobering thought. May God help me to be the kind of man and Christian that I should be so that I can be used by Him however and wherever He wants to use me.

   The people in my life: those I go to church with, my family, my friends – on and off of Facebook, the men and women I have met and befriended through the Hope for Wholeness ministry, the patients and visitors I see at the hospital where I work, the sales clerks and wait staff, and all others I cross paths with.......how many of them has God put in my path or life to either help and encourage me, or be helped and encouraged by me?

   Only Heaven may reveal who was put in our lives or whose lives we were put in for such a time a this.

Rich in friends

  I was the kid who always got picked last. I was the kid no one ever wanted on their team and got treated like I was the booby prize. I was the kid whose lunch got taken and I was forced to play take away. I was the kid everyone picked on when the teacher left the room, I was the kid that got made fun of in choir,  I was the kid who lived in fear and grew up thinking no one liked me.

  That and other things caused me to feel God didn't like me or love me either. That kind of thinking is difficult to overcome, and is something I struggle with to this very day; though nothing like I used to.

  The older I get, the more I realize that there are people who truly do like me and consider my friend. I am starting to not be so surprised by that fact, and to just be thankful and try to be a good friend to others.

 This recent  hospital stay has helped bring that home even more. As soon as I passed out and collapsed onto the floor of the Emergency department at the feet of two nurses, or at least close to their feet; it started. I knew the nurses taking care of me. It was obvious I wasn't just another patient, and though their care was professional....it was also personal and they had extra concern because they like me and care about me.

   After my parents arrived, there was a pretty steady parade of coworkers and Emergency department personnel who were working on me or just stopping in to say hi and see how I was doing... security guards, my bosses, nurses, the head of the emergency department, nursing supervisors....... and it made me feel good to have these people tell my parents how much they like me, how good I am at my job, and how much they like working with me.

  My best friend texting me for updates, other friends texting and messaging me, more coworkers stopping off in my room I had been moved to, family coming to visit, my pastor making two trips to visit, some good friends driving to see me, friends and family, and church family on Facebook expressing concerns and promises to pray, a Facebook friend and fellow church member who is a college professor messaging me to tell me she and her students in two classes yesterday prayed for me, a Facebook friend giving me a $25 Amazon gift card to buy some things to read, other friends giving me a $10 Amazon gift card, my nephews each bringing me a balloon and hand made get well cards, the lady at the front desk threatening to throw me out of my window when my sister told her all that was going on with me....... you'd have to know her :)

  I have actually been thinking on this friends thing before I wound up in the hospital. The last few weeks, I have had such a sense of thankfulness for the people in my life I count as friends on some level or another. Yes, this hospital visit has magnified that feeling and realization, but it was already there,

   There's my family of course. My parents who would do anything for us kids.... and have. My siblings and their spouses..... and we all get along and have fun. And then the kids that make me the proudest and happiest uncle on the whole earth. I love those 3 boys and 3 girls, and they make me feel loved and special.

  My best friend who I text and talk to through each week, my friend Bob in Maine..... who though I have never met, has been a great encouragement, friend, and inspiration for several years. My aunts, uncles, and cousins..... who though I live further from now than when I was a kid, feel closer now than I did when I lived near them,.... especially thanks to social media. There's my Indiana friends who I don't see near often enough and that I love and miss.

 And my church family. Some are closer than others, and some are very close friends. There's Reuben and KC, my "brothers" who always talk and joke with me and message me out of the blue every once in a while, my pastor and his wife..... the best I have ever had, Becky H, Denise, Brad, my Sunday School teacher and his wife, Denny and Cindy, Rodney, Connie, my adopted nieces Lydia and Leanne and their family, Brant and Merilee, the whole Sanders family, my Sunday School class members, and so many others who acknowledge me, say hi, laugh at my attempts at humor, pray for me, hit me on the shoulder or pat my back.... you all mean so much,

   The Dyes... who I miss so much since they moved away. Mrs Dye, does your husband know what a gem you are? I hope you know under all that teasing, that I admire you and your Christian walk and have utmost confidence in you. You have a Christian maturity found in only really old people........ just kidding :)

   My brothers and sisters in Hope for Wholeness and the Huddle. I am thankful you guys are part of my life. I have met many of you in person, ate with you, prayed with you, been encouraged by you...... you all are family and I am glad I have you to walk this road I travel.

