The reality is, not everyone sees failure when they look at me, and hopefully few people do. That was just part of the very messed up me who I have been for far too long.
And it has ruled my life. Not just failure, but fear of failure. It has influenced the kind of jobs I have worked, the kind of jobs I applied for or didn't apply for, the people I felt comfortable around, and the many more people I haven't felt comfortable around.
My failures surround me and have just been more links in a chain that has held me back from being what I should be, from being what God intended me to be.
God has been helping me a lot in these last few months. I've stumbled, had doubts, and have been letting my fears take up too much space in my head. Just last week, I was hit with a cloud of depression and discouragement like I haven't had in months, and other than fears and worries about the future, I can't come up with anything that could have brought that on.
The honest truth is, I am worried about the future...... my future. For different reasons, and about different things in my future. And one of the big worries about my future, is my failures. I am afraid when I get my own place again, I'll fail, and won't be able to support myself. I'm afraid I'll have to change jobs - it is outsourced and could change - and will fail at finding another job. I am afraid I'll fail at this, that, and a multitude of other things.
I have been praying about it, and was praying earlier this evening. I was telling God how much of a failure I still feel, and how worried I am about the future. I told Him I know He has changed me so much, helped me so much, and answered prayers....... and that I should have more faith that He can change my failure, but I am so afraid I will fail, that I can't have faith that He can help me not to fail.
And then it hit me like a sledgehammer, though it didn't hurt physically. I don't know if I was God speaking, or if I just had a moment of insight, but it felt like God. The thought hit me "I have more faith in my failures and tendency to fail, then I have in God." I literally started crying. It might sound like a weird way to put it, but it is true. I have a lot of faith in my failures and tendency to fail. It comes easy, and I have strengthened that faith over my teen and adult years.
Why is it so easy to believe in my tendency to fail, yet difficult to believe that God can change even THAT area of my life? Why can I believe Him for some things, but not that? Is God not bigger than my failures? More powerful than my failures or fears?
One solution is to pray for God to help me get past this sense of failure. I was scared to pray before that I'd see myself as He sees me, as I was convinced He didn't like me and I wouldn't like how He saw me any more than I like how I see me....... but hopefully I am past that now that I have come to believe He loves me, so maybe I should pray that.
Habits are hard to break. Chains are hard to break, and some of these things have just always been a part of my life. Self hatred, poor self esteem, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, failure, fear...... its it any wonder my relationship with God has never gotten off the ground? Is it any wonder I feel like I have wasted my life and accomplished nothing? Fear has bound me, failure and fear of failing has held me captive in chains that have seemed unbreakable. Until now.
Much is said in sermons and books about sin. About not doing it, about being bound by it....... and that is all good, and sin has wound its chains around me also, but maybe more needs to be said about fear, worry, about being held captive by those... for those chains can bind as tight and hold us back from what God wants for us, just as much or more as sin.
Satan doesn't care how he gets us, as long as he does. He doesn't care what holds us back from fully trusting and serving God. If it is outright sin, and "bad" sins, all the better, but if it is fear and worry...... so what. He has still succeeded.
I look at where I have come with the issue of believing God's love, and feel hope. I seriously didn't believe He loved me, and not just didn't love me, but disliked me completely. I felt I had to beg and convince Him to forgive me, and even then, that I had to do something more to be completely forgiven. What that was, I never knew.
But now, I believe He loves me. I have had to work at it, and He met me more than halfway once I started working on it. I don't believe I have to beg His forgiveness, but that His mercy and patience are far more wide and deep than I could ever comprehend.
If He can help me in those areas, than He can help me in these areas of trusting Him, of having faith in Him instead of in my failures. Anything is possible with Him.
As a song says on a new CD I got last week, I know the God of possibilities........so even this is possible with Him.
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