Now that I got my "12 pains of Christmas" out of the way, on to better things. I've been pretty depressed lately, I admit it. Back in August, I finally had enough one day at work and quit. Dumb? Maybe, but I needed out of there. Among other things, the job was eroding my already poor self esteem.
Thankfully, I had enough money saved up to cover my bills for a while..... but I hadn't planned on going this long without a job. I've applied several places, and even had a couple of interviews, but nothing yet. I am starting to worry. And get more depressed. Truthfully, I am wondering if I will ever get a decent enough job that I can get out on my own again. I feel incredibly stupid and to be honest - like I have failed. Fear and poor self esteem has always held me back from getting good jobs. I have few skills, and sometimes feel all I am good at is being a speed bump.
Things have been getting to me badly lately. Ever feel like the world was against you and no matter how hard you tried, it seemed you were destined to fail? Yeah, that has been me lately. I didn't figure I could even do one thing I love - buy gifts for my family. My funds will cover another couple of months of bills, but Christmas? No.
Thanks to some great friends, the gifts will not be a worry now, but my future still seems so bleak. The job situation especially. I know from a friend who is a former co-worker and interviewed me once for a job, that I don't "sell myself well." How does one do that if you have no self-confidence?
I did my "12 pains of Christmas" for fun, but decided I needed to get serious about this depressing thoughts issue, and not have my Christmas ruined by fear and worry, so here it is - what I am thankful for and about Christmas, and what I like about Christmas.
1) I am thankful that I know what the reason for the season is all about. I haven't always known God as I should at Christmas, but I know what its all about and every year experience that sense of awe that God became a baby, that He was born to die for the sins of the world.
2) I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat
3) I am thankful that I have a car that runs. It isn't new, it isn't in top condition, but it runs and its paid for.
4) I am thankful that I have family to buy gifts for and to spend Christmas with (and to get gifts from!)
5) I am thankful for the nativity scene. I believe every Christian should have one. Since I am living with my parents til I get a good job and can afford my own place, I hadn't been using mine, as they have one...... but I decided to dig mine out of storage and set it up in the basement, and I am glad I did. I see it more often down here, and it does help remind me of what its all about.
6) Christmas music. I love Christmas music, and have at least 120 Christmas CDs. I used to start listening earlier than I did this year, but I still started early for some people - October. They all aren't religious, but a lot of them are, and I am thankful for them. Some of the prettiest songs are Christmas. And we only listen to them a couple months of the year.
7) I am thankful for friends. I have some close by that I see often, and I have some far away (like my Indiana friends) that I see only once a year or less. I have friends who have religious beliefs similar to mine, friends who do not, and some who have none. I have friends who know the very worst about me, and still call me friend. I am thankful for them all.
8) Christmas events. I'm not big on cantatas and kids programs, but there are events this time of year I love. The Walk With Jesus a nearby church puts on, our church's candlelight service, The Christmas Carol play I try to take in every year or so (no luck this year).
9) I am thankful for my church. I don't agree with everything my church teaches and believes, yet its a good church. It isn't perfect (hey, I go there, how could it be?!) but there are a lot of great people there, and I have the best pastor.
10) Gifts. Hey, I'm a kid at heart. I still love to receive gifts, but I also love to give. I am thankful that I can give gifts to those I love at this time of year.
11) My nieces and nephews. Yeah, I covered family already, but the kids are special. No one has any idea how badly I wanted kids of my own. I'm serious...... I have cried before about it. I am thankful I have 3 great nieces and 3 great nephews in my life that are a big part of my life. I don't get to see the boys as often as I wish, as they are a few hours away, but I do get to see my nieces often. I took them to the Walk With Jesus this past Friday evening, then to McDonald's for ice cream. They loved it and have thanked me several times, and I loved it. Its the next best thing to having my own.
12) Christmas cards. I like getting them, especially the ones where someone takes time to write a personal message, like one I got today that said I was a special guy (maybe that was meant for someone else), and another card that said they hoped I got the job I was just interviewed for.