  The people I work with directly and indirectly. My fellow security officers........ I love you guys and enjoy joking and chatting with you. The coffee shop ladies...... you serve great food, love on me, laugh or groan at my jokes, and make my day brighter. Thelma, the 77 year old lady at the front desk who has adopted me and threatens almost daily to slap me for my teasing remarks - or throw me out of my hospital window; Kay, another front desk lady who encourages and inspires me by her Christian walk and our talks about God, church, the Bible, and etc.

  I'm not that kid on the playground anymore. I know I have people who like and love me and care about me. This past week helped to emphasize that, though I have been seeing it long before that. I have had friends drop me - on Facebook and in real life - but I have people who have been my friend for years and know the worst about me...... and still keep me around.

  I actually started working on this blog post while I was still a the hospital, and had to stop because I got so emotional. The thought hit me as I thought about all of  these people in my life who care about me and make my life brighter.....if they care so much, how much more does God love me? How much better of a friend is He? As I lay there with tears running down my face, I hoped that the nurse wouldn't come in for any reason.

  I hope and pray I can be the kind of friend that I should be to others. To pray for them, encourage them, brighten their day, let them know that I care.

 I was discharged from my room at noon on Saturday. My co-worker and friend James had come up to my room and helped me carry my belongings down to the car. When I reached the main lobby, my parents were waiting and talking to Thelma, the lady at the front desk - yes, the same lady who threatened to throw me out of my hospital room window.... she unplugged her headset and came around the front of my desk. She gave me a hug, and said "I love you - take care of yourself, I don't want to lose you!" I hugged her back, and told her I loved her too.

 Then my big burly co-worker and friend Rich gave me a hug and told me to get better. My mom, James, and I walked outside to wait for my dad to pull up. After I put everything in, I turned to thank James and he gave me a hug. As we drove away, I opened a get well  card that had been instigated by Thelma... with $60 inside and signed by 2 of my fellow security guards, Thelma, her boss, and the coffee shop ladies. And I rode home with a heart full of thankfulness to God for His help through those 3 days, and for the people He has placed in my life. I am truly rich...... rich in friends.

 And if I missed somebody, I apologize and am thankful for you too :)

A friend of God

This past week I discovered that I had been "un-friended". A Facebook friend had gone to my profile and clicked to remove me from his list of friends. We had interacted a lot in a Facebook group, and I met him in person at a conference in May and ate at the same table as he did a few times. It made me feel badly. It was made worse by the fact that I had sent him the friend request. I never do that. I still have feelings of inferiority and struggle to believe people actually like me, so I try to avoid rejection as much as I can, and one way is to not send friend requests on Facebook. But I decided to brave it and send a couple. And now he has removed me. I think it was because we disagreed on Muslims. He is very pro-Muslim, and they scare the daylights out of me and I wish we'd close our borders to them.

A few months ago, I had a lady from my own church not just "un-friend" me, but she blocked me, my mom, and my sister. The reason: I post too much about a certain subject, one that is important to me and that I personally struggle with. She also said I am too "snarky", whatever that means - I am sarcastic, but I can't help it.....it runs in my family....... I felt bad about that too, and it was worse that she didn't even tell me that she was blocking me. I found out second hand, which means she was talking about me to at least one person, and I would assume more.

  I have been thinking about this "un-friending" business, and had some thoughts about it - and yes, I do take it too personally, but it is just one of many areas I need to work on:

1) If we remove everyone from our life who disagrees with us on social media or off, pretty soon our world will consist of just me. There are people on Facebook who seem to only comment on posts of mine that they disagree with. That is the only time I hear from them..... and I don't delete them.

