Thoughts of a messed up Christian saved by God's grace

Monday, April 28, 2014

Secondary Virginity

I'm not that old. I'll turn 45 in May, but even when I was a kid, sex didn't seem as prevalent on TV and among teens and unmarried people as it is now. If you wait til marriage, you're mocked, and it is sad that even in the church, the number of people waiting til marriage for sex is dwindling.

   I was reading a book recently by a pastor, and he related the story of a young teenaged girl coming to him upset because her parents wanted to put her on the pill. She told them she wasn't going to be having sex until marriage, and they still were trying to put her on it, saying of course she'd be having sex as a teen. She was a Christian, and so were her parents. Sounds shocking, but I doubt they are the only "Christian" parents with that attitude. And I put that in quotes, because if you're practically encouraging your kids to have sex, and have the attitude that they are just going to do it..... then your Christianity needs to be in quotes.

  I have no kids, but I still have ideas of why even kids in the church are having premarital sex. Here's some reasons I think of when I think about this:

1) Their parents don't talk to them enough about it, or at all. If you want your kids to remain pure, the solution is not to ignore the subject with them, but to talk about it, and why they should wait til marriage.

2) Friends. I seriously think parents need to be more careful who they let their kids hang around with. Just because a kid is from your church, or even the pastor's kid, doesn't mean they will be a good influence on them in anything, even sexual things.

3) TV. I spent most of my growing up years without a TV and movies. From age 11 1/2 on, none. And I think we would all be better off without TV and being careful what movies we watch. I still remember one of the first movies I watched as an adult, You've Got Mail. Cute movie, but I still remember being bothered by the fact that the young woman in the movie was living with her boyfriend. Why was I bothered? Because I hadn't been exposed to that on a constant basis growing up.

There are tons of TV shows geared for teens that show teens partying, doing drugs, drinking, and sex..... you can't expect your kids to watch that kind of stuff and not be affected.

4) School. Christian schools aren't perfect, and there are bad kids there too, but I still believe kids are better off there than in a public school where sex and talk about sex and sexual conquests run rampant.

5) Boyfriends and girlfriends. If a kid is in their teens and not an adult, parents have a say over who they do and do not date, or even IF they date.

I know, I don't have kids, but I don't think anyone younger than 16 has any business dating, and not sure 16 is ideal either. Guys are more sexual than girls - usually - and adolescence is rough anyway, and to put a boy whose all hormonal and thinking about sex, with a girl...... well, no wonder sex happens.

If teenagers are going to date, there needs to be strict guidelines. No "parking", no being alone in a room, especially bedrooms. You can't have teenagers being alone, then be surprised when they have sex.

6) Dress. I am a firm believer in modesty, and that we should be careful for many reasons how much skin we show, how tight our clothes are, etc. Again... you can't throw scantily clad teens together and expect that to help them remain pure. It will make temptations harder.

There is a lot of argument about modesty, and some people will claim they have the right to show as much skin as they want as a Christian, and if it causes a brother or sister to lust, so what - its all on the person lusting.... that is a pathetic attitude to have.

I found it interesting when I was living in Indiana, the pastor read the dress code requirement for visitors to some prison.... and it was strict. I remember thinking "if a prison can see that certain kinds of dress would cause problems, then why can't Christians?!" I wish I had that list, but I have one that will still give the idea. This is from the Hope For Wholeness website, a site for people struggling with same-sex attractions. These dress requirements are for anyone attending the meetings they have at some locations, kind of a AA type thing for lack of a better explanation:

Dress Code for Men & Women This policy applies to all seasons and temperatures of the year and all meetings, to include the following: one on one appointments with Support Group Leader, meetings between group members (within given guidelines), support group meetings, conferences, outings, etc. Shirts: No tight fitting shirts, tank tops, sleeveless shirts, halter tops, or showing any chest/cleavage. No shorts, regardless of length. See through: no clothing that is too thin, causing a transparent affect. For ladies: If you choose to wear a skirt, length is to be no shorter than knee length. Tears or holes: We ask that clothing not have large tears or holes in it. Tight fitting/ loose: Clothing should not be tight or too loose (as to fall down below waist)

Again... they obviously can see certain kinds of dress could cause problems for the people who are there to get help.... so why can't all Christians see that? And for the record, I don't believe everything listed above is necessarily wrong, but what would it hurt us to dress that way.... especially kids on a date?

If a teenaged boy is on a date with a girl in a mini skirt and hater top, doesn't it make sense that he'd be more tempted than if she were dressed modestly?

But back to my original subject..... secondary virginity. I have seen this discussed a lot. The idea is, if you have messed up and had sex, God will forgive you, restore you, and you aren't "damaged goods." i agree with that, but I am afraid it is getting pushed so much that it is giving the wrong idea. "Go ahead and do it. You can ask forgiveness and be as good as new".

There's a young man I follow on Facebook who has a lot of good to say. He is very young, college age, but has a lot of wisdom. I was a bit bothered by his take on this subject "Having sex before marriage doesn't ruin you." Again, great sentiment, and true, but his blog post was one I feared would give kids the wrong idea, and I commented saying so on Facebook.

Such as this part:
It’s been said, “True love waits”. This is a beautiful message. This gives hope to people like myself, who are trying to abstain from sex till their wedding night. However, there is more about true love that must be said. It’s important to remember that true love waits, but it’s also important to remember that true love also forgives. Your future spouse won’t hold your sexual sins against you. They won’t fall out of love with you when you tell them that you’ve had premarital sex. True love forgives."

   I seriously don't think there is anything wrong with a Christian who remains pure, to want a spouse who has remained pure also. If one has had sex, I don't think it should be disclosed the week of the wedding, but long before. Is it wrong to break up with someone over that? I am not sure. Marriage is out of the question for me for more than one reason, but I used to wonder about this issue myself. I wish I could say to the woman I was interested in that I had waited, but I wouldn't be able to. Would I blame a woman for not wanting to marry me under those circumstances? I don't think I could blame her.

  It isn't an easy thing, I know that. There are many who have lived careless lives sexually, then came to Christ and became a new creation. Should they be viewed as damaged goods, unworthy of marrying someone who has kept himself or herself pure? No, absolutely not. In my very limited knowledge and wisdom, I would say that would be between the couple and God. I could understand a young man or woman who has abstained from sex til their wedding, being disappointed that the person they want to marry has not. It would not be an easy position to be in. Yes, God forgives and wipes the slate clean, but that doesn't take away the fact that they did it.

  Back to Jordan's blog post, and anyone else who has talked about this issue of secondary virginity. If they are going to discuss it, I feel they need to remind their audience that yes, God will forgive and wipe the slate clean, but that doesn't take away the consequences.

There is still risk of pregnancy

There is still risk of STDs

There is the probability of remembering former sexual encounters while doing it with the one you marry

There is the possibility of falling in love with someone who did wait, and having to confess that you didn't

There will be regrets. I doubt many people regret waiting til their wedding night, but the number who regret not waiting....... I am sure it is far bigger than anyone would know.

   God does forgive and wipe the slate clean, and one should not view himself or herself as damaged goods, but how much better to wait, and be able to tell the one you love that you waited. Knowing God will forgive does not mean we should just go out and do it. You can never get that back.

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