Excited to forgive us

I don’t believe He’s sitting up in Heaven
Evaluating sinners by their scars
But I see Him excited to forgive us
And it’s not at all in spite of who we are

Excited to forgive us? That seems like such a foreign idea to me. I was raised in a very conservative and strict church. I am not saying that anyone came out and said this to me, but years of church services, revival meetings, and camp meetings gave me these impressions:

You have to beg God for forgiveness and talk Him into taking you on, or taking you back

It takes a long time to pray for forgiveness, and you have to name out every sin out loud. Where anyone around at the altar can hear you. Including the church gossips.

God is just waiting for you to mess up so He can take His white out and cross your name out of the Book of Life.

I often find myself wishing that I could sit down with a physical Jesus and ask the questions I wonder about. I wish I knew who was right.

I don't believe a Christian sins every day in word thought and deed. I believe a Christian can sin, but needs to repent. We expect the murderer to quit his sin, the thief to quit his, the adulterer to quit his sin....... show me where the "nice" sins are ok to keep doing.

I've worked with people and been around those who believe "once saved, always saved", and wasn't impressed with what I saw. They lived no different from those who profess no Christianity at all. I've talked to others who seem sincere........ maybe it comes down to a difference in terminology and definition of sin. I believe sin is a wilful transgression of a known law of God. That when you sin, it is a willful thing, not something you do by accident or not knowing, whereas some believe any mistake is a sin...... I don't know. I feel like I need something in between the eternal security/Calvinism doctrine, and the belief that no matter how hard I try to do right and serve God, I am still going to miss Heaven in the end.

I was - and still am in many ways - a very impressionable guy. It seems like the bar has been set so high in the churches I've attended, the sermons that I have heard, that I could never make it to Heaven. Oh, I know the blood of Jesus covers sin - past. I can't believe it covers future sins - but what about those who struggle with a besetting sin - an addiction that is a sin.

I'm tired of the rules. Is my church legalistic? Sometimes I think we are. There are so many rules, and some of them I can see the need for, yet can you legislate morality? If people truly love God, will they try to get by wearing as little as they can, or will they cover up a bit more than the world does? Will they avoid questionable activities, music, TV shows, and places they go, or will they figure anything is permissible now that we are under grace?

I know of people who claim to be Christians that lie, curse, do dishonest and unethical things, watch questionable TV shows and movies, and listen to the worst kinds of music........ maybe we shouldn't have rules, but shouldn't true Christians avoid doing some of this stuff out of love for God and the desire to be in, not of the world?

Loving God, loving each other,
Making music with my friends;
Loving God, loving each other,
And the music never ends.

They pushed back from the table
To listen to His words,
His secret plan before He had to go.
It's not complicated;
Don't need a lot of rules,
This is all you'll need to know.

Loving God, loving each other,
Making music with my friends;
Loving God, loving each other,
And the music never ends.

We tend to make it harder,
Build steeples out of stone,
Fill with explanations of The Way,
But if we'd stop and listen
And break a little bread,
We would hear the Master say

Loving God, loving each other,
Making music with my friends;
Loving God, loving each other,
And the music never ends.
(William J and Gloria Gaither)

Do we tend to make it harder? It seems like that is what I have grown up with. Too many hell, fire, and brimstone messages. Too many horror stories to scare people into going to the altar. Too many bullies in the pulpit that seemed more concerned with getting a lot of people to the altar by scaring them there, then by talking about a God of love and about a relationship with him.



And you know what? Those times I was scared into going to the altar, or the preacher held the altar call out so long that I eventually went...... it didn't last.

Some would disagree with me on this, and that is ok, but I stopped going to the altar. I don't know how long ago, but it has been several years. If God is truly speaking to me and I need to pray, I do it at home. For more than one reason:

1) I don't appreciate being scared or badgered into going to the altar.

2) Most of the times I went to the altar, the preacher held the altar call out so long, that I was done praying by the time he called people up to pray. Dilemma: go back to my seat, or kneel there as people pray and I count the minutes til I can go back to my seat?

3) I've heard more than one preacher say you shouldn't hang over the altar, mumbling into your arm, but you should pray aloud, confessing your sins. Really?! Some sins don't need to be told to the church, and shouldn't be, so I will pray at home, in private.