2) If someone "un-friends" me, it is their loss. Seriously. I texted my best friend about this latest "un-friending" since he knows this guy too, and that was his reply. "It is his loss." I replied "not much of a loss", but I think my friend is right. I am not perfect. I post things not everyone likes or is interested in, but doesn't everyone? I would love to block sports related stuff from my Facebook feed - especially football - but I don't remove everyone who talks about something I hate with all of my being. I wouldn't have many people left, for one thing, and how shallow I would be to remove people for that reason.

  But I have people who have messaged me and thanked me for posting something that encouraged them. Some say so in public. And I am a unique person that some people do like. Maybe more people put up with me than like me, but that is OK. If they delete me as a friend, they are losing connection with my uniqueness and the possibility that I might post something to help or encourage them. Stranger things have happened

3) Losing a Facebook friend you mainly know through Facebook isn't a huge loss. It is rejection, which can hurt...especially if that is a weak area.... but a few weeks from now it won't make a difference and I'll most likely forget the guy exists after a while.

4) I need to focus on the friends off line and on line who are true friends. And I have made some true friends through Facebook or other social media. I met my best friend through social media through a great woman of God we both know. And there are others who are a constant source of encouragement and friendship.

5) I need to focus on being the kind of friend who isn't so easily offended to delete people who disagree with me or even criticize me. As Christians we shouldn't be so easily offended. Yes, people can say hurtful things, but to delete people for disagreeing with us is pretty lame.

6) God is still my friend and will never "un-friend" me.

  Which brings me to part 2 of my blog: I am a friend of God

1) God will never un-friend me.

2) If God had a Facebook account, He would send me a friend request and not wait for me to send Him one.

3) If I disagree with Him, He will still be my friend

4) If I say rude or hurtful things to Him, He will still be my friend,

5) If everyone in the world walked away from me and hated me, He would still love me and be my friend.

6) He sent His Son to die for me, and has been far more patient and long-suffering with me than I have ever deserved.

7) If I walk away from Him, He lets me go, but never stops calling me back.

8) Some day He will come back for me and take me to a place that is so wonderful that eyes have not seen or ears heard the wonders of that place, and I will live there forever. There will be no "un-friending", no rejection, no pain, no being left out, no inferiority complex, no blocking, no hurt feelings, no one being offended. It will be Heaven, and everything will be perfect.

9) No one's actions, opinions of me, or rejection of me has anything to do with what I am worth or how God views or loves me.

  So let whoever will block me, un-friend me, ignore me, say rude things to me or about me.... I am a friend of God. And He is the only friend who truly matters.


Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That You hear me when I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me?
How You love me
It's amazing

Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That You hear me when I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me?
How You love me
It's amazing

Chorus:
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend

Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That You hear me when I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me?
How You love me
It's amazing, so amazing, It's amazing 

Chorus:
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend

30 days of thankfulness, Day 9: Thankful for friends

 I am thankful for friends today, on my 9th day of the 30 days of being thankful. I have different levels of friends. I have Facebook friends, some of who I know little of. I have friends I see occasionally and know pretty well, I know friends I know very well, and then there is the best kind of friends: the ones who know the worst about me. They know the skeletons that are in my closet, and they still call me friend and want me around. Or they are really good actors.

  I have mentioned it before, but I truly grew up thinking no one liked me. It took years for me to realize that people do. I am sure some people don't like me. I tend to be too outspoken sometimes, knock Obama too much, or they just don't like my haircut or jokes. That is their prerogative. I choose to focus on those who do like me and are my friends.

 I am thankful for my best friend, Steven Matlock. I wish he were closer and not 400 plus miles away, but it is nice having a best friend. I didn't have one for most of my life.

I am thankful for relatives who are friends. Yes, your relatives can be your friends too.

