The more I work to change my thinking, the more and more lies I realize I have believed over the years. Its hard to change what you've believed all your life, but I'm working on it.
1) I am worthless
2) No one really likes me. The ones who seem to are just acting or being nice
3) I am stupid and not good at anything
4) God doesn't love me. He forgives me only because He said He would
5) When I mess up, or walk away, I have to beg God to forgive me, He needs convinced to take me back
6) No matter how hard I try, no matter how many rules I keep, prayers I pray, I will still miss Heaven, because I can never be good enough to make it
7) If I ever attain the level of being a Christian that I need to be, God will make me give up anything I enjoy
8) Pleasing people is more important than God
9) I can never get true victory over some issues in my life
10) I am a failure
11) Christianity is a bunch of rules, do's and don'ts
12) I have to do everything my church says to be a Christian
Those are the main ones, though there are others. It is true that the devil knows where we are weak and fights us in that area. He capitalizes on things and makes them bigger and blows them out of proportion.
When I really examine my beliefs, my thinking, it doesn't make sense. For instance, of all the people that live and have ever lived, I'm the only one God doesn't love? And how can I believe the judgment parts of the Bible so much, yet not the parts about God loving me?
One of my favorite songs by my favorite group, The Booth Brothers, is a song titled "When He Saved Me." There is a line that seemed a foreign concept to me for the longest time: "I see Him excited to forgive us." Excited? I always felt I had to beg Him to do it, and He did it grudgingly. As I stated in a previous blog post, there were multiple things that affected me, that set me up to believe these lies: poor self esteem, bullying by my peers, preachers, and possibly more things I am not aware of.
Its sad I have made it to my 40's without resolving these issues, that I have tried for so long to serve a God like I have tried to serve. I long to serve a God who loves me, who is "excited" to forgive, who runs to meet those who walk away from Him. I'm slowly getting there, but it is taking throwing out a lot of "stuff", of realizing I have had it so wrong for so long, and that it only matters what God thinks of me, not people.
God does love me. Maybe I need to hang that all over the place so I see it several times a day. He loves me far more than any human could ever get close to. And I am learning that He expects far less out of me than my church and fellow Christians expect.
I want to serve God because He loves me, and I love Him. Forget duty and expectations of other people. It is a relationship, not a "get out of hell free" card. But sadly, that is what it has been for most of my life. I want, and need it to be more. More than duty, more than rules and regulations, more than pleasing people, more than going through the motions.
Motions by Matthew West
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(Take me all the way)
Take me all the way
(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way
(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(Take me all the way)
Take me all the way
(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
Take me all the way
(Through the motions)
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
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