I have always found it way too easy to put myself down. No matter what area of my life it is, I wish I was better in it and feel I am not any good because it isn't something I excel at.
I had the house to myself for a while this evening, so I went up and sat down at the piano. I didn't start taking piano lessons until I was 17 years old. Maybe it was just because the other kids picked on me already, but I got made fun of a lot by my fellow students at school. A boy taking piano lessons? That was just more fodder for them to pick on me. Now all of these years later, I am so glad that I didn't let them cause me to stop. I took lessons for two years, then stopped when I went to Bible college. I took another year or so later, and at times have wished I had taken more lessons......but I have gotten better without lessons.
Playing in church makes me nervous, so I try to avoid that. I mostly play for my own amusement, or sometimes when the family is together playing music.
As I sat at the piano tonight, I played whatever came to my mind. I can read notes, but not as well as I'd like. However, I do play by ear very well. It was kind of a weird combination of styles and genre's that I played:
Amazing Grace
You Raise Me Up
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
It Is Well
Top of the World
I Will Always Love You
No Other Word for Grace
Redeeming Love
and more
I'd go from playing a Southern Gospel song to a country song, from a Christmas song to a hymn, playing whatever song came to mind....... or trying to play. Just because one can play music by ear does not mean they can play every song they know. Hearing my mother coming home, I ended my playing......since I was playing some Christmas songs, she would not be appreciative of hearing them this early......
I came downstairs and finished reading Tim Tebow's book, Shaken. The subtitle is "Discovering your true identity in the midst of life's storms." Even though I hate football, I admire this guy and it was a great book - not as much about football as finding your identity in Christ and being all you can be for Him, and not trying to be like someone else.
As I closed the book, my piano playing came to mind. Sure, I wish I could play better than I do, but I play well enough that people have told me they enjoy my playing. I enjoy playing for my own amusement, and though I am not so great at playing music out of a book, unless I am familiar with the song, there are many pianists who play a lot better than I do who can't play without music in front of them. If I had to pick between those two, I'd pick playing bye ear. There is just something about sitting there with no music in front of you and playing pretty much whatever comes to mind.
I thought on that for a while, and thought about what I have been reading in Tim Tebow's book. I can't flip a switch and change my thinking overnight, but I realized that I can't constantly be putting myself down, wishing that I was better at this or that, or that I had a certain skill, etc. If I constantly wish I was different, better, and like someone else, then I will never truly be who I am...... if that makes sense. (It did in my mind.....)
So even though Thanksgiving is still a ways off, I am thankful for who I am. The things that comprise Mark Buzard and make me tick. God didn't goof up when He made me, and it is time I accept and like the me that I am.
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