I am thankful for my Facebook friends. I don't have much contact with some, but many post encouraging and funny posts. And I have made friends through Facebook that I have met.

And I am thankful for the friends I have made who have the same struggles as I do, many who are further up the road than I am and have become a great encouragement and help to me.

Friend me, and fear not

  

It is a sad statement to make, but I grew up convinced that no one liked me. It was bad. I thought people disliked me as soon as they saw me, and dreaded being in new places because I felt everyone was looking at me, and disliking me. Even places like department stores were places to be feared in my adolescent mind. It sounds crazy, but the bullying I received from other kids, coupled with what I now view as bullying from some preachers, really did a number on me.

  Going through Bible college helped some, but even there I felt inferior to everyone else, though I did come out of the thinking that everyone disliked me as soon as they saw me. I was well into my twenties before I realized there were people who really did like me.

  It is something that still is an issue for me. And as a guy who is more vulnerable and sensitive than I let on, I have taken things wrong, assumed things wrong, and thought there was no way some people would like me or want to be my friend, only to find out occasionally how wrong I was.

  One problem for me is Facebook. There were a few instances where I tried to add someone as a friend, and they never confirmed it, and sometimes someone from my own church, so I got to the place where I quit adding people. If someone sent me a friend request, I'd accept it, but never do I risk what I have viewed as rejection, by sending someone a friend request.

  There is a guy around my age who is really good friends with, and is dating a good friend of mine, and I have thought about adding him before, but that fear of rejection, and the ghosts of the fear of no one liking me would creep up, so I never did. Earlier this week, I got a friend request from him, which I accepted of course. He messaged me and thanked me for adding him, and I told him I had wanted to add him, but am shy about adding people. He replied that he is the same way, but decided to "bite the bullet" and add me.

  Ever since our becoming friends on Facebook and having that brief interchange, I have been thinking a lot about that. I doubt there are that many people as warped as I am with my fear of adding friends, but I am sure there are a lot who are a bit shy to add someone they may not know well. How many people am I missing out on adding to my circle of friends and acquaintances, because I fear rejection? Because I fear the person might not like me?

  And take it outside of on line social networking. How many friendships and meaningful conversations have I missed out on because of fear?

  There is a lady I am friends with on Facebook who has kids my age. Her husband's brother was my pastor for several years, so there is that connection, but I had never met her or her husband, other than through Facebook.

  A couple of months ago, she messaged me on Facebook and said they'd like for me to come for a visit... they live about 1 1/2 hours away. We eventually made plans, and I drove up this past Tuesday and visited with them and had a great meal, and great fellowship. It would never have happened if they had been like me and feared rejection. And if I hadn't changed as much as I have, I would have been fearful to accept. But they invited me, I went, and we had a great time... well, I know I did, and they seem to have had also.

  Again, how many friendships have I missed out on because of fear? I see new people at church, and feel I should talk to them, but my old feelings of inadequacy and inferiority rise up, and I back off. Occasionally, I'll tell someone it is nice to have them there, but a voice inside tells me how dumb I sounded, and there are better people in the church to welcome them than me.

  Fortunately, everyone is not like me. I have had some very nice people add me as friends on Facebook who I would have been afraid to add... authors, friends of friends, even relatives I don't know well.

  And it isn't just with people. I find myself wondering what fear has kept me from all of these years. I'm not much of a risk taker. There have been jobs I didn't apply for, because I feared I couldn't do them. Things I felt I should do, but feared what people would think. It is something I don't want to think about too much, for it depresses me to think about what I might have missed out on due to fear.

  And yet, I can't just ignore it and sweep it under the rug, for I feel convicted and feel the need to change. No one should be so ruled by fears that it cripples their very life and emotions, especially a Christian. What good am I to God if my fears are bigger to me than He is? And am I trusting God if I am so bound by fear that it interferes with what He may want me to do?

