Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

No, I'm not bitter about marriage

   As far back as my early teens, and possibly even before that, I began saying I'd never get married. I'm not sure why. That is too long ago to remember what my thinking process was......if I even had a thinking process.  I remember seeing some girls I thought were cute, but even at that age I wasn't truly attracted to the female sex as boys that age usually are.

  Then Bible college came, and I dated pretty much because it was the thing to do..... and those dating relationships never went anywhere. It didn't take long for me to feel trapped. I wanted to be alone, but had to go on a date, whether it be an actual off campus date or just a meal in the cafeteria. And then came the full realization and admitting to myself that I wasn't attracted to females, but to males. That was a rough time in my life, and I broke off all dating and haven't done so for 25 years. At some point, I realized I did want to marry, but eventually admitted that was never going to happen. I got rid of all of the Christian dating books I had bought in hope that I might need them some day, cried as I sat on the floor and boxed them up to send to the eBay auction winner, and did exactly as the title of the one book suggested - I Kissed Dating Good-bye.

    That was several years ago, and I have come a long way with my views and desires of marriage. There have been many nights I cried myself to sleep, wanting what any "normal" guy has - love and marriage. I wearied of the comments and questions I got about dating and marriage, and longed to just shout to the world "I can't marry - I don't like women!" - but I worried too much about how people would react. (I do like women, just not THAT way).

  Being a single male of marriagable age can be rough. Not only do you get the questions and pressure to date/marry. but you have to deal with being one in a world made for two.... even in the church.

 All these years later, I have come full circle. I'm not the same teenager not wanting to marry that I was, but I have come to accept the fact that marriage isn't for me, and it really isn't something I want anymore. I have gotten used to being just me, and comfortable with the idea of never marrying, Sure, having someone special would be nice for a variety of reasons, but that isn't everything. To be honest, I feel more loss at not being able to experience fatherhood than I do at not marrying,,,,,, and with kids you can drop them off at a babysitter's to get some peace and quiet..... they don't have babysitting services for wives. :)

    I was recently accused of being bitter about marriage..... but I honestly am not. I still joke a lot about marriage - a carry over from the days I did so to cover up the fact that I couldn't date/marry - and yes, I get frustrated about this often hyper-focus on getting married and focusing so much on it and married people....... but bitter? Nope. I have actually become thankful I have never married as I watch couple after couple divorce and break up their marriages and homes. It used to be I didn't know many divorced people, but now I know of many.... too many.....and I'd rather be single than go through that.

 I have always been a loner. I never had friends in school, and I read a lot and did things on my own. Even as an adult, there hasn't been a lot of opportunities for me to just "hang out" with friends, so I am not sure I could even do  the marriage thing if I was suddenly attracted to women. I like solitude too much. Sure, I wish I didn't have to eat out and shop alone so often, but I enjoy it most of the time by myself. I like sleeping in a bed by myself, making my own decisions with no spouse to disagree or try to change me or my mind.

  One of the many problems with gay people is the idolization involved in more than one way, yet even many Christians have idolized their dating and marriage relationships. I know, I am a bachelor and don't know anything..... but I have to wonder if people didn't marry so soon, if they explored life as a single adult and focused more on a relationship with God instead of plunging into dating and marriage....is it possible that they might be more ready for marriage and more apt to have a marriage that would last?

 Sex, relationships, and people are not the answer to what we are looking for in life. They are not, and never will be, the cure for loneliness and the longings of our heart. Even married and dating people are lonely at times, single people don't have a corner market on that.

 And married people need to do the same thing as we singles: make your relationship with God the top priority and the place to find your fulfillment, not in a person or relationship.

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