13) At this time of year, people seem to care more, be more friendly, do more for others....wish it was that way all year long, but its great we have it at this time of year.
14) I am thankful we are nearing the beginning of a new year, a year that I have the possibility of not failing at everything, but maybe succeeding, getting the right job, getting my own place, making new friends, becoming stronger, losing more weight, being a better person.... 365 days that are so far a blank canvas.
15) Colored lights. Colored everything. How boring everything would be if it were one color... and how boring Christmas decorations would be with just white lights...... :-)
16) The Christmas tree. Yeah, I know. It would still be Christmas, and would still be Jesus' birth without it, but I love to sit and gaze on a lit tree (with colored lights, of course!) There is something so peaceful about sitting in an otherwise dark room with a lit Christmas tree.
17) I am thankful this year to be able to be part of my church's festivities. Even if I liked choirs, I can't sing a part, and there isn't normally anything for me to do to be part of the Christmas activities, but this year we are doing something new: a live Nativity, and I am a wise man. I'm more excited about it than a guy my age should be, but hey I never have claimed to be mature. Seriously, it does feel good to be part of it, and I am looking forward to it, and am glad I signed up.
18) The Christmas story. I'm thankful we have a record of Jesus' birth in the Bible to read at this time of the year, and other times of the year. I like to read it in different versions. Not that it can get old, but it can help make it newer and fresher to read a different translation once in a while.
19) I'm thankful for Christmas cookies and fudge. For some weird reason, my parents only make fudge at Christmas. I could eat fudge 365 days of the year, but this family only makes it at this time of year. I love it, and the cookies that we only have this time of the year. The extra pounds are worth it.
20) I mentioned family, but I love that feeling when both of my sisters have arrived with their families. Getting hugs from the kids and watching the nieces interact with the nephews. They get along great...... my whole family does. We aren't perfect. We were until those two guys married into our family... just kidding. We get along. There is no fighting and hateful words, and I am thankful for that.
21) Calvary. You can't have one without the other. If we didn't have the birth of a Savior, we would never have had Calvary. If there had been no Calvary, His birth, this time we celebrate, would be useless and empty. We celebrate His birth because of why He came.
22) Christmas sermons. I really do have the best pastor, and get this: he preaches short messages. It is rare he goes more than 30 minutes, and its usually 25-30 minutes. He is a great preacher all through the year, but I truly enjoy and appreciate his Christmas sermons,
23) Christmas memories. My parents always made Christmas special. I have a lot of great memories associated with Christmas. I still smile when I remember how every Christmas eve we would drive around and look at decorations. It never failed when we got to the car, one of my parents would have to run back inside for something, and when we got home, there were our stockings hanging, full. My parents would feign surprise. Like we were fooled....... but it makes for good memories.
Now we make new ones. Kids make Christmas more fun, and so do gag gifts. There are usually one or two each year. We have a large stuffed hippo that gets re gifted each year. The first year I had bought it, we gave it to my dad, and just as he unwrapped it, I started playing "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas." Great memory,
24) I really don't enjoy wrapping presents, but I enjoy that feeling of filling out the "to" and "from" and setting the finished product under the tree. And I'm better at wrapping than I used to be. I used to be so bad, everyone could tell who the gift was from by the wrapping job.
25) Snow. Yep. But only at Christmas. I really don't like winter or snow, but at Christmas it makes it seem more magical, more beautiful. But only at Christmas.
26) Christmas stories. I have so many I can't read them all every year, but its a special part of my Christmas to read new and old Christmas stories.
27) The magic of the season. That covers a lot, but there is a lot. Just think..... the God of the universe came to earth as the most helpless of all of us, a baby. His birth was first announced to the most lowly of people, shepherds. Instead of being born where kings are typically born - a castle, He was born in a stable and had a manger for His bed. It still is the greatest story ever told.
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