  It can be daunting to look at an area you need to change, especially one that has you bound as much as fear has me bound... and it can very difficult to change, but I can see the need to change, so I will do it in small steps.... taking the initiative to add someone as a friend on Facebook, speaking to someone I don't know at church, inviting someone out to lunch, drinking the milk when it is past the expiration date, jumping off a cliff into water....... OK, just kidding on that one. I can't swim.

 The Bible has "fear not" 170 times, so it is obviously something God doesn't want us to do. I won't be doing anything daring any time soon, but hopefully with his help, I can overcome being so bound by my fears.

Poinsettias for my friends

My church started a neat tradition several years back. To help decorate the church, anyone can buy potted poinsettias for a friend or family member. They can be done in honor of, or in memory of. The front of the church is filled with the flowers and an insert is put in the church bulletin saying who bought them for and why. I don't have the money to buy poinsettias for all of my friends, but decided to give some "virtual" poinsettias here. Some of the people will never see this blog post, but that is OK.

Church is more than a building. It is people, therefore no church is perfect, including mine. There are things I would like to change about mine, but there have been things I would have liked to change about any church I have attended, but people make up a church, not services or how we do things. I attend church with some great people. Some I know well, and others not so much. Some I interact with regularly, and some I do not. So here are your virtual poinsettias. And I appreciate others also, but these are the ones who stand out to me, in church, and out of church. And my family is a given, so not listing them here :-)

1) Stan & Sandra: You are the best pastors I have ever had. It takes a lot to run a church our size without a bunch of assistants, but you do it, and do it well. You are more than my pastors, you are great friends. I will never forget the time, effort, and prayers you have put forth on my behalf. We are blessed to have you.

2) Steve Goodenow: You are a great Sunday School teacher. I am amazed at how easy it is for you to pull a topic together and teach a great lesson on it. I appreciate your life and your friendship, and your family. Our church and school are lucky to have you guys. Thanks for your prayers and friendship.

3) Denise: In spite of the fact that you are very outspoken with your opinion of my choice of a haircut, I appreciate you a lot. I enjoy our occasional sparring. Thanks for your Christian example and for all you do for our church and school.

4) Jim and Lydia: Your musical talents add so much to our services. I wish I could play as well as you, and will never forget the times you complimented me on my own playing. It meant a lot coming from someone's playing I hold in such regard. I have to admit, I almost enjoy it when you make a mistake, Jim.... makes you seem more human ;-)

5) Burton & Becky: I was so happy when your family began attending our church. Your family has added so much to our church over the years. I appreciate you both, and your friendship. Your family has been through a lot, but you still shine through it all and are a tremendous encouragement and example to us all.

6) Brad: Thanks for always taking time to say hi to me. I admire you a lot and wish I was more like you. You're a great guy and are raising a great family. Thanks for your service to our country.

7) Victor and Ruth: You are another family that has added so much to our church in the years you have attended since you left the mission field. Thanks Ruth for always giving a cheery greeting, and Victor, you are doing a great job as Sunday School superintendent. You both are great examples to everyone in the church.

8) The Dyes: I am sorry for the circumstances that led to your retirement as pastors, but am glad you picked Salem to move to. I appreciate and love you guys, and Mrs. Dye as much as I tease you, I appreciate you a lot. Thanks for being such a great sport and giving back as good as you take it. May God bless you for the blessing you are to others.

9) Brant: You are by far the best song leader I have ever been around. I can tell you put a lot of time and prayer into what songs you pick. I appreciate your life and your family. Keep up the great work, and don't go away so much. We miss you when you aren't there.

10) Lori: I appreciate your life and the example  you give to the kids you teach. I appreciate your comments in Sunday School class and wish I were half as good at expressing my thoughts as well as you do. I am very happy for you on your upcoming marriage. Nate is a lucky guy, and you deserve happiness. Thanks for your friendship.

