Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Friday, October 14, 2016

I don't want to be normal

  I have been working on this post for a few days. It is similar to my blog post I recently posted " Thankful for who I am", but is different enough that I decided to finish it and post it.

   Several years ago, Christian author and speaker Patsy Clairmont wrote a book titled "Normal Is Just a Setting On Your Dryer." I never read the book, but the title always amused me. After all, just what is normal?

    I've been dealing with this "used to be secret" same-sex attractions for years. I prayed and prayed for God to make me "normal", and  I would look around at the guys all around me who I considered normal. It never happened, and I finally accepted this as my cross to bear. Along the way at some point, I realized that even the guys I viewed as normal have struggles. Millions of guys who have never experienced being attracted to another guy have their own struggles and weaknesses.

 I'm not normal, and I am OK with that. I'm not a normal man, and I am also OK with that.

I hate sports - really hate them.

I love to read....and shop.

I like to decorate - just my own place.

I have stuffed animals........for decor. Except a teddy bear - everyone needs one of them (who said it isn't normal for adult men to have a teddy bear anyway?)...a stuffed Toad from the Mario games (gift from my nieces), stuffed Angry Birds (gifts from my nieces and nephews.....)

I cry in movies. I cry in books. I cry during some songs. I cry when I think of this election.....

I'm grossed out by a woman's breasts, but struggle not to look at a scantily clad man.

I can sew a button on, but can't do much more than change a tire and check fluids on a car.....or change brake pads if I really have to.

I play the piano, not something a lot of "normal" guys do.

I'm more vulnerable than "normal" guys, or more than they will admit.

I think superhero movies are cool (Captain America rocks!)

   I am definitely not what people would label a "normal" guy.... but you know what? I wouldn't change that. Sure, there are things I'd like to change some things about me..... I'd like a full head of hair, I'd like to have more talents and skills, I'd rather be thinner.....

   But the other stuff? I am OK with that, even if it makes me abnormal. Being a more sensitive guy is alright with me. Reading seems like such a better use of time than watching a bunch of overpaid guys playing a sport. Even the same-sex attraction thing...... it makes me depend more on God than I would otherwise..... and the idea of marriage sounds like a trap to me...... having to be around someone that much..... ugh. Maybe my cross is a blessing......... :)

  None of us are normal. We tend to fear and avoid those who are different than us. We consider ourselves to be the normal ones, when others may be looking at us and thinking we are weird and abnormal. Many of us lock away parts of us from the world that may not seem normal to them..... but what if what we consider odd are our strengths?

  I have spent so much of my life hating the guy in the mirror, being afraid of what people thought of me, and I am finally coming to realize I am not that bad of a guy. Sure, I can be weird. Sure, I tell jokes a lot of people think are stupid, but that is me.

  There may be a danger of working so hard at being "normal" that we lose ourselves and become someone else, something else.

 Maybe instead of considering ourselves weird or abnormal, we should consider ourselves unique, and embrace that uniqueness.

  I look at where I used to be not that many years ago, and am amazed. I am not longer insecure, shy, thinking no one likes me. I no longer worry about people finding out my struggle. I no longer feel like I have to be like other guys and like the same things they like and be good at the same things they are good at.

 And I no longer worry about being normal. Normal sounds boring, ordinary, like everyone else. Believe me, I am not like everyone else. I am not normal...... and it feels great.

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