Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I don't belong

Things are a bit topsy turvy in my life at the moment. I finally have a position at work I enjoy and am good at......at least I am told so..... and it looks like I am losing it. It doesn't do much good for a couple of people to do their job well when you are an outsourced employee, if others are not.

  And even with the holidays around the corner, my depression has been pretty bad. Part of that may be the fact that I am working Thanksgiving AND Christmas day. One of the hazards of working in a hospital. Someone always has to be there.

 I have really been feeling melancholy the last few days, and a bit introspective. I have been thinking about not belonging.

  Ever walk into a room or some setting and feel out of place? Try feeling that for most of your life.

I didn't belong with my male cousins. I was the youngest boy, still carrying around stuffed animals while they were showing interest in sports.

I didn't belong at school. All of the other boys loved and were good at sports. I hated them and stunk. They were tough and rough, and I was weak and the target of their bullying.

I didn't belong at Bible College. Everyone else knew what they were doing with their lives, and were all together spiritually. I had no clue what I was doing with my life.......still don't - and college was when I realized what I was struggling with and became a spiritual basket case.

I don't belong at church. Normal guys my age are married and have families. I'm the odd man out. A pew warmer who slips in and out of services and often wish I could stay home and worship God there. And all of those other people with no issues or problems.......

I even feel out of place in my family at times. My two sisters are married and have 3 kids each. Me? Single, no kids, and will never marry. I'm the odd man out. All couples, kids, and then there's me. The bachelor son, brother, and uncle.

I feel out of place at work. My coworkers drink, curse,  party, meet at the bar, discuss movies I'd never want to watch, and of course discuss sports. And then there's me. I spend my week-ends in church, shopping, and reading, and I never curse.

I don't belong with other men. I'd rather spend time in a bookstore than watch sports or sit out in the cold to shoot a deer.

I don't even belong with those who share the same desires as I do. I'm like them inside, but not outside, or politically....... and I know my Bible too well to believe that lie.

  Most days, I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round world. A single floundering in a pool of lovers. A paperback novel in a store of Kindles and Nooks. A freak among normal people.

  And I still don't know what I want to do with my life, just that it is more than I have done so far.

   This isn't the first time I have thought like this, nor will it be the last. But as I have been thinking my melancholy thoughts, my mind went in a different direction, which is the whole reason I wrote this blog post.

  A song came to my mind. It is the song that gave me the name for my first blog, the one that is now just for book reviews, but used to be where I blogged about everything: Thoughts of a Sojourner. The song I got the blog name from was originally titled "Sojourner's Song", but was later changed to "I Don't Belong." The song goes like this:

It’s not home where men sell their souls and the taste of power is sweet, 
Where wrong is right and neighbors fight while the hunger are dying in the street.
Where kids are abused and women are used; and the weak are crushed by the strong.
Nations gone mad, Jesus is sad and I don’t belong.

I don’t belong and I’m going someday, home to my own native land.
I don’t belong and it seems like I hear the sound of a welcome home band.
I don’t belong; I’m a foreigner here just singing a sojourner’s song.
I've always known this place ain’t home and I don’t belong

I don’t belong - But while I’m here I’ll be living like I’ve nothing to lose and while I breath I’ll just believe my Lord is going to see me through. 
I’ll not be deceived by earth’s make believe, I’ll close my ears to her siren song.
By praising His name – I’m not ashamed cause I don’t belong. 

I don’t belong and I’m going someday, home to my own native land.
I don’t belong and it seems like I hear the sound of a welcome home band.
I don’t belong; I’m a foreigner here just singing a sojourner’s song.
I've always known this place ain’t  home and I don’t belong

I belong to a kingdom of peace where only love is the law.
Where children lead and captives are freed and God becomes a baby on the straw
Where dead man live; and rich man give their kingdom to buy back a song.
Where sinners like me become royalty and we’ll all belong

Yes I belong - and I’m going someday, home to my own native land.
Where I belong and it seems like I hear the sound of a welcome home band.
Yes I belong; no foreigner there singing a sojourner’s song.
I've always known I’m going home where I belong

  It is true. This world isn't our home. It is nice to feel you belong somewhere, and everyone should feel that they belong somewhere, with someone, but we shouldn't get too comfortable here in this world. We shouldn't feel we belong here too much, for we belong to a Kingdom that is not of this earth. Maybe it isn't a bad thing to feel you don't belong....... and if you feel a strong sense of belonging to this earth and the world around you, maybe you're the one who should worry.

 And you know what? Someday, by God's grace, I am going to walk through the gates of Heaven, and I won't feel out of place. There is no marriage there, so everyone will be single. If sports exists in Heaven, and I am not sure it will, there will be thousands, maybe millions, who like me, will have no interest in it.

  I'll never walk into a crowd of people and feel out of place. I'll sit down and chat with Moses, Noah, Abraham.... and Jesus Himself....... and I'll belong. "Where sinners like me, become royalty......and we'll all belong."


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