11) Rodney: Thanks for being my seat buddy in Sunday School class and for making me laugh.

12) Ken & Carol: I appreciate your friendship over the years. You are the kind of friends who would do anything to help others. Our church is blessed indeed to have you guys as part of our congregation. You both are great examples to us all. And I love to hear you guys sing.

13) Arnie & Pam: You are great folks and I appreciate you both. Pam, you are a shining example through your physical problems.

14) Paul & Sue: Paul, we are complete opposites. You are good at whatever you do, and I'm not. You are an avid hunter, and it bores me, but I admire you a lot and wish I was more like you. I know just a bit of how much you talk to people about God, and if we were all like you, our church would be a much better place. You guys are doing a first rate job of raising your kids. Thanks for your friendship and example.

15) Mike & Brenda: Thanks for your friendship. You are both great people, and Brenda you are one of the friendliest and most cheerful people I know. I'm glad you guys moved back here, I missed having you at our church.

16) Barb & David: You two do a lot behind the scenes at church, but it doesn't go unnoticed. Before I even knew who you two were,  I was impressed with how friendly you guys are. I appreciate you guys and the lives you lead.

17) Stephen and Jenny: Jenny,  I've literally watched you grow up from birth to a great young woman. You have turned out great, and you two make a wonderful couple. Stephen, you are one of my favorite singers and I still wish they would have you solo more than you do, though you and Jenny sound great together also. I wish I could sing like you. I appreciate you both, and may God bless your lives and your family. And Jenny, that was a very nice thing you did giving out cards to some of the girls in church. I read my nieces' cards and thought it was awesome of you. You are a lot like your mother.

Facebook:
There are way too many friends on facebook to mention, but a few out who I have never met:

1) Avis: I enjoy your posts. You always have something encouraging and inspiring to say. I also love to read the funny things your grandsons say.

2) Joyce H: Ditto to everything above except the grandkids. Thanks for adding me as a friend :-)

3) Ronie: You truly are one of my favorite authors and I feel blessed to have you as a facebook friend. I love your books and its cool to be able to keep up with a favorite author in this way. I have learned a lot about the military and military war dogs from your books and posts. May God bless you for using your awesome talents for Him. And thanks to Brian for his service to our country.

4) Candace: I love your facebook posts, especially the ones about food. Wish I lived close enough to try out some of it in person ;-). You are another tremendous author. Thanks for writing for God.

5) Kathy: I have been hooked on your books since I read the first one, Tested By Fire. You have only gotten better since then. You are a great author and lady. I enjoy your facebook posts and pictures you post. Thanks for letting this guy be part of your facebook friend family. And thanks for writing Christian fiction and using your talents for God. May He richly bless you and your writing.

6) Mike: It didn't take you long to become a favorite author. God is using you through your writing and your own story of being a cancer survivor. You are an encouragement and inspiration. I hope you can find a way to keep writing and balance everything else in your life. I pray God's richest blessings on you and your family.

7) Kimberly and Kayla: You two have only written two books so far, but they are outstanding. Knowing a little about what your family has gone through with Kayla, I admire you a lot. Kayla, you seem like a terrific young lady. Keep serving God and keep writing with your mother. And thanks for letting readers like me be a small part of your lives through facebook.

8) John Myers: I've never met you, but enjoy interacting with you on facebook. I appreciate what I know of you. Thanks for adding me as a friend.

Other friends:
1) Joy: I wish we had known each other when you were at AWC. You're an awesome person and have taught me a lot whether or not you know it. Thanks for your friendship.

2) Rachel: So glad to hook up with an old college buddy after all these years. You have been and are a great encouragement to me, and I have learned a lot from you. Thanks for being my friend and for being so willing to discuss all sorts of things with me, even things we disagree on.

3) Jennifer: I'm so glad we met up at Cracker Barrel a couple of years ago and have renewed our friendship. I think you are an awesome lady and wish some of your awesomeness would rub off on me. I've enjoyed our visits and chats. Wish we could do it more often. God has used you in my life. Thanks for your example and encouragement.

