Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Monday, January 2, 2017

A word for the year: Worship

  It has become a popular thing to pick a word for the year and focus on that word all year long. One of my favorite authors posted hers yesterday and asked what others were picking. I jokingly replied "chocolate", but have been thinking about this picking a word for the year ever since.....with a serious frame of mind.

 Maybe this is a woman thing...... I have only seen woman do it,  but I have never tried to be like other guys. And I did find this site by a guy talking about doing it, and the why of doing it - MyOneWord.com.

  Regardless if it is a woman thing or not, I have decided to try it. And the word that has been on my mind a lot lately, is worship..... so that shall be my word. I even have a devotional on a year of worship titled "The One Year Worship the King Devotional", which also helped me pick this word for the year.

  I have alluded to it before, but I find myself worshiping the best outside of the four walls of the church. I think there are a few reasons for that:

1) I don't like going to church all that well. Yeah, I sound like a heathen, but I assure you I am not.

2) I don't feel comfortable in corporate worship. When I am driving it isn't unusual for me to have my hand up as the words of a song minister to me - I keep one hand one the wheel - but I don't feel comfortable doing that in church. I cry, and express myself in other worshipful ways that I'd never do in church. I can be myself outside of the church.

3) Church seems so routine. I have no answers, but it is the same over and over: opening prayer, 2 songs, offering, another song, prayer, testimonies, sermon, benediction. I guess I don't feel I am there to worship, but just to sing and hear a sermon.

  And no, I am not advocating not going to church..... we need to be around other believers of similar faith and beliefs....... but what if that isn't enough? I get it that we aren't supposed to go to church with the attitude of what can we get out of the service. That isn't what I am getting at...... I am just saying the worship service for me just doesn't seem like a worship service.

 So I will continue to fill my pew at church, but I am going to focus more on private and personal worship. That is what gets me through.

 In the last several years, I have gotten my most spiritual growth and help at home. No, I am not saying sermons don't help and encourage, for they do. It is just I got to the place long ago that I felt I couldn't be myself in church. Well meaning evangelists said things that made me walk away from the idea of going to the altar for help, and instead doing it at home. I never felt I could ask for prayer when I needed it for my very tough and personal struggle.

 It hasn't helped that I have felt like an outsider at my church for a long time.

 So I started doing more at home. If I needed prayer, I'd stand through the altar call and pray at home. If I needed someone to pray for me, I'd ask people who have been where I am and who don't give off the idea that they have never struggled with anything.

 True worship involves complete honesty, authenticity, and openness...... and I feel I can't have that at church.

 So my goal this year is not to skip out on church, but to focus more on worship in my personal life, and even if I don't feel like I am doing it at church, to do more of it at home in my personal devotions, Bible studies, while I am driving my car and listening to Christian music.

 We were made to worship, and in this year of 2017, I want to focus more on that, and to do it in the right way.

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