Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Monday, November 7, 2016

Thoughts on a day off in November.....life is good

 Many people dread Mondays..... but I don't. I have Sundays and Mondays off, and I love Mondays. Tuesdays are a different matter, they are to me what Mondays are to different people.

  My day off:

  I slept in til 8:42. Don't judge me.... I went to bed at 1:30. I got around and went to Salem, and hit the Goodwill Store there where I bought a small radio/alarm clock that will play an iPod. I have one already for my bedroom, but I wanted something to play music in the library that I plan on having when I move.

   From there, I went to Walmart and got a few things I needed, than was off to KFC to meet a friend for lunch. She is a conservative and is reluctantly voting for Trump, but we had a very civil conversation on that as we caught up on politics and a lot of other things.

 On my way home, I made an unscheduled stop at the covered bridge near me. It is close to one of the entrances to the biking/walking trail that I walk on often, so I took a walk while I was there. I always walk with my iPod, but had not brought it with me, so I walked in silence, enjoying the sounds of nature around me as I walked quietly through the woods. I stopped at the bridge again, and prayed for a short while on the bridge with the sounds of the water rippling under my feet.

The house

  The last few days have been stressful and frustrating. I found out on Friday that some general repairs need done on my house, and I have no idea yet what needs done before closing, which has been moved to Thursday, and may not happen even then. I'd like to get my realtor and loan officer together and bang their heads together......maybe they'd get on the ball and figure it out then. It is frustrating having everything up in the air.

The election

 And then the election...... I am still disgusted and frustrated at my party for nominating a man like Donald Trump, and am beyond frustrated at the Christians defending and excusing his behavior and politics.....plus their attempts to scare or shame me into voting for him. You would think other Christians wouldn't attempt to get you to go against your conscience and what you feel God wants....... but when it comes to Hillary Clinton, they'd be OK with you selling your soul if it meant stopping her. All the anti-Christ will need to do to be accepted by Christians, is run against Hillary Clinton.......

 I have not been posting much about Trump, not because I believe as Trump supporters believe, that I have no right to speak up if I am not for him, but because I weary of the backlash..... however, today I posted a few things to make people think. And just between you and I...... I turned off notifications and only read a few. No, I am not chicken, I just refuse to be dragged into debating and arguing.

Last night......

  I wasn't feeling too great last night, a headache and what felt like bad indigestion. Plus, I was frustrated and feeling down about house and election stuff.  My church has Sunday evening services, and I opted out last night and stayed home. After relaxing for a while, I went upstairs and sat down at the piano. I am not a great note reader, and have been blessed with the ability to play by ear. I sat there and played songs as they came to mind for at least an hour. Songs like I Surrender All, There's Something About That Name, Thou Art Worthy, Worthy The Lamb, and many others. At some point, I realized I was quietly worshiping God there in the living room, just me, Him, and the piano.

 That stayed with me the rest of the night. As I prayed before I went to bed, I was more convinced than ever that God will work everything out with the house and that I can trust Him for the election. I have a peace in my heart that I am doing the right thing by doing a write-in. I still believe either candidate is going to be bad for America and our freedoms and safety, but God brought us through 8 years of the worst president so far, He will bring us through either of these two horrible candidates also.

 One thing we all have been guilty of this election, is fear and not trusting God. Hillary has been made into such a monster, that some would sell their souls to stop her... or so it would seem. People supporting and voting for Trump are so scared they seem to have forgotten to trust God. And people like me are so scared of Hillary AND Trump, that we have also given into fear and forgotten to trust God. Fear is ruling conservatives and Christians in the Republican Party, and I am tired of it ruling me.

 Do I have concerns? Yes...no matter who wins....... but God will still be in control, and He will be with us no matter what happens. And for the record, the moment Trump won the nomination, I felt that sealed the presidency for Hillary and accepted that fact.

My current status

  For so many years, I was shallow, trying to serve God out of the fear of going to hell, and being ruled by fear of people finding out my secret I carried. My same-sex attractions controlled me, and it was a constant battle to stay on top. I didn't believe God loved me, and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out.

 That changed in December of 2013, as I finally came to the belief God loves me more than I could ever imagine, no matter what I do or don't do. That is a miracle I don't take lightly, and it has changed my relationship with God and my outlook on life. I still have a lot of growing to do, and many rough edges God needs to work on, but the difference in me may not be visible to others, but believe me......there is a miraculous difference.

 Then something else changed this year. I had slowly been hinting at my secret struggle in blog posts for a while, and a few times I was so obvious that it would take a very dull person to not figure out what I was talking about. And then one day I did it: I came right out on my blog - out of the closet, so to speak -  and admitted that I, Mark Buzard, am attracted to men, and not women. It was risky, I'll admit. I knew I could lose friends, that some would judge me, that others may fear me, that some may think all kinds of crazy things.......but I did it.

 And again, the change in me has been miraculous. The very thing that has had a hold on me for so many years has lost its grip on me. I may never be attracted to women, and that is OK. I am not sure I want to marry at this point anyway. I am still attracted to other males, but it is only guys I don't know well and/or feel intimidated by. The truth does indeed set you free. As I have come out of the shadows and admitted this long held secret, my relationship with God has deepened, my self confidence has grown, and my outlook on life has become much more positive.

 I may at some point blog about what it is like to deal with this issue, especially as a guy growing up in a very conservative church. I have drafted a couple of posts about it, but haven't finished them yet, or decided if I will post them.

The road ahead

    Eight years ago, I moved back to Ohio from Indiana and moved in with my parents, while putting most of my belongings into storage. It was supposed to be temporary, but thanks to severe depression, unemployment, part time jobs, and other things, here I am 8 years later still under their roof and under foot.

 I had almost given up on getting out on my own yet, one source of my depression...... but here I stand on the verge of moving into my own place and having a long time dream happen.....a room I can make a library.

 My depression is very minor, I have a job I like, I feel closer to God than I have ever felt in my life, I am at peace with this same-sex attraction and am freed from the hold it held on me. I am looking at a future as a single male, and one of what could be very many lonely moments, but I have God. I may have friends desert me for not supporting Trump, for having attractions to other guys, for not living up to their expectations....... but that is OK. I have friends who will love and support me no matter what, and a family that loves me and supports me through everything. Life is good, because God is.

P.S. If you have read this far, pray that everything will work out with this house I am buying.

Life is good

Verse 1
Sycamore seeds blowing in the breeze
Sap is rinsing in the branches in the trees
Birds are singing and life is good
Fire up the tiller and break those rows
A trip to the feed store everybody knows
Spring's around the corner, and life is good

Life is good cause God is
Life is good cause I'm His
Springing up new life growing in the sun 
Walking hand in hand and we're having some fun
Life is so, so good.

Verse 2
Breathing God's fresh air, clear blue sky
Dancing in the wind and a big fish fry
Jumping in the river and life is good
Sittin' in the green grass side by side
Counting my blessings with a tear in my eye
Church in the morning, and life is good

Life is good cause God is
Life is good cause I'm His
Springing up new life growing in the sun 
Walking hand in hand and we're having some fun
Life is so, so good.


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