4) Matt & Christina: I haven't known you guys well for very long, but have enjoyed getting to know you. Matt, I have really enjoyed and appreciated being able to talk to you about "stuff." It has been a big help to me. You two have also helped me to see some things differently and to be less judgmental about some issues I used to view as black and white. Thanks for your friendship. You are a great couple, and I'm glad you got your little one. You'll make great parents, don't worry.

5) Steven: Thanks for being my best friend. In a perfect world, we wouldn't live 400 miles apart and would see each other more often. Thanks for always being there. Even though I tease you a lot about stuff we don't agree on, you know I think you're the best.

6) Cindy and Russell: I feel blessed to have gotten to know you so well, Cindy. I enjoyed hanging out with you in Indiana and beating you all the time in Rook. You deserved a great guy, and I kept telling you that God would send you the right guy. If you hadn't married Russell, that might have happened....... ;-). Just kidding. You guys make a great couple and I'm happy you found each other. Thanks for your friendship.

7) The Matlocks: Thanks for accepting me and befriending me while I lived in Indiana. You are a great family and I count myself blessed for knowing you. Its always good to see you all when I visit and I miss you all.

8) Kimmy and Kevin: I will never forget how much you guys were there for me when I needed it most. Thanks for your friendship. I miss working with you Kimmy.

9) Sandie: Looking back, I am awed that you entrusted me with Jason while I was his big brother. Thanks for your friendship and the privilege of that experience. It was supposed to help Jason, but it helped me too.

10) Shawn and Christa: I appreciate you guys, thanks for your friendship.


Thanks to all who know the worst about me and still consider me their friend and someone worthwhile. Your prayers and encouraging words are much appreciated.

I have probably missed some people, and just because your name isn't listed here doesn't mean I don't appreciate or like you, but these are some who come to mind first and have been special to me in some way or another. Merry Christmas everyone.

Friends

    I grew up thinking no one liked me. The kids at school picked on me and bullied me. I went to church with a lot of the same kids that I went to school with, so I never had any friends there. Some years were worse in school than other years. By the time I graduated from high school, I was convinced that no one liked me. I would literally walk in stores and feel like people disliked me on sight.

   I wish I could say it went away soon after that.....but it didn't. I struggled with that on some level for most of my adult life. I don't know when it started lessening, and it still hangs on sometimes. I still am surprised when I find out someone actually likes me and wants to be my friend. I was talking to a friend last week I hadn't seen for a while and was talking about some friends in my life and had made the statement a few times "not sure why they like me" and she called me on it and said "why do you say that?" Thinking about that conversation, I have to admit, I still carry those ideas from my teen years that I am not likable. Wow. How does one entirely get rid of those ideas, without going to the extreme that you think you're God's gift to the world?

    Another friend of mine recently had a similar conversation with me. I was putting myself down for some reason or reasons, and he said "I doubt anyone else sees you that way. You are a pretty cool guy, and I am sure I'm not the only one that thinks that." Wow. Me cool?

    God is helping me some in that area. It helps that I have some great people in my life. I have had old college friends come back into my life, and made some new friends. Some of these friends go to my church, others have different beliefs than I am accustomed to, while others don't go to church at all. Some of them know the worst about me, and let me talk about my struggles, something that I am sure isn't always comfortable for me. Some of them I haven't seen in years, some I have never met physically. Yet, they care. They like and love me. Yeah, me. The kid everyone picked on. The kid no one wanted on their team.....

    The thing is, what do I have to offer? It doesn't seem like much. I can pray when I know there is a need. I can listen, and I am trying to do that more. I can love and not judge. I want to be a better friend, and I can always use more. I hope and pray God helps me to be a friend to someone who doesn't have any.

    So, thanks to all of my friends. You have encouraged me, many have prayed, and you all have made my life richer and better.