Marriage is not an option for me. There are many people who get to the point that they can marry and make it work. I don't think I am one of those. No, it isn't a lack of faith in God. I just know me very well. Also, I am a loner. I can't imagine being around a person that much. I still wish I could be a dad, and you can drop the kids off at a babysitter's.....you can't do that with a wife. Plus, there is that pretty big issue of my still not being attracted to females.
Temptation is rarely an issue for me anymore in this area. Sure, attractive guys are always coming into the hospital where I work, and I at times have a hard time not taking a second or more looks....but I have come to accept this cross I carry. I'm not worried about my future as a single Christian guy with SSA. That is just part of me, and it is not who I am. I am God's child, a miracle of His grace and mercy.
I truly am OK with being single. Sure, I wish I had someone to go shopping with occasionally, eat out with, watch a movie with, take a walk with......but it isn't the end of the world to not have that.
It has helped that I have accepted myself more, and like myself better than I used to. It is OK that I am not into sports, hunting, and other typical guy things. It is OK that I love to shop, read, play the piano, and do other things not considered manly by many. Just imagine if I were married......what woman doesn't want a guy who actually likes to shop? :)
In a post I did of things I am thankful for, I listed my same-sex attractions. I do mean that. It has caused me to depend more on God, it has made me more compassionate......I hate to admit it, but even in the most masculine of we who have SSA, there are a few more feminine characteristics. Unfortunately, one of those is that we often tend to be more vulnerable and more easily hurt than the average guy. Also, we tend to be more immature like we are stuck back in childhood.... something that isn't quite so much for me anymore. It may also explain why I cry so easily while reading, watching movies, listening to music, eating my mom's fried chicken......(just kidding about the chicken, but it is really good......)
I have met some amazing people because of my SSA.....others who are where I am at, some who were so far out in the gay lifestyle that no one would dream they'd come to God... but they did. I have heard testimonies that encouraged and amazed me.
This being more open about my SSA is something I plan to keep doing. It helps me by dragging my secret out in the open where it no longer has a hold on me. It also encourages others in the same boat as I am in. I have many Facebook friends who are dealing with same-sex attractions on some level, and there are a few who regularly tell me what an encouragement I am to them. I don't say that to brag, but just to point out that my talking about this does encourage others. I am thankful for those who blazed this trail ahead of me and showed me that there was hope and that I was not alone...... how can I do any differently?
This isn't going to turn into a blog all about this topic, but I will post more about it than I used to. I am also planning on having some of my friends share their testimonies on here in the coming weeks and months. If you keep up with my blog, I hope you'll read them. We who are dealing personally with this very difficult issue need you. We need our Christian brothers' and sisters' love, compassion, and acceptance.
So keep watching this blog for some stories people need to hear. Stories of God's grace working in lives of people dealing with this issue the church so needs help on.
This set of posts really encouraged me in a struggle that I have, so thank you for sharing! You are very courageous. I know God is so proud of you and that He sings over you, and some day he will say, "Well done." God bless you.
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