I guess it makes sense that combined with some other issues in life, that I would grow up doubting God's love. Really, seriously doubting. Believing that He didn't like me, and didn't want to forgive me, but if I prayed long enough, begged enough, worked up some tears..... then He would grudgingly decide to forgive me...... but He would be just waiting for a chance to kick me out the first time I messed up.

So yeah, the idea of His being excited to forgive me? Wow. That is heavy.

I've just come out of a very dark period that lasted for over two years. And I mean dark. If those around me could have read my thoughts during that time, I'd have probably been in a straight jacket in a padded room. For real.

I slowly started making some changes - I talked about that in my "beating depression post" recently. One change I made, I decided to work on believing God loves me. There were a couple of weeks that I read John 3:16 every other night, and read other verses about God's love on the other nights. I started thanking Him for loving me, listening to songs that talked about God's love. Such as this one I have found myself listening to over and over:

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

• Refrain:
  Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
  How measureless and strong!
  It shall forevermore endure—
  The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place, and I am not entirely there - to believe that God DOES love me, and not any less nor any more than anyone else. That when Jesus died on the cross, He did it for me, just as much as anyone who ever lived. And that He wants a relationship with me. He wants to hear from me, delights in me, and yes..... is excited to forgive me. For a guy with the thinking I have had, I still can't completely get my head around that. Its one thing to believe God loves me, but that He delights in me, is excited about anything to do with me? Wow.

You know, the devil is such a great liar. He really is. He has it down to an art. He had me convinced for years that God didn't love me, and only forgave me because He promised He would....... yet, the same Bible that said He'd forgive, also said He'd love me. Doesn't make sense when you think about it. But we don't always think it out. Maybe the devil is good at stopping that from happening.

As odd as it may sound, quitting my job Friday before last seemed to take the last obstacle away from my getting to where I needed to be. There was a lot of negativity in my life I was trying to rid myself of, and a lot of it revolved around work. Add to it the Sunday work issue - I don't know for sure, but after I quit my job, it seemed so much easier to work on the spiritual, and everything seems so much clearer now in ways I can't really explain in words.

I've come to the place that I realize that it is God I need and want to please. Not the church, my friends, or even my family. I need to do and believe what He wants, not what any earthly person or organization tells me. Does that mean I am going to run out and get a bunch of tattoos and piercings tomorrow? A resounding no! But it does mean God and His Word is going to be what I live by. If it matches what my church and others teach and say, then fine. If not...... God is my judge, and the one who I serve and desire to please, not church and people.

Brave words? Oh yeah. Easier said than done, I am sure, but I am tired of playing Christian, of being shallow, of keeping all of the rules, yet never having the relationship with God that I need and long for.

Its funny how life is. I have some great people in my life who have been there for a while: my Sunday School teacher, my pastor, my best friend, and some other great friends, but God has brought a couple of college pals back into my life who have also been very helpful. (J&R, you know who I am talking about). These two ladies, and some others in my life, know the worst about me, yet don't run screaming in revulsion, but have modeled God's love to me, and have brought me to the place I am at in this journey of life and grace. They have helped give me hope and encouraged me in a multitude of ways.

I've never liked change, nor the unknown. It felt great to quit my job, and I truly feel God was urging me to get out of there, but its also a bit scary not to have a job or any prospects, but I'm single, and not bound by family or anything else, just ready for whatever God has in store for my life. That doesn't mean He will drop a job in my life - though that would be awesome - but I am praying and trusting that He would help me find the right job for me.

This blog post turned out to be much longer and much more than I had intended, and probably more scattered and topic-jumping than I'd intended, but I am excited about what God is doing in my life, and am looking forward to whatever He has in store.

When He Saved Me
by Jim Brady and Phil Cross

I don’t believe He’s sitting up in Heaven
Evaluating sinners by their scars
But I see Him excited to forgive us
And it’s not at all in spite of who we are

Chorus:
When He saved me He knew
What I had done, what I would do
He looked beyond the worst in me
And saw not what I was, He saw what I could be

He looked at all the broken scattered pieces
And made a brand new vessel of my life
Every day possibility increases
‘Cause he placed me in a dream that never dies

Bridge:
And though I was a sinner, the Savior heard my cry
His mercy came and rescued me, He did not pass me by